Cou­ple’s wed­ding can wait un­til fi­ance finds a job

Austin American-Statesman - - THE PLANNER - Jeanne Phillips Dear Abby

Dear Abby: My fi­ance and I have been en­gaged for two years. Our wed­ding is set for a year from now. I’m think­ing about call­ing off our wed­ding, not be­cause I don’t love him, or be­cause I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know I want that. It’s be­cause I’m the only one with a de­cent job. He has a job, but doesn’t earn enough to sup­port us.

I can’t be the only one earn­ing an income. How are we sup­posed to move out of our par­ents’ houses and start a life to­gether if I’m the one do­ing ev­ery­thing? What will hap­pen when things need to start get­ting paid for, and there’s no guar­an­tee he’ll find some­thing? I have talked to him about it, and he’s an­gry. He knows it’s time to change his life around and get serious.

Should I keep the date and keep my fin­gers crossed he’ll find a job by then, or post­pone our wed­ding, which has a venue but noth­ing else planned? I don’t need to get mar­ried anytime soon, and I’d pre­fer to wait un­til he can sup­port him­self and we are in a bet­ter place fi­nan­cially. Then I feel like we could move for­ward. Am I mak­ing the right de­ci­sion? — Cau­tious in New Jer­sey

Dear Cau­tious: Yes, you are. You are think­ing with your head in­stead of be­ing swept away by your emo­tions, and I ap­plaud you for it. I have said for many years that be­fore a woman mar­ries she should be able to sup­port her­self, in case fu­ture cir­cum­stances re­quire it. Well, the same is true for a man.

Dear Abby: Iama gay man. Re­cently, I rekin­dled a re­la­tion­ship I had with a guy I was close with many years ago. We have a lot of the same in­ter­ests.

When he asked what it would take for us to be per­ma­nent, I asked that he stop smok­ing pot. He re­sponded that he does it only “two or three times a year” and that for me to make that re­quest was “con­trol­ling.” I asked him for no other changes.

I hate the smell of smoke, and pot is il­le­gal in our state, so I broke it off be­cause he wouldn’t agree. Did I do the right thing? — Tony in Florida

Dear Tony: Yes, be­cause his re­sponse to your sim­ple re­quest in­di­cates that any ac­com­mo­da­tion you asked of him would likely be met with the same re­ac­tion.

Dear Abby: My 63-yearold hus­band re­fuses to cut his hair. It is gray and thin­ning and is now longer than mine. Even when it’s clean it looks dirty.

I was raised to take pride in my ap­pear­ance. If I say any­thing about it, he thinks it’s funny, or the other ex­treme, that I am pick­ing on him. He’s not a rock star or a young lad. Please help. — Neat and Clean in Cal­i­for­nia

Dear Neat and Clean: I’ll try. Your mis­take is mak­ing his prob­lem (poor groom­ing) your prob­lem. Con­tinue to take pride in your ap­pear­ance, and if he prefers to look like an old hip­pie, let him. Nei­ther you nor I can change him, and be­cause his tresses are thin­ning, the prob­lem may re­solve it­self.

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