Bride-to-be is feeling upstaged
DEAR CAROLYN: My partner of six years and I are getting married in September of next year and have been planning our wedding for about three months. My fiance’s younger sister, “Laura,” has been dating “Michael” for about two years. Rumor has it — my fiance’s mother informed me — that Michael and Laura have been shopping for engagement rings. I love them both and I am very excited for them.
However, my fiance’s mother also told me Laura and Michael want to have a short engagement and she believes they will set a date for next July. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I just said, “How exciting!”
But I do feel a bit upset about this. I have been a part of this family for six years and I am so excited to make it official. I can’t help the feeling that Laura’s wedding will upstage ours since the bulk of our events (bridal showers, bachelor/ bachelorettes, engagement parties) will overlap and her wedding will happen less than two months before mine. I also fear that some of my fiance’s family and friends won’t be able to travel for two weddings in such a short time and therefore skip ours.
Am I being selfish? I really do not want this to affect our relationship. After all, the weddings are only one day and we are going to be family for the rest of our lives. Would it be wrong for me to say something about how I’m feeling? Or should I just get over myself and be happy that we will all be family soon?
— Baffled Bride-To-Be
To believe you’re justified in feeling “upstaged,” you also have to believe two things: that there is such a thing as a stage, and that you are entitled to all of it.
Please do whatever it takes not to believe either of these things.
You’re leaning toward sanity, it seems, so here’s a little push.
A long engagement doesn’t freeze everyone in their places. Lives progress. That means couples choose long engagements at the risk that others will marry in the interim.
If you don’t want someone to get married in the interim because you fear that overlapping guests will have to miss your wedding, and if having these people present is your priority, then move your date up. Well up, like this fall or winter, since spacing is important to you.
If having the extra time to plan your wedding is your priority, then keep your original date with the full knowledge that it might cost you some guests — by your choice, oh well, meaning, at no fault of the people who get married in the interim. Because blaming people for getting on with their lives is not the frame of mind you want to bring to anything, much less to a wedding, where you essentially vow before all that you’ll never be “mefirst” again.
Carolyn Hax writes an advice column for the Washington Post