EMILY REYNOLDS
26, AUTHOR
‘My mania just came across as shitty behaviour’ ‘I used to spend my life in pursuit of stimulation, which is common for people like me who are bipolar. Whether I was binge eating, downing wine before work or snorting MDMA, I was desperate to push down the emptiness. During one of my worst episodes, I was coming home from work to a rubbish-strewn flat and drinking myself to sleep. No wonder my manic self – who filled her life with drinks and deadlines and no-strings sex – felt like the fun, real me.
Not only did those episodes cause damage, they were hard to empathise with. We all feel sad from time to time but, from the outside, my mania just looked like shitty behaviour.
I’ve experienced psychotic episodes too; never voices in my head – it’s more banal than that, like a neverending dial tone. Occasionally, I have delusions, like when I was convinced someone had broken into my flat. They’re distressing – but I’m never a threat to anyone. But other people don’t know this. And they won’t, if we don’t start talking about conditions that are more difficult to grasp, such as psychosis, schizophrenia and personality disorders. Without understanding my condition, I wouldn’t be where I am now: indefinitely sober, in therapy and stable enough to think about eating vegetables and doing yoga. Being well is boring – and it feels good.’ A Beginner’s Guide To Losing Your Mind by Emily Reynolds (£14.99, Yellow Kite)