NO DROUGHT ABOUT IT
Bono Saves Planet yet AGAIN!
THE recent spell of unseasonal summery weather saw Britons stripping off in their droves as the UK sizzled for week after week. But according to some experts, those high temperatures could easily spell disaster, with the country’s reservoirs boiling dry under the baking sun. And a lack of water could prove disastrous to human beings, dogs, cats and plants, as all living things rely on the tasteless seethrough liquid for survival.
But as scientists scratch their heads wondering how to save life on earth, it has once again been left to pint-sized pop star Bono to come to the planet’s aid. And according to the U2 frontman, who tips the height chart at 5’3”, the answer was glaringly obvious.
“As our rivers, reservoirs and lakes dry up, we could simply drink the sea,” he told reporters at a press conference held in the Channel Islands for tax reasons.
“It’s made out of water and it’s absolutely huge. It’s a no-brainer. If everyone on the planet had four glasses of the sea every day, it would still last for millions of years,” he added.
And the singer’s ludicrously simple life-saving suggestion has left boffins with egg on their egghead faces.
“I can’t believe we missed this one,” said Professor Hector Cravat, a climate change scientist from Oxford University. “We were so wrapped up with trying to produce water by somehow fusing gaseous hydrogen and oxygen, or extracting the organic component from fossil hydrocarbons that we forgot that two thirds of the planet is covered in the stuff,” he continued.
“I feel a right dickhead.”
Other scientists also could not believe how stupid they had been. “Facepalm! Talk ‘bout not seeing the wood 4 the trees,” tweeted BBC Science Today presenter Dr Adam Rutherford.
And CERN particle smasher Professor Brian Cox was equally embarrassed. “The sea. Of course! Is there no limit to the number of ways this short-arsed bellend can save the planet?” he said. “Honestly, he’s made us scientists look proper fools,” he added.
But although he is responsible for saving the earth’s entire population, the tax-averse warbler was being characteristically modest last night. “I daresay that many people would like to thank me for saving the earth, perhaps with some medal or award, but that’s not the reason I did it,” he told Majesty magazine. “Many may go so far as to suggest that the planet’s name be changed from Earth to Planet Bono in my honour. But that’s not for me to say, that’s for other people to decide,” he opined.
However, web server hosts Cardiac Internet confirmed that they had yesterday sold the domain names Planetbono.com, Planetbono.org and Planetbono.co.uk. over the phone to an anonymous buyer for £19.99 per year with automatic renewal.
“I don’t know who he was, but he had an Irish accent,” said a Cardiac Internet telesales operator. “And he sounded like he was about 5’3”, with sunglasses and a hat,” he added.
Sea moves in mysterious waves: Bono’s watery solution could save billions of lives worldwide.