Joanna Lum­ley

VIZ - - 4-page Plastics Special Report -

THE

Padding­ton 2 star is a 24-carat na­tional trea­sure, and has cam­paigned tire­lessly on be­half of orang utans, tigers, gurkhas and po­lar bears. But does she love these en­dan­gered species enough to ac­tu­ally change her own habits? I de­cided to find out.

Af­ter drug­ging her next door neigh­bour’s dog with some meat to stop it bark­ing, I scaled the gar­den wall of her el­e­gant Not­ting Hill pad. I quickly found the bins in the side pas­sage, and tipped them over to un­earth ev­i­dence of her hypocrisy.

But then I hit a snag: the bins had been col­lected that morn­ing and were as clean as a whis­tle.

proof

How­ever, a good in­ves­tiga­tive jour­nal­ist doesn’t give up un­til he dis­cov­ers the proof that he wants, and nei­ther do I. I knew that Lum­ley wasn’t in, as she was do­ing the BAF­TAS with all her luvvie pals that night, so us­ing a jemmy that I had found ly­ing at the bot­tom of my in­side pocket, I quickly forced the kitchen win­dow and let my­self in.

six­pence

Once in­side, the ev­i­dence of the fa­mously fra­grant ac­tress’s stink­ing hypocrisy was ev­ery­where. A bot­tle of ex­tra vir­gin olive oil with the damn­ing la­bel “Re­cy­clable in some ar­eas. Please check with your lo­cal au­thor­ity”; a bunch of six ba­nanas only one of which bore a Fair­trade sticker; a sin­gle-use cap­sule cof­fee ma­chine - per­haps the most en­vi­ron­men­tally ir­re­spon­si­ble thing a per­son could own.

I ven­tured up­stairs into Lum­ley’s bed­room, and ev­ery­where I looked, my sus­pi­cions were con­firmed even more. A plas­tic light switch; a plas­tic clock ra­dio; a plas­tic comb on the bed­side ta­ble… all of which would one day end up in land­fill and take 10,000 years to break

down.

I quickly per­formed a sex act into her un­der­wear drawer to make her think a fox had bro­ken in and per­formed a sex act into her un­der­wear drawer, be­fore leav­ing. As I van­ished into the Not­ting Hill night, I felt stick to my stom­ach.

Joanna Lum­ley may be the dar­ling of the eco-set, but there’s noth­ing “ab­so­lutely fab­u­lous” about the dam­age she is sin­gle-hand­edly do­ing to our pre­cious planet.

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