Advice, or words a wisecracking old man once said
Wish me a belated happy birthday. On Wednesday, I turned a ripe old 66. Wait, 66 — isn’t that a road? And at what point does “ripe old” become “turned?”
Still, with age comes pearls of wisdom, or at least clumps of cubic zirconia. So as a public service, I thought I’d share some of my favorite life lessons. No need to take notes, though. None of this stuff will make you chairman of the board:
Never take investment advice from a guy driving an ’84 Tercel.
Anybody who approaches you in a grocery store parking lot for money so he can buy gas to get back to Friona probably doesn’t have a car to put the gas in.
Don’t expect much at a barbecue place that cooks with gas.
There are two answers to the question, “Where’s the best place to put the cat box?” 1. There is no good place to put the cat box. 2. Uzbekistan.
Remember that if you keep the weeds in your yard mowed short, it almost looks like a lawn.
No matter how much bigger your paycheck grows, something will come along to eat it up. As soon as your mortgage is paid, your ex will find you and demand child support.
If somebody sends you an e-mail that says, “This is really hilarious,” it’s probably not. If somebody sends you an e-mail that says, “You have to read this,” you probably don’t.
Despite what they say, just because 18-wheelers are parked out front of a diner doesn’t mean the food is good.
Avoid any motel that brags on its sign about the air conditioning.
Anybody who uses the abbreviation LOL for “laugh out loud” is probably lying.
Most of your real friends aren’t your so-called friends on Facebook.
If the doctor says, “This is going to pinch a little,” it’s going to hurt like hammered carp.
“This will just take a minute” means this will take at least five.
Don’t get in a bar fight with a guy known as Psycho.
The best way to get service at a “big box” hardware store is to fake a heart attack.
Avoid shopping where the “sales team” wears matching T-shirts.
Never order the chili in Minnesota, Iowa or Ohio.
Don’t bet against a guy in a beer joint who claims he can balance a chicken egg on the end of his nose, or some such thing. He probably makes a living at it, and keeps a laying chicken in the back of his truck.
Don’t start running when the police show up, because they’ll chase you.
It’s a waste of time to discuss the Canterbury Tales with a man who answers to Roadhog.
Don’t make major decisions based on fortune cookies.
Never shoot pool for money with a guy who brought his own cue.
And, finally, rarely is anything described as “totally awesome” more than mildly amusing.