Bono Saves Planet yet AGAIN!

VIZ - - Viz Drought Special - From our BONO cor­re­spon­dent Bo Nolan in Dublin

THE re­cent spell of un­sea­sonal sum­mery weather saw Bri­tons strip­ping off in their droves as the UK siz­zled for week af­ter week. But ac­cord­ing to some ex­perts, those high tem­per­a­tures could eas­ily spell dis­as­ter, with the coun­try’s reser­voirs boil­ing dry under the bak­ing sun. And a lack of wa­ter could prove dis­as­trous to hu­man be­ings, dogs, cats and plants, as all liv­ing things rely on the taste­less seethrough liq­uid for sur­vival.

But as sci­en­tists scratch their heads won­der­ing how to save life on earth, it has once again been left to pint-sized pop star Bono to come to the planet’s aid. And ac­cord­ing to the U2 front­man, who tips the height chart at 5’3”, the an­swer was glar­ingly ob­vi­ous.

“As our rivers, reser­voirs and lakes dry up, we could sim­ply drink the sea,” he told re­porters at a press con­fer­ence held in the Chan­nel Is­lands for tax rea­sons.

“It’s made out of wa­ter and it’s ab­so­lutely huge. It’s a no-brainer. If ev­ery­one on the planet had four glasses of the sea ev­ery day, it would still last for mil­lions of years,” he added.

And the singer’s lu­di­crously sim­ple life-sav­ing sug­ges­tion has left boffins with egg on their egghead faces.


“I can’t be­lieve we missed this one,” said Pro­fes­sor Hec­tor Cra­vat, a climate change sci­en­tist from Ox­ford Univer­sity. “We were so wrapped up with try­ing to pro­duce wa­ter by some­how fus­ing gaseous hy­dro­gen and oxy­gen, or ex­tract­ing the or­ganic com­po­nent from fos­sil hy­dro­car­bons that we for­got that two thirds of the planet is cov­ered in the stuff,” he con­tin­ued.

“I feel a right dick­head.”

Other sci­en­tists also could not be­lieve how stupid they had been. “Fa­cepalm! Talk ‘bout not see­ing the wood 4 the trees,” tweeted BBC Sci­ence To­day pre­sen­ter Dr Adam Ruther­ford.

And CERN par­ti­cle smasher Pro­fes­sor Brian Cox was equally em­bar­rassed. “The sea. Of course! Is there no limit to the num­ber of ways this short-ar­sed bel­lend can save the planet?” he said. “Hon­estly, he’s made us sci­en­tists look proper fools,” he added.


But al­though he is re­spon­si­ble for sav­ing the earth’s en­tire pop­u­la­tion, the tax-averse war­bler was be­ing char­ac­ter­is­ti­cally mod­est last night. “I dare­say that many peo­ple would like to thank me for sav­ing the earth, per­haps with some medal or award, but that’s not the rea­son I did it,” he told Majesty mag­a­zine. “Many may go so far as to sug­gest that the planet’s name be changed from Earth to Planet Bono in my hon­our. But that’s not for me to say, that’s for other peo­ple to de­cide,” he opined.

How­ever, web server hosts Car­diac In­ter­net con­firmed that they had yes­ter­day sold the do­main names Plan­et­, Plan­et­ and Plan­et­ over the phone to an anony­mous buyer for £19.99 per year with au­to­matic re­newal.

“I don’t know who he was, but he had an Ir­ish ac­cent,” said a Car­diac In­ter­net tele­sales op­er­a­tor. “And he sounded like he was about 5’3”, with sun­glasses and a hat,” he added.

Sea moves in mys­te­ri­ous waves: Bono’s wa­tery so­lu­tion could save bil­lions of lives world­wide.

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