Bride-to-be is feel­ing up­staged

Austin American-Statesman Sunday - - SHOPPING TODAY -

DEAR CAROLYN: My part­ner of six years and I are get­ting mar­ried in Septem­ber of next year and have been plan­ning our wed­ding for about three months. My fi­ance’s younger sis­ter, “Laura,” has been dat­ing “Michael” for about two years. Ru­mor has it — my fi­ance’s mother in­formed me — that Michael and Laura have been shop­ping for en­gage­ment rings. I love them both and I am very ex­cited for them.

How­ever, my fi­ance’s mother also told me Laura and Michael want to have a short en­gage­ment and she be­lieves they will set a date for next July. I wasn’t sure how to re­spond so I just said, “How ex­cit­ing!”

But I do feel a bit up­set about this. I have been a part of this fam­ily for six years and I am so ex­cited to make it of­fi­cial. I can’t help the feel­ing that Laura’s wed­ding will up­stage ours since the bulk of our events (bridal show­ers, bach­e­lor/ bach­e­lorettes, en­gage­ment par­ties) will over­lap and her wed­ding will hap­pen less than two months be­fore mine. I also fear that some of my fi­ance’s fam­ily and friends won’t be able to travel for two wed­dings in such a short time and there­fore skip ours.

Am I be­ing selfish? I re­ally do not want this to af­fect our re­la­tion­ship. After all, the wed­dings are only one day and we are go­ing to be fam­ily for the rest of our lives. Would it be wrong for me to say some­thing about how I’m feel­ing? Or should I just get over my­self and be happy that we will all be fam­ily soon?

— Baf­fled Bride-To-Be

To believe you’re jus­ti­fied in feel­ing “up­staged,” you also have to believe two things: that there is such a thing as a stage, and that you are en­ti­tled to all of it.

Please do what­ever it takes not to believe ei­ther of these things.

You’re lean­ing to­ward san­ity, it seems, so here’s a lit­tle push.

A long en­gage­ment doesn’t freeze ev­ery­one in their places. Lives progress. That means cou­ples choose long en­gage­ments at the risk that oth­ers will marry in the in­terim.

If you don’t want some­one to get mar­ried in the in­terim be­cause you fear that over­lap­ping guests will have to miss your wed­ding, and if hav­ing these peo­ple present is your pri­or­ity, then move your date up. Well up, like this fall or win­ter, since spac­ing is im­por­tant to you.

If hav­ing the ex­tra time to plan your wed­ding is your pri­or­ity, then keep your orig­i­nal date with the full knowl­edge that it might cost you some guests — by your choice, oh well, mean­ing, at no fault of the peo­ple who get mar­ried in the in­terim. Be­cause blam­ing peo­ple for get­ting on with their lives is not the frame of mind you want to bring to any­thing, much less to a wed­ding, where you es­sen­tially vow be­fore all that you’ll never be “mefirst” again.

Carolyn Hax writes an ad­vice col­umn for the Wash­ing­ton Post

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