Woman’s dan­ger­ous dat­ing habits frighten her friend

Austin American-Statesman - - RELISH AUSTIN - Jeanne Phillips Dear Abby

Dear Abby: I’m wor­ried about a close friend I have known for about 10 years. She’s well-ed­u­cated, in­de­pen­dent and fam­ily-ori­ented. She has been on­line dat­ing for quite a while and con­tin­u­ally meets guys who have crim­i­nal back­grounds.

She dated one of them on the down low for two years be­cause she was em­bar­rassed by how he be­haved in pub­lic. The most re­cent man served a 16-year prison sen­tence for be­ing in­volved in a mur­der.

She tells me she doesn’t see a fu­ture with any of them, but goes on mul­ti­ple dates and de­fends them with, “He seems like a nice guy.” In the next breath, she’ll claim to want a steady and mean­ing­ful re­la­tion­ship.

I have voiced my concerns. I asked her what she’d say to me if the ta­bles were turned, and her re­sponses mimic the con­cern I show her. I sug­gested she try a dif­fer­ent web­site or mode of meeting po­ten­tial part­ners, but it hasn’t made a dif­fer­ence.

I be­lieve in sec­ond chances up to a point, but now I’m gen­uinely wor­ried for her safety. Is there anything else I can do to con­vince her to have safer bound­aries? — Con­cerned About Crim­i­nals

Dear Con­cerned: No, you have done enough.

Dear Abby: Is it nor­mal for men to sulk or get an­gry when they don’t get sex when they want it? I’ve been mar­ried to my hus­band for more than 30 years. I run sev­eral miles a day and, with all the work I do, I don’t al­ways feel like hav­ing sex. Lately, I have been un­der a lot of stress, so I haven’t been in the mood.

The other night, he did his usual sulk­ing. Then, as he of­ten does, he tossed about in bed, re­peat­edly and roughly, while we’re try­ing to sleep. The whole bed shook. An­other night, he stuck his el­bow in my ribs to be sure he got my at­ten­tion.

Some­times he’ll grab my butt re­ally hard while I’m try­ing to sleep — in the mid­dle of the night, mind you. I end up hav­ing sex with him so he leaves me alone and I can sleep.

I have tried sleep­ing in an­other bed. But then he comes to that room and re­peat­edly kicks the mat­tress. If I lock the door, he kicks the door. So, I have sex with him so I can live in peace. Do most men do this when they don’t get sex as of­ten as they like? — Spouse Sulk­ing in the North

Dear Spouse: You have tol­er­ated this for 30 years? What you have de­scribed is spousal abuse. Most men do not be­have the way your hus­band does, bul­ly­ing and co­erc­ing their wives into mar­i­tal re­la­tions. Please discuss this with a li­censed men­tal health pro­fes­sional. His be­hav­ior is off the charts, and you need more help than I can give you in a let­ter.

Dear Abby: I have a ques­tion. If you are trav­el­ing with a group of friends on a plane, is it rude for one cou­ple to up­grade to first class? This was a group trip trav­el­ing to go on a cruise to­gether. — Just Won­der­ing in Florida

Dear Just Won­der­ing: I wouldn’t call it a breach of eti­quette. How­ever, it’s less than an ex­pres­sion of sol­i­dar­ity with the friends who are sit­ting in the back. Per­son­ally, I think it sends a wrong mes­sage and could cause re­sent­ment un­less there’s a prac­ti­cal rea­son the cou­ple needs the extra space — long legs, a bad back, a weight prob­lem, etc.

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