WAR AND PISS

VIZ - - Roger’s Profanisaurus -

all round to Mrs Brown’s 1. n. Satur­day night tele­vi­sion en­ter­tain­ment show that, you might imag­ine without ac­tu­ally go­ing through the or­deal of watching it, is a bit like Noel’s House Party only with an el­derly fe­male im­per­son­ator shout­ing “Feck!” ev­ery ten sec­onds or so. 2. euph. That won­der­ful moment when your bag for life in­ti­mates that some back­door ac­tion might just pos­si­bly be on the cards.

Blue Peter badge n. rhym. slang. The fem­i­nine bower of bliss; the vadge, fadge etc. ‘Love, I’ve emp­tied the bins, cleaned the car and mowed the lawn. Do I get a Blue Peter badge tonight then, or what?’

bog oak 1. n. Dark, heavy tim­ber that has been sub­merged in moist con­di­tions for cen­turies. 2. n. Dark, heavy Peter O’Tooles that are thick and dense enough to cause dis­tress when be­ing passed. 3. n. Also see throne bone. box gut­ter 1.n. Means of re­mov­ing rain­fall from a build­ing. 2.n. The banny, gunt, fupa, blub­ber beret, fadgida, pie hider, fat hat or poond.

Brazil nuts n. Shaven clock

weights with a thin strip of plum fluff left down the mid­dle.

change at Edg­ware Road euph. When en­gag­ing in the act of con­cu­bi­nage with a salad dodger, a trans­fer from the pink to the brown line which, rather than be­ing a very quick ad­just­ment (as in a change at Baker Street), in fact re­quires one to come out to the sur­face, re-ori­en­tate one’s po­si­tion, and then re-de­scend.

chope the chicken v. To mas­tur­bate fu­ri­ously over a photograph sneak­ily taken up a lady’s skirt. cur­ri­cane n. A huge swirling vor­tex of foetid, high tem­per­a­ture guff that could carry one away to the mag­i­cal land of Oz. curry butty n. Oc­cur­rence whereby a restau­rant crap­per fur­nishes in­suf­fi­cient bumwad to fin­ish the clean-up op­er­a­tion fol­low­ing a par­tic­u­larly po­tent Ruby Mur­ray, viz. Wedg­ing what re­mains of the roll be­tween your arse cheeks and wad­dling to an ad­ja­cent cu­bi­cle in search of fresh sup­plies. See also chip ’n’dip. déja thru n. Fr. Weird, other- worldly worldly feel­ing ex­pe­ri­enced when gam­bling and and los­ing los­ing in in the the same same lo­ca­tion lo­ca­tion on on more more than than one one oc­ca­sion, oc­ca­sion, eg. On On the the N21 N21 AnAn­gel bus, to select a com­pletely hy­po­thet­i­cal ex­am­ple purely at ran­dom. dickie seat 1. n. On a vet­eran mo­tor car, pop-up rear pas­sen­ger ac­com­mo­da­tion that is in­tended for oc­ca­sional use. 2. n. A spin­ster’s chair that has been hand­ily equipped with a neck mas­sager. dirty corn­flakes n. Pressed and dried jizz spots on a pil­low case af­ter a fa­cial. ‘I’m sorry Tracey, but I have to say that I find the dirty corn­flakes in this piece a tad choco­late-boxy.’ don’t for­get to leave a re­view

on iTunes ex­clam. An­other fun thing to say af­ter some­one has just stepped on a duck. See also I would like to say thank you on be­half of the group and our­selves and I hope we’ve passed the au­di­tion; that’s a penalty! etc. Dutch auc­tion n. Process of ne­go­ti­at­ing ser­vices and costs with two or more ri­val good time girls, es­pe­cially when us­ing an awk­ward com­bi­na­tion of English, French, Ger­man, and cha­rades. ele­phant stop­per n. A mas­sive fowl­ing piece. A mem­ber for Eal­ing North. era­sure 1. n. Bri­tish synth-pop band of the 1980s, who may or may not have been the same as Ya­zoo. 2. n. The act of fe­male mas­tur­ba­tion, viz. “rub­bing one out”. exit, pur­sued by a bear 1. phr. Fa­mous stage in­struc­tion from Shake­speare’s Twelfth Night. 2. phr. Leav­ing a room with a lot of griz­zly growl­ing in one’s wake. fartgaz­ing n. Dis­tracted ex­pres­sion as­sumed when re­leas­ing a pro­longed chuff. feed the oys­ter v. To en­gage in vagi­nal in­ter­course. To do the dirty.

five fin­ger death punch 1. n. Pop­u­lar USA alt-rock combo. No, us nei­ther. 2. n. Five sticks of Peperami be­tween two slices of thickly but­tered white bread, all washed down with tea with four sug­ars and a Cap­stan Full Strength; the break­fast of cham­pi­ons. 3. n .A no-non­sense spot of fist­ing. Also Am­s­ter­dam up­per­cut, a fiver in.

flip-flaps n. Big old meaty, lowhang­ing Keith Bur­tons that make a slap­ping sound while walk­ing.

fuck trump phr. Con­tent of a foul-mouthed speech made by Robert De Niro in which he some­what dis­par­aged the epony­mous com­edy 45th POTUS. 2. n. A noise pro­duced in­ad­ver­tently while hav­ing it off. A queef, flap rasp­berry, Harry Rams­den’s din­ner gong, Neddy Sea­goon’s last rasp­berry, front bum trum­pet pump, framp­ton, hat dropped for­ward, Law­ley ka­zoo, muff chuff, crum­pet trum­pet, vul­vuzela or fanny fart.

Har­vey Smith, more clear rounds than sim. rhet. Said of a chap who is a bit shy when it’s his turn to get the drinks in. ‘Fuck me, where’s Dave gone? He’s in the chair.’ ‘He’s sloped off, mate. He’s had more clear rounds than Har­vey Smith, that cunt.’

he VA glue n. Wa­ter-based, sticky white ad­he­sive that, no mat­ter how care­fully it is used, in­vari­ably gets ab­so­lutely ev­ery­where. Jimmy Cricket 1. n. prop. North­ern Ir­ish stand-up co­me­dian whose 1980 sIT V show, en­ti­tled And There’s More, was iron­i­cally axed af­ter 24 episodes. 2. n. A never-end­ing sit-down visit to the bum sink. Also known as a ma­gi­cian’s han­kie. job­by­moon n. Post- poo high, which may or may not in­volve a ro­man­tic stroll along a beach. joys­luice n. medic. The mis­sus’s Skene’s gland, which pro­duces pars­ley sauce. knock on wood euph. To have a

five knuckle shuf­fle. lap­top glue n. The vis­cous prod­uct of hav­ing one off the wrist when buy­ing a present

for the wife. See also he VA. ‘Ex­cuse me, do you have any­thing for get­ting lap­top glue off a key­board?’

log book n. Lit­er­a­ture kept in the small­est room that gives you some­thing to read, in ad­di­tion to the back of the tal­cum pow­der or bleach bot­tles, when en­sconced there for a pro­longed pe­riod. For what­ever rea­son.

mank bank n. Mental flo­ri­legium fea­tur­ing spunk-cur­dling im­ages of the most hor­rific episodes from a fel­low’s ro­man­tic ca­reer, brought to mind when he is at­tempt­ing to stop his milk from boil­ing over.

mari­nade v. To stick your cock in and just leave it there with ab­so­lutely no move­ment what­so­ever. Apre-mar­riage prac­tice that is pop­u­lar amongst Mor­mons, ap­par­ently. ‘I’ll be your lep­rechaun and sit upon an old toad­stool, I’ll mari­nade you till I’m old and gray. I’ll be your long-haired lover from Liv­er­pool, you’ll be my sun­shine daisy from LA.’

miner’s arm euph. A brawny erec­tion of the male part that could knock your teeth out in a pub. mois­ture in the charg­ing port 1. n. An er­ror mes­sage, which ap­pears when try­ing to charge a mo­bile phone af­ter drop­ping it in the toi­let. 2. n. The state all shal­low women get them­selves into while watching top­less Ai­dan Turner on Poldark. Gooey in the fork. mole’s breath 1. n. Wanky Far­row & Bar­row paint colour that David Cameron’s shep­herd’s hut is prob­a­bly painted in. 2. n. Aqueef. nurse’s watch n. A large, pendu

lous clema­tis. old Lon­don bus, fanny like an sim. A well-used bill­poster’s bucket that lots of drunk blokes have made a mess in over the years. pard-on n. An un­planned thumper of such mag­ni­tude and con­spic­u­ous­ness that one feels obliged to ex­cuse one­self to one’s fel­low lift users. posh nosh 1. n. Fine din­ing. 2. n.

An aris­to­cratic blowjob. pup­pies n. What emerges nine months af­ter an act of dog­ging. ‘I’m just go­ing to pick the puppy up from nurs­ery, love.’ rid­ing shot­gun euph. DVDA. From the lyrics to the Ge­orge Ezra song of the same name, viz. “(we got) two in the front, two in the back.” rod­ding point 1. n. An aper­ture in a drainage sys­tem to al­low the in­ser­tion of flex­i­ble shafts in or­der to clear block­ages, and thus 2. n. The fe­male parts of shame. 3. n. The nar­row win­dow of op­por­tu­nity dur­ing which an age­ing fel­low man­ages to at­tain a more or less use­able level of stonk­age. ‘I say, Camilla, it would ap­pear that one has reached rod­ding point.’ ‘We’ll go on then, Chaz. It won’t bang it­self.’

roll out the white car­pet v. To lay a strip of lava­tory tis­sue just next to the wa­ter in the job­bie en­gine in a gal­lant at­tempt to pre­vent dirty foot­prints on the porce­lain.

Sad­dle­worth rab­bit, hot­ter than a sim. Hot­ter than a junkie’s spoon. ‘I tell you what, your ho­li­ness. That Rachel Ri­ley on Count­down is hot­ter than a Sad­dle­worth rab­bit.’

shits that pass in the night phr. While drop­ping the kids off at the pool, par­tic­u­larly in a trans­porta­tion hub, not car­ing if the per­son in the next cu­bi­cle can hear you be­cause you’re never go­ing to see them again. silent re­lease 1. n. In IT, an up­grade that is unan­nounced and adeptly timed, such that it goes en­tirely un­no­ticed, in the­ory. 2. n. A sul­phurous prairie wind that is rolled out on a sim­i­larly spec­u­la­tive prin­ci­ple. slick 50 1. n. An en­gine oil ad­di­tive of de­bat­able util­ity. 2. n. A newly di­vorced mid­dle-aged gent who drives a brand new con­vert­ible, goes to the gym (mainly the yoga classes) and, an­noy­ingly, some­how man­ages to pull top end scrunt that is at least 30 years his ju­nior. soil the air v. To drop a gut. street food 1. n. Vi­brant al fresco cui­sine. 2. n. A take­away co­mestible that is eaten re­gard­less of the fact that it has been dropped on the pave­ment. test­ing the in­ter­net euph. Mas­tur­bat­ing. ‘I’ll be down in a minute, love. I’m just test­ing the in­ter­net.’ two wank min­i­mum phr. Grad­ing stan­dard ap­plied to high qual­ity grumble. willy nilly n. A gent’s fail­ure in front of an open goal af­ter one too many pints on a Fri­day night. Also ale­house cock, knob of but­ter, brewer’s droop, los lo­bos. zen­drex n. Cheap, im­pos­si­bly thin bog roll that your fin­gers will def­i­nitely go through, thus putting you “in touch with your in­ner self”.

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