THE STAG NIGHT NIGHT OF TOMORROW
THE STAG NIGHT is as quintessentially British as St Paul’s Cathedral, the Changing of the Guard, and Brexit. It’s the jolly rite of passage that every young man must undergo as he prepares to leave behind his carefree, irresponsible bachelorhood and embark upon endless decades of marital bliss with the same, ageing woman.
Over the centuries, this institution has progressed from a simple night at the local inn with a few close pals to a complex ordeal involving a series of spiteful, booze-fuelled revelries that often ends with the groom-to-be chained naked to a park bench in Dundee or laid up with liver failure in a foreign hospital on the morning of his wedding. Today’s stag is unrecognisable from its humble antecedent, and there is no reason to expect that it will not continue to change, progress and evolve in the future. But what exactly will the Stag Night of the year 2020 look like? Join futurologists Martin Alookahead and Jeff Totwentytwenty as they take a peek into their crystal balls.
CLUB. In 2020, strip clubs have become a virtual reality experience, with visitors donning headsets in order to watch CGI exotic dancers bump and grind in super-high definition 3D. The experience has been designed to be as convincing as possible, with every single element of a traditional evening in a strip club recreated. The exotic and tantalising lap dance, the paying 50 times the going rate for a glass of coke and being kicked senseles by a couple of bouncers for touching one of the virtual girls are all brought vividly to life with immersive, 360 degree realism.
DIRTY PINT. In the dark ages of 2018, Stag Do parties traditionally concocted a ‘Dirty Pint’ for the stag to consume, a heady brew made from the dregs of various alcoholic drinks, as well as any additional condiments and/ or bodily fluids they felt inclined to include. In the futuristic world of 2020, however, all food and drink is in the form of a pill - so attendees can simply add a specially formulated ‘Dirty Pint Pill’ to a glass of water, and hey presto - an instant, utterly repulsive beverage that tastes of lager, gin, whisky, absinthe, mustard, ketchup, phlegm, vomit, Pot Noodle, curry powder, knobcheese and shower gel.
THE ENTERTAINMENT. In the as Quaser Laser, paintballing and karting. Here in 2020, future, it is still traditional for all those the groom-to-be and his coterie will spend the afternoon in the stag party to embark on some hover-kart racing in futuristic, driverless vehicles that use adventurous pursuit as an hors d’oeuvres state-of-the-art computer technology to ensure they to a night of heavy drinking. But gone are all travel at exactly the same speed and remain a safe today’s old-fashioned stag-do pursuits such distance from each other as they hurtle round the track.
As with Stag Do’s in 2018, the stag of the future must be dressed in a ludicrous outfit. However, in 2020, the development of futuristic metamorphic garment technology means that the groom-to-be can be dressed in a multi-purpose, shape-shifting InvisiPoncho, which is controlled by an “app” that metamorphs it into whichever embarrassing novelty outfit the party desire - be it a Borat-style ‘Mankini’, a Little Bo-Peep costume or a baby’s nappy, bonnet and dummy. It can also be transformed to resemble just a pair of underpants for the end of the night when the stag, by now suffering from acute alcohol poisoning, is tied to a laser lamp-post using futuristic electro-magnets. And whilst we all love wearing fake novelty breasts on a Stag Do, the women of tomorrow will all have three tits like in Bladerunner, so this must also now be taken into account.
THE BRIDE-TO-BE’S PAIN-IN-THE-ARSE BROTHER. One thing that remains unchanged from the Stag Nights we know here in 2018 is that, despite not knowing anyone else in the party, the bride-to-be’s pain-in-the-arse brother has to tag along... Whilst on the stag nights of today members of the bachelor party must grudgingly take it in turns to spend thirty minutes making idle small talk with him, in 2020, technology has allowed for special robots to be constructed and programmed to sit with the boring fucker while everyone else has fun. PRANKS. Whether they don balaclavas and bundle him into the boot of a car in a mock kidnapping, gaffer tape him to the underside of a bus shelter, or wait until he’s unconscious and shave his eyebrows off, today’s stag fully expects to be pranked by his fellow revellers. And the stag of 2020 will be subjected to similar ritual hilarity, being bundled into the boot of a driverless hover car, affixed to the ceiling of a holographic bus shelter with electrostatic graphene ribbons, and deeyebrowed with a disposible laser-razor.
MATCHING T-SHIRTS. As predicted in Back To The Future 2, all clothing in the future will be self-fitting, self-cleaning and self-drying - a bonus for the members of the stag party, as their T-shirts can be free from spilled lager, vomit or blood in a matter of seconds. They can also be electronically programmed to display amusing nicknames. The Best Man is therefore able to 3D-print these space-age garments at home, before instantaneously downloading a selection of hilarious monickers onto the back of each one from his mobile phone.