Paddington 2 star is a 24-carat national treasure, and has campaigned tirelessly on behalf of orang utans, tigers, gurkhas and polar bears. But does she love these endangered species enough to actually change her own habits? I decided to find out.
After drugging her next door neighbour’s dog with some meat to stop it barking, I scaled the garden wall of her elegant Notting Hill pad. I quickly found the bins in the side passage, and tipped them over to unearth evidence of her hypocrisy.
But then I hit a snag: the bins had been collected that morning and were as clean as a whistle.
However, a good investigative journalist doesn’t give up until he discovers the proof that he wants, and neither do I. I knew that Lumley wasn’t in, as she was doing the BAFTAS with all her luvvie pals that night, so using a jemmy that I had found lying at the bottom of my inside pocket, I quickly forced the kitchen window and let myself in.
Once inside, the evidence of the famously fragrant actress’s stinking hypocrisy was everywhere. A bottle of extra virgin olive oil with the damning label “Recyclable in some areas. Please check with your local authority”; a bunch of six bananas only one of which bore a Fairtrade sticker; a single-use capsule coffee machine - perhaps the most environmentally irresponsible thing a person could own.
I ventured upstairs into Lumley’s bedroom, and everywhere I looked, my suspicions were confirmed even more. A plastic light switch; a plastic clock radio; a plastic comb on the bedside table… all of which would one day end up in landfill and take 10,000 years to break
I quickly performed a sex act into her underwear drawer to make her think a fox had broken in and performed a sex act into her underwear drawer, before leaving. As I vanished into the Notting Hill night, I felt stick to my stomach.
Joanna Lumley may be the darling of the eco-set, but there’s nothing “absolutely fabulous” about the damage she is single-handedly doing to our precious planet.