Ashley ties knot with J.P. Sunday
a dozen eggs through the checkout lane as one item. You heard me, lady in front of me in the 10 items or less lane.
Thursday: “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” 6 p.m., ABC Family: “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” The Lampoon’s ode to impossible holiday expectations will be censored to shreds on this channel.
“Glee” 8 p.m., Fox: I’m guessing that fans of this show and fans of the British rom-com “Love, Actually” have a pretty hefty intersection, as Venn diagrams go. So tonight’s tribute episode to that 2003 film ought to make more than a few heads explode (watch out for flying chunks of “visions of sugar plums”).
Friday: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” 7 p.m., CBS: Since I’ve written a description for this holiday classic about a hundred times, it’s time to give a shout out to “Holly, Jolly” snowman/ narrator Burl Ives. Delightful!
“Yes, Virginia” 8 p.m., CBS: Jennifer Love Hewitt lends her voice to this animated extrapolation of the famous newspaper column.
“The Elf on the Shelf: An Elf ’s Story” 8:30 p.m., CBS: This Christmas special is so much better than the rejected “The Elf on the Shelf: A Big Box Store Return Counter Clerk’s Story.”
“Great Performances” 9 p.m., PBS: Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Martin Scorsese and others roll up for a look back at the Beatles’ trippy home-movie-slash-film, “Magical Mystery Tour.”
“Winter in Portlandia” 9:30 p.m., IFC: Season 3 of the hipster sketch comedy series opens as a plethora of Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein’s quirky characters cope with, and exploit, winter.
Saturday: “Elf ” 7 p.m., CBS: Will Ferrell stars with the charming Zooey Deschanel as a naive, raised-by-elves man-child searching for his bio-dad on New York City’s mean streets.
Sunday: “The Bachelorette: Ashley and J.P.’s Wedding” 8 p.m., ABC: Franchise host Chris Harris officiates the blessed event. Seriously. I can only assume this is actually the pilot for a new reality series and, sorry, my RSVP must have gotten lost in the mail.
“A Christmas Carol” 8:30 p.m., TCM: Alistair Sim stars in this classic version of Charles Dickens’ holiday tale of redemption and forgiveness.
Michael Buble, Carly Rae Jepsen perform for the special “Michael Buble: Home for the Holidays.”
Dennis Hopper (left) and Martin Sheen star in “Apocalypse Now.” The 1979 film will be shown at 7 p.m. Monday at the Alamo Ritz.