APRIL FOOLS’ DAYS
ALL love April Fools’ Day, and celebrities with the word ‘Day’ in their surname are no different. In fact, if anything, they probably love it more than the rest of us. That’s why we rounded up our four favourite A-List Days and asked them to tell us exactly how THEY spend the wackiest 24 hours of the year.
DARREN DAY, former serial love rat
BACK when I was a serial love rat, I never paid much attention to April Fools’ Day, because I was usually still knackered from Valentine’s. But now that I’ve changed my ways, I’d absolutely love to be on the receiving end of a light-hearted April prank. The problem is, since I appeared on I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! it’s very difficult for people to embarrass me, because I’ve already made such a twat of myself on national TV. So until someone comes up with something more humiliating than making me eat a kangaroo’s cock or swim about in ostrich shit, I’m afraid you’re better off contacting another A-List ‘Day’ for their April Fools’ memories. Not David Van Day, though, because he was also on I’m A Celeb, so he’ll be fuck all use, too.
DORIS DAY, big screen bombshell
I LOVE April Fools’ Day, me. I remember back in the fifties, I was working with Frank Sinatra on some movie or other, and come April 1st, I snuck into his bathroom when he was out and replaced his piles cream with chilli paste. Well, you should have heard the noise from the poor twat’s trailer. Ol’ Blue Eyes? Ol’ Red Arse was more like it! Everyone fell about laughing when I told them what I’d done - although we did have to delay filming for two months because Frank’s ruptured anus became severely infected by faecal bacteria. Still, though, it was an absolute hoot.
KEVIN DAY, sort of comedian
I EARN my crust as a sort of comedian, so as you can imagine, I detest April Fools’ day, because it’s one day that everyone else thinks they’re a sort of comedian, too. I usually spend the entire 24 hours holed up sulkily at home, ignoring the phone, not reading the papers or watching the telly, until the clock strikes midnight. Then I can return to sort of comedy safe in the knowledge that the amateurs have left it to the pros for another year.
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, famous actor
LAST April 1st, my brother-in-law stretched clingfilm over our toilet bowl, causing me to piss all up my trousers. He immediately ran into the bathroom, pleased as punch, and branded me an ‘April Fool’. Now, as a method actor, I take being cast in any role very seriously, so I spent the next six months immersing myself entirely in the part of the ‘fool’ - performing various degrading acts of buffoonery in a red jumpsuit with bells on, or sitting in a corner all boss-eyed in a Dunce’s hat. I’m planning to get my brother-in-law back this April by sticking his toothbrush up my arse when he’s not looking.