The Lord of It’s the Swear­ings Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

VIZ - - Profanisaurus Roger -

a hot wa­ter bot­tle and a bot­tle of Bovril phr. ono­mat. The sound made by a sub­stan­tial sub-aquatic bot­tom burp. Also known, var­i­ously, as a blooper, tot­tle, Ed­ward Wood­ward, bot­tle of olives, or Bill Od­die. ale­house whisper n. An attmpted sotto voce ut­ter­ance ren­dered molto for­tis­simo by booze. ‘Fuck me Dave, I’d love to shag big Eric’s mis­sus.’ ‘Keep it down a bit, Paul. You’ve got a touch of the ale­house whisper there, and Eric’s com­ing over.’

amuse douche n. Fr. Wet­ting one­self with laugh­ter. arse mem­o­ries n. Turds. ‘Fuck­ing Nora. I just trod in one of next door’s cat’s arse mem­o­ries again, June.’

bar­maged­don n. The least gen­teel drink­ing es­tab­lish­ment in a charm­ingly earthy es­tate or town; typ­i­cally a flat-roofed pub. Ahos­til­ery where one is likely to suf­fer se­ri­ous in­jury for merely be­ing there, eg. a cer­tain pub in North Shields, which is af­fec­tion­ately known by its clien­tele as “The Fly­ing Stool”.

bol­locko adj. milit. Naked, in the nip; to quote Alan Par­tridge, com­pletely Billy bol­locks.

bone­shaker 1. n. A prim­i­tive type of ve­loci­pede. 2. n. A lass whose sex­ual reper­toire is lim­ited to hand jobs. breast nest n. A brassiere. Also tit pants, kit­ten ham­mocks, ras­cal sacks, knocker hop­pers. could some­one shut the back door please? ex­clam. rhet. Phrase ut­tered when a noi­some vapour from an un­known source is de­tected. See also who let the ducks in?

craft ale fan euph. An al­co­holic. Some­one who quaffs 8.5% lager at lunchtime be­cause of the “hoppy” flavour or what­ever.

crap ap­ples n. Plas­tic bags filled with dog-tof­fee found hang­ing on tree branches and hedgerows.

crus­tard 1. n. A sweet mix­ture of cream and cus­tard for use on desserts, it says here. 2. n. The slightly less palat­able sub­stance of­ten found un­der a poorly main­tained five­skin. daily beast, the 1. n. An Amer­i­can news web­site. 2. n. A fel­low’s morn­ing glory or dawn horn. The mo­tor­cy­cle kick­stand. debone 1. v. To lack­adaisi­cally pre­pare a piece of fish for con­sump­tion by an el­derly and much-loved mem­ber of the roy- al fam­ily. 2. v. To break off re­la­tions with a girl­friend or wife. 3.

v. To pull out at the last minute, play Vat­i­can roulette. devil’s dough­nut n. Ahuge, per­fectly cir­cu­lar Cum­ber­land curl. dry dream n. An irk­some reverie dur­ing which you are try­ing to have it off with your mis­sus but she is hav­ing none of it. Elvis im­per­son­ator n. One who dis­ap­pears into the la­va­tory for a wor­ry­ingly long time. emer­gency en­trance n. The back pas­sage, utilised when the mis­sus has got mice. Also known as The Fly­ing Horse. forty stone alone euph. A for­lorn and lonely pie en­thu­si­ast. free­view and fuck? ex­clam. in­ter­rog. A can­did al­ter­na­tive to Net­flix and chill? for the modern male on a bud­get. giro­copter n. Favoured method of ur­ban trans­port for the less ath­let­i­cally in­clined sports cloth­ing wearer. A coun­cil go-kart or mo­bil­ity scooter. glutes, thumbs and tongue work­out euph. The phys­i­cal ac­tiv­ity un­der­taken by the ma­jor­ity of folk in modern gyms, viz. Sit­ting on their arse, play­ing on their mo­bile phones and talk­ing.

good night out in Belfast euph. Afight. Harry’s bar 1.

n. So­phis­ti­cated New York drink­ing es­tab­lish­ment favoured by the Metropoli­tan elite for the con­sump­tion of fine wines and cock­tails.

2. n. Out­door area favoured by Har

old Ramp and friends for the al fresco down­ing of White Light­ning. The tramp grill. hot tub 1. n. Ajacuzzi. 2. n. An al­lur­ingly filfy plumper. KGB n. Yet an­other amus­ing term for a lady’s per­ineum. So named be­cause “one slip of the tongue could land you in the shit”. labi­athan n. Astep up from a wizard’s sleeve. Big Daddy’s sleep­ing bag, a twat like a builder’s rub­ble tub. let the drain take the strain phr. Said of a size­able Mis­ter Ma­goo that may well over­whelm the house’s foulpipe.

lidl class adj. As­pi­ra­tional but frankly a bit skint.

Mount Doom n. A curry restau­rant where one goes to “burn one’s ring”. Mr Tum­ble’s spotty bag n. medic. Dis­tress­ing af­flic­tion that may ne­ces­si­tate mak­ing an ap­point­ment at the lo­cal hap­pyrash clinic. north­erns n. medic. Hae­m­or­rhoids, bum grapes. From north­ern isles = St Mary ofAr­gyles. nose­bag on a chicken, fits like a sim. Said of some­thing that snugly at­taches to you like those tight trousers they wear now. ‘Have you knobbed that new bar­maid at the Bull yet, Walter?’ ‘Cer­tainly have, Mrs Archer. Her fanny was that tight it fit­ted my cock like a nose bag on a chicken.’

Ord­sall chord 1. n. Short rail link be­tween the very posh and vis­i­ble Manch­ester Pic­cadilly, and the less glam­orous, not as ac­ces­si­ble - and yet nev­er­the­less cu­rios­ity-piquing - Manch­ester Vic­to­ria, and thus, as usual, 2. n. The taint, tin­ter,

Hum­ber Bridge etc. 3. n. The banjo string or guy­rope. out, Mrs Duck, and take your duck­lings with you! ex­clam. To be said with con­sid­er­able bravado af­ter un­leash­ing one par­ticu-

larly loud bum-quack fol­lowed by a num­ber of smaller quacks. pen­guin’s nut sack, tighter than a sim. Not overly mu­nif­i­cent. Also tighter than a ~ shark’s arse, ~bull­fighter’s pants, ~ teenage wanker’s cur­tains. pit of mis­ery n. Any pub fre­quented by the sort of twats who shout “Dilly Dilly” as they neck their bot­tles of fizzy piss.

Queen’s fart n. The gen­tle sigh of an ex­pertly opened Cham­pagne bot­tle. rasp­berry lavlova n. In the works bogs, the stench of shite sub­tly masked by a fruity vape. rush hour n. The race, first thing in the morn­ing, to se­cure the last clean of­fice toi­let cu­bi­cle be­fore heavy use causes dam­age that will not be rec­ti­fied un­til the cleaner starts their next shift. serve an ace v. To loose off a back pocket rocket. See also bang! and the dirt is gone!

shitcrumb n. Aworth­less item. ‘So, let’s see what auc­tion­eer Philip Ser­rell has to say about the shitcrumbs that the taste­less bel­lends on the red team have bought.’

sleep mode n. A mar­ried man’s semi-som­no­lent state, whereby he ap­pears to be awake and lis­ten­ing to his wife, nod­ding and oc­ca­sion­ally mur­mur­ing as­sent, while he is ac­tu­ally com­pletely obliv­i­ous to every sin­gle word she has said for the last half hour. Just like the Ama­zon Echo, a man can be in­stantly awo­ken from sleep mode by the use of the phrase “What do you think?” Slim Pick­ens is wav­ing his hat ex­clam. An ex­pres­sion of re­lief af­ter the first bombs away mo­ment fol­low­ing a spell of slug­gish di­ges­tive tran­sit, such as might be caused by a week on Coco­damol. From the fa­mous last scene of the film Dr Strangelove. snake charmer’s bas­ket n. A toi­let with an ex­tremely large, un­flush­able bowl con­stric­tor curled round it, with its head pok­ing men­ac­ingly up above the rim. sofa scram­ble n. The rush to find the re­mote con­trol when the theme mu­sic for The One Show starts. soft­wear n. Any item of cloth­ing that pro­tects its owner in any way from the ef­fects of the win­ter weather, worn when out on the town by a nesh weak­ling in the North East of Eng­land, eg. A coat, jumper, gloves, or - in New­cas­tle on a Fri­day evening - a shirt with long sleeves.

stinky sail­boat n. When your dog drags its arse across the car­pet. Also known as yacht­ing. Stow­ford bot­tom 1. n. A vil­lage in Somerset. 2. n. What the Worzels get the morn­ing af­ter they’ve had a heavy night out im­bib­ing cider.

tena city n. Re­tire­ment com­mu­nity or old peo­ple’s home.

throw a pot v. To drop a log that looks like some­thing done against the clock on the Gen­era

tion Game by a flus­tered mid­dleaged woman in a trouser suit. try­ing to catch a fart with a fish­ing net, like sim. Pur­su­ing

a fu­tile en­deav­our. ‘I’ve used a whole box of fire­lighters and about half a gal­lon of petrol at­tempt­ing to get this Tesco In­stant Light Bar­be­cue go­ing. It’s like try­ing to catch a fart with a fish­ing net, your ho­li­ness.’ take your fin­ger, touch your nose, blink three times and off it goes ex­clam. A Mr Tum­blestyle in­can­ta­tion, com­plete with ac­tions, to be per­formed in the style of the pop­u­lar CBee­bies sim­ple­ton prior to the re­lease of a guff. See also lis­ten to this, too good to miss, da-da da-da da; our sur­vey said; please hold for the pres­i­dent; my next guest needs no in­tro­duc­tion.

un­forced er­ror n. A rec­tal mis-step that makes it look as if one has taken a fall on a wet clay court. Also failed park­ing test or shart. Univer­sity of Edge Hill 1. n. The trial-and-er­ror process by which a young man learns to suc­cess­fully time the in­ter­rup

tus of his coitus. 2. n. One of the coun­try’s most ex­clu­sive seats of higher learn­ing, ranked 64th in the UK, one above Bangor.

Vi­enna 1. n. Ti­tle of a turgid 1981 Ul­travox sin­gle that was hap­pily kept off the top spot in the charts for a month by the Joe Dolce novelty song Shad­dap You Face. 2. n. Asat­is­fy­ingly mon­u­men­tal dump that re­fuses to move de­spite end­less flush­ing, prod­ding it with a stick and at­tempts to break it up us­ing il­le­gal fire­works left over from Novem­ber 5th. Anon- mov­ing num­ber two. wath 1. n. A small town in the Dearne val­ley, just out­side Rother­ham. 2. n. A bout of self

de­light es­sayed while os­ten­si­bly en­joy­ing a long, hot soak. From wank + bath. wife ex­pectancy n. The amount of time a chap has while out shop­ping with his last re­sort - not usu­ally very long - be­fore she catches him perv­ing at a huge pair of jugs or sneak­ing off to the pub.

WE all know how dis­gust­ing the Ger­mans can be, but surely this is a new low even for them? Hadrian Wall, email

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