Tall Tale—You Can’t Miss It
I just happen to know how to get there, so I’ll give ya’ directions!
First, ya gotta turn around. Yer headed in the wrong direction and gone quite a ways away from where you’re supposed to be. Once you’ve got turned around, you’ll go about ten miles or so down this paved road, then somewhere after milemarker 64 or 65 you’ll see a yellow gate on the right.
Whatever you do, don’t go through that gate! You’ll pass that yellow gate and keep going, but slow down ‘cause you’ll have to turn left real sudden at a dirt road that ain’t marked. There’re several dirt roads on the left and I’m pretty sure you want the first or the second one.
Now, you won’t know if you’re on the right unmarked dirt road until you’ve gone down it a bit. If you see a cow skull on the right after a few miles, then you took the wrong road. If you don’t see a cow skull after a few miles, then you picked the right road.
After a half hour or so you’ll see a fork. Be sure to turn left at that fork. Now, don’t be fooled and turn left too early, ‘cause there’s a driveway that looks just like a fork a few miles ahead of the actual fork. Don’t turn on that driveway! There’s a crazy man who lives there and he’ll shoot your car full of buckshot if you get anywhere near his place.
The way you can tell if it’s the driveway or the fork is the depth of the ruts. The ruts are real deep at the fork and not so deep at the driveway.
After a few minutes you’ll drive right past the old Hathaway place, which ain’t there no more ‘cause it burned down after a lightning strike back in the 70’s. Near as I can tell some squatters managed to get the old well on the property workin’ again, but the old stock tank leaks and has turned the road into a huge mud pit.
If you don’t see a mud pit, then either someone has patched the tank or the well’s run dry, or someone moved the cow skull from earlier in my directions and you took the wrong dirt road in the first place.
Now, I noticed you’re driving a fancy new four-wheel drive truck there. That won’t do you no good. Four-wheel drive really only means two wheel drive. You’ll need positive traction, caterpillar treads, or a lot of prayer to get you across that caliche clay. It’s slicker than cow snot yet somehow stickier than hot tar.
My advice is to get up a good head of steam and hope your momentum will carry you across. You might want to consider loading the bed of yer truck full of big rocks for maximum momentum and traction. I’ll tell you right now, your wheels will spin and you can steer all you want but you’ll go somewhere other than the direction your truck is pointin’. If ya get stuck in that mud don’t get out of yer truck! You’ll sink in and won’t be able to get out. It’ll pull yer boots right of your feet! And, since there ain’t no cell coverage out there, there’ll be no way to call for help.
A friend of mine once got himself unstuck from the mud by swinging around a burlap sack of fish he’d caught at Quemado Lake. He spun it around over his head until the smell lured mountain lion to come looking for a fresh fish dinner. He tied a rope from his truck to the sack and threw the sack at the lion. The lion grabbed that sack of fish and pulled his truck right out of the mud! That won’t work for you, though, ‘cause I can tell from the lack of smell you don’t have a sack of fish in yer