The Lord of It’s the Swearings Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
a hot water bottle and a bottle of Bovril phr. onomat. The sound made by a substantial sub-aquatic bottom burp. Also known, variously, as a blooper, tottle, Edward Woodward, bottle of olives, or Bill Oddie. alehouse whisper n. An attmpted sotto voce utterance rendered molto fortissimo by booze. ‘Fuck me Dave, I’d love to shag big Eric’s missus.’ ‘Keep it down a bit, Paul. You’ve got a touch of the alehouse whisper there, and Eric’s coming over.’
amuse douche n. Fr. Wetting oneself with laughter. arse memories n. Turds. ‘Fucking Nora. I just trod in one of next door’s cat’s arse memories again, June.’
barmageddon n. The least genteel drinking establishment in a charmingly earthy estate or town; typically a flat-roofed pub. Ahostilery where one is likely to suffer serious injury for merely being there, eg. a certain pub in North Shields, which is affectionately known by its clientele as “The Flying Stool”.
bollocko adj. milit. Naked, in the nip; to quote Alan Partridge, completely Billy bollocks.
boneshaker 1. n. A primitive type of velocipede. 2. n. A lass whose sexual repertoire is limited to hand jobs. breast nest n. A brassiere. Also tit pants, kitten hammocks, rascal sacks, knocker hoppers. could someone shut the back door please? exclam. rhet. Phrase uttered when a noisome vapour from an unknown source is detected. See also who let the ducks in?
craft ale fan euph. An alcoholic. Someone who quaffs 8.5% lager at lunchtime because of the “hoppy” flavour or whatever.
crap apples n. Plastic bags filled with dog-toffee found hanging on tree branches and hedgerows.
crustard 1. n. A sweet mixture of cream and custard for use on desserts, it says here. 2. n. The slightly less palatable substance often found under a poorly maintained fiveskin. daily beast, the 1. n. An American news website. 2. n. A fellow’s morning glory or dawn horn. The motorcycle kickstand. debone 1. v. To lackadaisically prepare a piece of fish for consumption by an elderly and much-loved member of the roy- al family. 2. v. To break off relations with a girlfriend or wife. 3.
v. To pull out at the last minute, play Vatican roulette. devil’s doughnut n. Ahuge, perfectly circular Cumberland curl. dry dream n. An irksome reverie during which you are trying to have it off with your missus but she is having none of it. Elvis impersonator n. One who disappears into the lavatory for a worryingly long time. emergency entrance n. The back passage, utilised when the missus has got mice. Also known as The Flying Horse. forty stone alone euph. A forlorn and lonely pie enthusiast. freeview and fuck? exclam. interrog. A candid alternative to Netflix and chill? for the modern male on a budget. girocopter n. Favoured method of urban transport for the less athletically inclined sports clothing wearer. A council go-kart or mobility scooter. glutes, thumbs and tongue workout euph. The physical activity undertaken by the majority of folk in modern gyms, viz. Sitting on their arse, playing on their mobile phones and talking.
good night out in Belfast euph. Afight. Harry’s bar 1.
n. Sophisticated New York drinking establishment favoured by the Metropolitan elite for the consumption of fine wines and cocktails.
2. n. Outdoor area favoured by Har
old Ramp and friends for the al fresco downing of White Lightning. The tramp grill. hot tub 1. n. Ajacuzzi. 2. n. An alluringly filfy plumper. KGB n. Yet another amusing term for a lady’s perineum. So named because “one slip of the tongue could land you in the shit”. labiathan n. Astep up from a wizard’s sleeve. Big Daddy’s sleeping bag, a twat like a builder’s rubble tub. let the drain take the strain phr. Said of a sizeable Mister Magoo that may well overwhelm the house’s foulpipe.
lidl class adj. Aspirational but frankly a bit skint.
Mount Doom n. A curry restaurant where one goes to “burn one’s ring”. Mr Tumble’s spotty bag n. medic. Distressing affliction that may necessitate making an appointment at the local happyrash clinic. northerns n. medic. Haemorrhoids, bum grapes. From northern isles = St Mary ofArgyles. nosebag on a chicken, fits like a sim. Said of something that snugly attaches to you like those tight trousers they wear now. ‘Have you knobbed that new barmaid at the Bull yet, Walter?’ ‘Certainly have, Mrs Archer. Her fanny was that tight it fitted my cock like a nose bag on a chicken.’
Ordsall chord 1. n. Short rail link between the very posh and visible Manchester Piccadilly, and the less glamorous, not as accessible - and yet nevertheless curiosity-piquing - Manchester Victoria, and thus, as usual, 2. n. The taint, tinter,
Humber Bridge etc. 3. n. The banjo string or guyrope. out, Mrs Duck, and take your ducklings with you! exclam. To be said with considerable bravado after unleashing one particu-
larly loud bum-quack followed by a number of smaller quacks. penguin’s nut sack, tighter than a sim. Not overly munificent. Also tighter than a ~ shark’s arse, ~bullfighter’s pants, ~ teenage wanker’s curtains. pit of misery n. Any pub frequented by the sort of twats who shout “Dilly Dilly” as they neck their bottles of fizzy piss.
Queen’s fart n. The gentle sigh of an expertly opened Champagne bottle. raspberry lavlova n. In the works bogs, the stench of shite subtly masked by a fruity vape. rush hour n. The race, first thing in the morning, to secure the last clean office toilet cubicle before heavy use causes damage that will not be rectified until the cleaner starts their next shift. serve an ace v. To loose off a back pocket rocket. See also bang! and the dirt is gone!
shitcrumb n. Aworthless item. ‘So, let’s see what auctioneer Philip Serrell has to say about the shitcrumbs that the tasteless bellends on the red team have bought.’
sleep mode n. A married man’s semi-somnolent state, whereby he appears to be awake and listening to his wife, nodding and occasionally murmuring assent, while he is actually completely oblivious to every single word she has said for the last half hour. Just like the Amazon Echo, a man can be instantly awoken from sleep mode by the use of the phrase “What do you think?” Slim Pickens is waving his hat exclam. An expression of relief after the first bombs away moment following a spell of sluggish digestive transit, such as might be caused by a week on Cocodamol. From the famous last scene of the film Dr Strangelove. snake charmer’s basket n. A toilet with an extremely large, unflushable bowl constrictor curled round it, with its head poking menacingly up above the rim. sofa scramble n. The rush to find the remote control when the theme music for The One Show starts. softwear n. Any item of clothing that protects its owner in any way from the effects of the winter weather, worn when out on the town by a nesh weakling in the North East of England, eg. A coat, jumper, gloves, or - in Newcastle on a Friday evening - a shirt with long sleeves.
stinky sailboat n. When your dog drags its arse across the carpet. Also known as yachting. Stowford bottom 1. n. A village in Somerset. 2. n. What the Worzels get the morning after they’ve had a heavy night out imbibing cider.
tena city n. Retirement community or old people’s home.
throw a pot v. To drop a log that looks like something done against the clock on the Genera
tion Game by a flustered middleaged woman in a trouser suit. trying to catch a fart with a fishing net, like sim. Pursuing
a futile endeavour. ‘I’ve used a whole box of firelighters and about half a gallon of petrol attempting to get this Tesco Instant Light Barbecue going. It’s like trying to catch a fart with a fishing net, your holiness.’ take your finger, touch your nose, blink three times and off it goes exclam. A Mr Tumblestyle incantation, complete with actions, to be performed in the style of the popular CBeebies simpleton prior to the release of a guff. See also listen to this, too good to miss, da-da da-da da; our survey said; please hold for the president; my next guest needs no introduction.
unforced error n. A rectal mis-step that makes it look as if one has taken a fall on a wet clay court. Also failed parking test or shart. University of Edge Hill 1. n. The trial-and-error process by which a young man learns to successfully time the interrup
tus of his coitus. 2. n. One of the country’s most exclusive seats of higher learning, ranked 64th in the UK, one above Bangor.
Vienna 1. n. Title of a turgid 1981 Ultravox single that was happily kept off the top spot in the charts for a month by the Joe Dolce novelty song Shaddap You Face. 2. n. Asatisfyingly monumental dump that refuses to move despite endless flushing, prodding it with a stick and attempts to break it up using illegal fireworks left over from November 5th. Anon- moving number two. wath 1. n. A small town in the Dearne valley, just outside Rotherham. 2. n. A bout of self
delight essayed while ostensibly enjoying a long, hot soak. From wank + bath. wife expectancy n. The amount of time a chap has while out shopping with his last resort - not usually very long - before she catches him perving at a huge pair of jugs or sneaking off to the pub.
WE all know how disgusting the Germans can be, but surely this is a new low even for them? Hadrian Wall, email