3. CROWD CON­TROL

VIZ - - Starry, Starry Heist! -

HRH PRINCE ONCE CHARLES in­side the bank, a heist team’s big­gest chal­lenge is deal­ing with the un­pre­dictabil­ity of the gen­eral pub­lic. In the heat of the mo­ment, an in­no­cent by­stander can of­ten see a rob­bery as their big chance to play the hero. For that rea­son, one mem­ber of the team must be as­signed to ‘Crowd Con­trol’ - keep­ing the ter­ri­fied cus­tomers calm and sub­dued while his team goes to work. And on Terry’s team, crowd con­trol would be the re­spon­si­bil­ity of HRH PRINCE CHARLES.

“The Prince of Wales has spent the best part of his adult life hu­mour­ing the great un­washed. So keep­ing a small crowd of plebs en­ter­tained for half an hour should be a piece of cake for him. The first task of the Crowd Con­trol man is to leap on a desk, blast three sawn-off shot­gun shells into the ceil­ing and shout: ‘Ev­ery­body down! This is a rob­bery!’ at the top of his voice. Many peo­ple get stage­fright and clam up when they are sud­denly called upon to ad­dress an au­di­ence, but for a sea­soned pub­lic speaker like Charles, this would be a ver­i­ta­ble walk in the park.

Once the ca­per is in progress, the Prince would keep the cow­er­ing cus- tomers oc­cu­pied by ask­ing them oneby-one where they come from and what they do for a liv­ing and how long they’ve been do­ing that, while push­ing the shot­gun bar­rel into their mouths and ex­pertly feign­ing in­ter­est in their re­sponses.

The only down­side to hav­ing the Prince on the team is that he is un­able to open doors for him­self, so he would have to bring a foot­man or but­ler with him to open the doors of the bank and the get­away car. This means an­other hand to take a share of the pro­ceeds, and po­ten­tially an­other grass to turn Queens and sing like a fuck­ing ca­nary.

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