Wife wants to retire on her terms

HI, CAROLYN: I have been married to my second husband for 24 years. We have a 16-year-old and I have two adult children.

I have moved seven times in 17 years for his job. He climbed the ladder in his career. I had to pack up and start over seven times.

I feel alone! During those years, my siblings and parents died. My older children have kids and live in on the East Coast. When our youngest goes to college, my husband wants to move to Houston where his siblings are. I want to go east and be close to the other kids. All these years I have missed so much of their lives, and I don’t want to be a long-distance, part-time grandma. This is causing a lot of resentment. Any ideas?

— S. DEAR S.: Make your decision privately beforehand — would you rather live near family on your own or remain with your husband? — then make your case to your husband accordingly. If it’s the former, you insist that this move be yours to decide; if it’s the latter, then you ask that he agree to a move near your children in return for those past seven moves.

You have a good case either way. All couples do make their deals, and yours may well have been more complicated than you allow for here; maybe his careerchasing enabled you financially, for example, to focus on your children as you wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.

But even accounting for such a trade-off, the fact of seven optional, ladder-climbing moves, which you paid a high price for emotionally, says he got to act while you only reacted. Humans need some sense of lead authorship of their life stories. While supporting a partner can be a valid, honorable and satisfying first choice, these moves were clearly concessions for you, not plans.

I hope he doesn’t resist your reasonable request to the point that you have to spell this out — much less leave. DEAR CAROLYN: I don’t like the woman I’ve become! I have a loving husband and two wonderful preteen daughters, who are f lourishing. I, on the other hand, am not flourishing and it makes me feel ashamed.

After several moves with my husband’s job, we ended up in a small city where I couldn’t find work. I have a fledgling business that I can’t quite get off the ground (even though it has potential). I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I don’t feel connected to anything and I’ve become apathetic.

How do I change my attitude so that I can be the woman I want to be for my daughters?

— Not Flourishing DEAR NOT FLOURISHING:

You are holding the perfect lens through which to view your problem — you just need to turn it around: think how you’d respond if your daughters asked you exactly what you’re asking me.

Surely you’d flag, “makes me feel ashamed.” Everyone struggles at some life stage. So where’s the shame in being normal?

You’d also want them to talk to you, their dad, and/or someone more qualified to help them, right?

Next, you’d probably note the disconnect and apathy and urge them to see a doctor. Depression is the obvious concern, but other illnesses also can speak through our moods.

As these interventions play out, I’m guessing you’d suggest practical, concrete, baby steps toward being productive, both within their energy limits and toward some basic goals. Tending to their physical health. Cultivating social connections. Breaking down the business launch into daily, reachable goals.