WAR AND PISS
all round to Mrs Brown’s 1. n. Saturday night television entertainment show that, you might imagine without actually going through the ordeal of watching it, is a bit like Noel’s House Party only with an elderly female impersonator shouting “Feck!” every ten seconds or so. 2. euph. That wonderful moment when your bag for life intimates that some backdoor action might just possibly be on the cards.
Blue Peter badge n. rhym. slang. The feminine bower of bliss; the vadge, fadge etc. ‘Love, I’ve emptied the bins, cleaned the car and mowed the lawn. Do I get a Blue Peter badge tonight then, or what?’
bog oak 1. n. Dark, heavy timber that has been submerged in moist conditions for centuries. 2. n. Dark, heavy Peter O’Tooles that are thick and dense enough to cause distress when being passed. 3. n. Also see throne bone. box gutter 1.n. Means of removing rainfall from a building. 2.n. The banny, gunt, fupa, blubber beret, fadgida, pie hider, fat hat or poond.
Brazil nuts n. Shaven clock
weights with a thin strip of plum fluff left down the middle.
change at Edgware Road euph. When engaging in the act of concubinage with a salad dodger, a transfer from the pink to the brown line which, rather than being a very quick adjustment (as in a change at Baker Street), in fact requires one to come out to the surface, re-orientate one’s position, and then re-descend.
chope the chicken v. To masturbate furiously over a photograph sneakily taken up a lady’s skirt. curricane n. A huge swirling vortex of foetid, high temperature guff that could carry one away to the magical land of Oz. curry butty n. Occurrence whereby a restaurant crapper furnishes insufficient bumwad to finish the clean-up operation following a particularly potent Ruby Murray, viz. Wedging what remains of the roll between your arse cheeks and waddling to an adjacent cubicle in search of fresh supplies. See also chip ’n’dip. déja thru n. Fr. Weird, other- worldly worldly feeling experienced when gambling and and losing losing in in the the same same location location on on more more than than one one occasion, occasion, eg. On On the the N21 N21 AnAngel bus, to select a completely hypothetical example purely at random. dickie seat 1. n. On a veteran motor car, pop-up rear passenger accommodation that is intended for occasional use. 2. n. A spinster’s chair that has been handily equipped with a neck massager. dirty cornflakes n. Pressed and dried jizz spots on a pillow case after a facial. ‘I’m sorry Tracey, but I have to say that I find the dirty cornflakes in this piece a tad chocolate-boxy.’ don’t forget to leave a review
on iTunes exclam. Another fun thing to say after someone has just stepped on a duck. See also I would like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves and I hope we’ve passed the audition; that’s a penalty! etc. Dutch auction n. Process of negotiating services and costs with two or more rival good time girls, especially when using an awkward combination of English, French, German, and charades. elephant stopper n. A massive fowling piece. A member for Ealing North. erasure 1. n. British synth-pop band of the 1980s, who may or may not have been the same as Yazoo. 2. n. The act of female masturbation, viz. “rubbing one out”. exit, pursued by a bear 1. phr. Famous stage instruction from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. 2. phr. Leaving a room with a lot of grizzly growling in one’s wake. fartgazing n. Distracted expression assumed when releasing a prolonged chuff. feed the oyster v. To engage in vaginal intercourse. To do the dirty.
five finger death punch 1. n. Popular USA alt-rock combo. No, us neither. 2. n. Five sticks of Peperami between two slices of thickly buttered white bread, all washed down with tea with four sugars and a Capstan Full Strength; the breakfast of champions. 3. n .A no-nonsense spot of fisting. Also Amsterdam uppercut, a fiver in.
flip-flaps n. Big old meaty, lowhanging Keith Burtons that make a slapping sound while walking.
fuck trump phr. Content of a foul-mouthed speech made by Robert De Niro in which he somewhat disparaged the eponymous comedy 45th POTUS. 2. n. A noise produced inadvertently while having it off. A queef, flap raspberry, Harry Ramsden’s dinner gong, Neddy Seagoon’s last raspberry, front bum trumpet pump, frampton, hat dropped forward, Lawley kazoo, muff chuff, crumpet trumpet, vulvuzela or fanny fart.
Harvey Smith, more clear rounds than sim. rhet. Said of a chap who is a bit shy when it’s his turn to get the drinks in. ‘Fuck me, where’s Dave gone? He’s in the chair.’ ‘He’s sloped off, mate. He’s had more clear rounds than Harvey Smith, that cunt.’
he VA glue n. Water-based, sticky white adhesive that, no matter how carefully it is used, invariably gets absolutely everywhere. Jimmy Cricket 1. n. prop. Northern Irish stand-up comedian whose 1980 sIT V show, entitled And There’s More, was ironically axed after 24 episodes. 2. n. A never-ending sit-down visit to the bum sink. Also known as a magician’s hankie. jobbymoon n. Post- poo high, which may or may not involve a romantic stroll along a beach. joysluice n. medic. The missus’s Skene’s gland, which produces parsley sauce. knock on wood euph. To have a
five knuckle shuffle. laptop glue n. The viscous product of having one off the wrist when buying a present
for the wife. See also he VA. ‘Excuse me, do you have anything for getting laptop glue off a keyboard?’
log book n. Literature kept in the smallest room that gives you something to read, in addition to the back of the talcum powder or bleach bottles, when ensconced there for a prolonged period. For whatever reason.
mank bank n. Mental florilegium featuring spunk-curdling images of the most horrific episodes from a fellow’s romantic career, brought to mind when he is attempting to stop his milk from boiling over.
marinade v. To stick your cock in and just leave it there with absolutely no movement whatsoever. Apre-marriage practice that is popular amongst Mormons, apparently. ‘I’ll be your leprechaun and sit upon an old toadstool, I’ll marinade you till I’m old and gray. I’ll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool, you’ll be my sunshine daisy from LA.’
miner’s arm euph. A brawny erection of the male part that could knock your teeth out in a pub. moisture in the charging port 1. n. An error message, which appears when trying to charge a mobile phone after dropping it in the toilet. 2. n. The state all shallow women get themselves into while watching topless Aidan Turner on Poldark. Gooey in the fork. mole’s breath 1. n. Wanky Farrow & Barrow paint colour that David Cameron’s shepherd’s hut is probably painted in. 2. n. Aqueef. nurse’s watch n. A large, pendu
lous clematis. old London bus, fanny like an sim. A well-used billposter’s bucket that lots of drunk blokes have made a mess in over the years. pard-on n. An unplanned thumper of such magnitude and conspicuousness that one feels obliged to excuse oneself to one’s fellow lift users. posh nosh 1. n. Fine dining. 2. n.
An aristocratic blowjob. puppies n. What emerges nine months after an act of dogging. ‘I’m just going to pick the puppy up from nursery, love.’ riding shotgun euph. DVDA. From the lyrics to the George Ezra song of the same name, viz. “(we got) two in the front, two in the back.” rodding point 1. n. An aperture in a drainage system to allow the insertion of flexible shafts in order to clear blockages, and thus 2. n. The female parts of shame. 3. n. The narrow window of opportunity during which an ageing fellow manages to attain a more or less useable level of stonkage. ‘I say, Camilla, it would appear that one has reached rodding point.’ ‘We’ll go on then, Chaz. It won’t bang itself.’
roll out the white carpet v. To lay a strip of lavatory tissue just next to the water in the jobbie engine in a gallant attempt to prevent dirty footprints on the porcelain.
Saddleworth rabbit, hotter than a sim. Hotter than a junkie’s spoon. ‘I tell you what, your holiness. That Rachel Riley on Countdown is hotter than a Saddleworth rabbit.’
shits that pass in the night phr. While dropping the kids off at the pool, particularly in a transportation hub, not caring if the person in the next cubicle can hear you because you’re never going to see them again. silent release 1. n. In IT, an upgrade that is unannounced and adeptly timed, such that it goes entirely unnoticed, in theory. 2. n. A sulphurous prairie wind that is rolled out on a similarly speculative principle. slick 50 1. n. An engine oil additive of debatable utility. 2. n. A newly divorced middle-aged gent who drives a brand new convertible, goes to the gym (mainly the yoga classes) and, annoyingly, somehow manages to pull top end scrunt that is at least 30 years his junior. soil the air v. To drop a gut. street food 1. n. Vibrant al fresco cuisine. 2. n. A takeaway comestible that is eaten regardless of the fact that it has been dropped on the pavement. testing the internet euph. Masturbating. ‘I’ll be down in a minute, love. I’m just testing the internet.’ two wank minimum phr. Grading standard applied to high quality grumble. willy nilly n. A gent’s failure in front of an open goal after one too many pints on a Friday night. Also alehouse cock, knob of butter, brewer’s droop, los lobos. zendrex n. Cheap, impossibly thin bog roll that your fingers will definitely go through, thus putting you “in touch with your inner self”.