THE STAG NIGHT NIGHT OF TO­MOR­ROW

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THE STAG NIGHT is as quintessen­tially Bri­tish as St Paul’s Cathe­dral, the Chang­ing of the Guard, and Brexit. It’s the jolly rite of pas­sage that ev­ery young man must un­dergo as he pre­pares to leave be­hind his care­free, ir­re­spon­si­ble bach­e­lor­hood and em­bark upon end­less decades of mar­i­tal bliss with the same, age­ing woman.

Over the cen­turies, this in­sti­tu­tion has pro­gressed from a sim­ple night at the lo­cal inn with a few close pals to a com­plex ordeal in­volv­ing a se­ries of spite­ful, booze-fu­elled rev­el­ries that of­ten ends with the groom-to-be chained naked to a park bench in Dundee or laid up with liver fail­ure in a for­eign hospi­tal on the morn­ing of his wed­ding. To­day’s stag is un­recog­nis­able from its hum­ble an­tecedent, and there is no rea­son to ex­pect that it will not con­tinue to change, progress and evolve in the fu­ture. But what ex­actly will the Stag Night of the year 2020 look like? Join fu­tur­ol­o­gists Martin Alooka­head and Jeff Totwen­tytwenty as they take a peek into their crys­tal balls.

THE STRIP

CLUB. In 2020, strip clubs have be­come a vir­tual re­al­ity ex­pe­ri­ence, with vis­i­tors don­ning head­sets in or­der to watch CGI ex­otic dancers bump and grind in su­per-high def­i­ni­tion 3D. The ex­pe­ri­ence has been de­signed to be as con­vinc­ing as pos­si­ble, with ev­ery sin­gle el­e­ment of a tra­di­tional evening in a strip club recre­ated. The ex­otic and tan­ta­lis­ing lap dance, the pay­ing 50 times the go­ing rate for a glass of coke and be­ing kicked sense­les by a cou­ple of bounc­ers for touch­ing one of the vir­tual girls are all brought vividly to life with im­mer­sive, 360 de­gree re­al­ism.

THE

DIRTY PINT. In the dark ages of 2018, Stag Do par­ties tra­di­tion­ally con­cocted a ‘Dirty Pint’ for the stag to con­sume, a heady brew made from the dregs of var­i­ous al­co­holic drinks, as well as any ad­di­tional condi­ments and/ or bod­ily flu­ids they felt in­clined to in­clude. In the fu­tur­is­tic world of 2020, how­ever, all food and drink is in the form of a pill - so at­ten­dees can sim­ply add a spe­cially for­mu­lated ‘Dirty Pint Pill’ to a glass of wa­ter, and hey presto - an in­stant, ut­terly re­pul­sive bev­er­age that tastes of lager, gin, whisky, ab­sinthe, mus­tard, ketchup, phlegm, vomit, Pot Noo­dle, curry pow­der, knobcheese and shower gel.

THE EN­TER­TAIN­MENT. In the as Quaser Laser, paint­balling and kart­ing. Here in 2020, fu­ture, it is still tra­di­tional for all those the groom-to-be and his co­terie will spend the af­ter­noon in the stag party to em­bark on some hover-kart rac­ing in fu­tur­is­tic, driver­less ve­hi­cles that use ad­ven­tur­ous pur­suit as an hors d’oeu­vres state-of-the-art com­puter tech­nol­ogy to en­sure they to a night of heavy drink­ing. But gone are all travel at ex­actly the same speed and re­main a safe to­day’s old-fash­ioned stag-do pur­suits such dis­tance from each other as they hur­tle round the track.

AT­TIRE.

As with Stag Do’s in 2018, the stag of the fu­ture must be dressed in a lu­di­crous out­fit. How­ever, in 2020, the de­vel­op­ment of fu­tur­is­tic meta­mor­phic gar­ment tech­nol­ogy means that the groom-to-be can be dressed in a multi-pur­pose, shape-shift­ing In­visiPon­cho, which is con­trolled by an “app” that meta­morphs it into which­ever em­bar­rass­ing nov­elty out­fit the party de­sire - be it a Bo­rat-style ‘Mank­ini’, a Lit­tle Bo-Peep cos­tume or a baby’s nappy, bon­net and dummy. It can also be trans­formed to re­sem­ble just a pair of un­der­pants for the end of the night when the stag, by now suf­fer­ing from acute al­co­hol poi­son­ing, is tied to a laser lamp-post us­ing fu­tur­is­tic elec­tro-mag­nets. And whilst we all love wear­ing fake nov­elty breasts on a Stag Do, the women of to­mor­row will all have three tits like in Bladerun­ner, so this must also now be taken into ac­count.

THE BRIDE-TO-BE’S PAIN-IN-THE-ARSE BROTHER. One thing that re­mains un­changed from the Stag Nights we know here in 2018 is that, de­spite not know­ing any­one else in the party, the bride-to-be’s pain-in-the-arse brother has to tag along... Whilst on the stag nights of to­day mem­bers of the bach­e­lor party must grudg­ingly take it in turns to spend thirty min­utes mak­ing idle small talk with him, in 2020, tech­nol­ogy has al­lowed for spe­cial ro­bots to be con­structed and pro­grammed to sit with the bor­ing fucker while ev­ery­one else has fun. PRANKS. Whether they don bal­a­clavas and bun­dle him into the boot of a car in a mock kid­nap­ping, gaffer tape him to the un­der­side of a bus shel­ter, or wait un­til he’s un­con­scious and shave his eye­brows off, to­day’s stag fully ex­pects to be pranked by his fel­low rev­ellers. And the stag of 2020 will be sub­jected to sim­i­lar rit­ual hi­lar­ity, be­ing bun­dled into the boot of a driver­less hover car, af­fixed to the ceil­ing of a holo­graphic bus shel­ter with elec­tro­static graphene rib­bons, and deeye­browed with a dis­posi­ble laser-ra­zor.

HI­LAR­I­OUS

MATCH­ING T-SHIRTS. As pre­dicted in Back To The Fu­ture 2, all cloth­ing in the fu­ture will be self-fit­ting, self-clean­ing and self-dry­ing - a bonus for the mem­bers of the stag party, as their T-shirts can be free from spilled lager, vomit or blood in a mat­ter of sec­onds. They can also be elec­tron­i­cally pro­grammed to dis­play amus­ing nick­names. The Best Man is there­fore able to 3D-print these space-age gar­ments at home, be­fore in­stan­ta­neously down­load­ing a se­lec­tion of hi­lar­i­ous mon­ick­ers onto the back of each one from his mo­bile phone.

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