Ash­ley ties knot with J.P. Sun­day

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Austin American-Statesman - - LIFE & ARTS - Con­tin­ued from D CHRIS LARGE / NBC

a dozen eggs through the check­out lane as one item. You heard me, lady in front of me in the 10 items or less lane.

Thurs­day: “Na­tional Lam­poon’s Christ­mas Va­ca­tion” 6 p.m., ABC Fam­ily: “Can I re­fill your eggnog for you? Get you some­thing to eat? Drive you out to the mid­dle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” The Lam­poon’s ode to im­pos­si­ble hol­i­day ex­pec­ta­tions will be cen­sored to shreds on this chan­nel.

“Glee” 8 p.m., Fox: I’m guess­ing that fans of this show and fans of the Bri­tish rom-com “Love, Ac­tu­ally” have a pretty hefty in­ter­sec­tion, as Venn di­a­grams go. So tonight’s trib­ute episode to that 2003 film ought to make more than a few heads ex­plode (watch out for fly­ing chunks of “vi­sions of sugar plums”).

Fri­day: “Ru­dolph the Red-Nosed Rein­deer” 7 p.m., CBS: Since I’ve writ­ten a de­scrip­tion for this hol­i­day clas­sic about a hun­dred times, it’s time to give a shout out to “Holly, Jolly” snow­man/ nar­ra­tor Burl Ives. De­light­ful!

“Yes, Vir­ginia” 8 p.m., CBS: Jen­nifer Love He­witt lends her voice to this an­i­mated ex­trap­o­la­tion of the fa­mous news­pa­per col­umn.

“The Elf on the Shelf: An Elf ’s Story” 8:30 p.m., CBS: This Christ­mas spe­cial is so much bet­ter than the re­jected “The Elf on the Shelf: A Big Box Store Re­turn Counter Clerk’s Story.”

“Great Per­for­mances” 9 p.m., PBS: Paul McCart­ney, Ringo Starr, Martin Scors­ese and oth­ers roll up for a look back at the Bea­tles’ trippy home-movie-slash-film, “Mag­i­cal Mys­tery Tour.”

“Win­ter in Port­landia” 9:30 p.m., IFC: Sea­son 3 of the hip­ster sketch com­edy se­ries opens as a plethora of Fred Ar­misen and Car­rie Brown­stein’s quirky characters cope with, and ex­ploit, win­ter.

Satur­day: “Elf ” 7 p.m., CBS: Will Fer­rell stars with the charm­ing Zooey Deschanel as a naive, raised-by-elves man-child search­ing for his bio-dad on New York City’s mean streets.

Sun­day: “The Bach­e­lorette: Ash­ley and J.P.’s Wed­ding” 8 p.m., ABC: Fran­chise host Chris Har­ris of­fi­ci­ates the blessed event. Se­ri­ously. I can only as­sume this is ac­tu­ally the pi­lot for a new re­al­ity se­ries and, sorry, my RSVP must have got­ten lost in the mail.

“A Christ­mas Carol” 8:30 p.m., TCM: Alis­tair Sim stars in this clas­sic ver­sion of Charles Dick­ens’ hol­i­day tale of re­demp­tion and for­give­ness.

Michael Bu­ble, Carly Rae Jepsen per­form for the spe­cial “Michael Bu­ble: Home for the Hol­i­days.”

CONTRIBUTED

Dennis Hop­per (left) and Martin Sheen star in “Apoc­a­lypse Now.” The 1979 film will be shown at 7 p.m. Mon­day at the Alamo Ritz.

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