Tall Tale—You Can’t Miss It

Catron Courier - - Opinions & Editorials -

I just hap­pen to know how to get there, so I’ll give ya’ di­rec­tions!

First, ya gotta turn around. Yer headed in the wrong di­rec­tion and gone quite a ways away from where you’re sup­posed to be. Once you’ve got turned around, you’ll go about ten miles or so down this paved road, then some­where af­ter mile­marker 64 or 65 you’ll see a yel­low gate on the right.

What­ever you do, don’t go through that gate! You’ll pass that yel­low gate and keep go­ing, but slow down ‘cause you’ll have to turn left real sud­den at a dirt road that ain’t marked. There’re sev­eral dirt roads on the left and I’m pretty sure you want the first or the sec­ond one.

Now, you won’t know if you’re on the right un­marked dirt road un­til you’ve gone down it a bit. If you see a cow skull on the right af­ter a few miles, then you took the wrong road. If you don’t see a cow skull af­ter a few miles, then you picked the right road.

Af­ter a half hour or so you’ll see a fork. Be sure to turn left at that fork. Now, don’t be fooled and turn left too early, ‘cause there’s a drive­way that looks just like a fork a few miles ahead of the ac­tual fork. Don’t turn on that drive­way! There’s a crazy man who lives there and he’ll shoot your car full of buck­shot if you get any­where near his place.

The way you can tell if it’s the drive­way or the fork is the depth of the ruts. The ruts are real deep at the fork and not so deep at the drive­way.

Af­ter a few min­utes you’ll drive right past the old Hathaway place, which ain’t there no more ‘cause it burned down af­ter a light­ning strike back in the 70’s. Near as I can tell some squat­ters man­aged to get the old well on the prop­erty workin’ again, but the old stock tank leaks and has turned the road into a huge mud pit.

If you don’t see a mud pit, then ei­ther some­one has patched the tank or the well’s run dry, or some­one moved the cow skull from ear­lier in my di­rec­tions and you took the wrong dirt road in the first place.

Now, I no­ticed you’re driv­ing a fancy new four-wheel drive truck there. That won’t do you no good. Four-wheel drive re­ally only means two wheel drive. You’ll need pos­i­tive trac­tion, cater­pil­lar treads, or a lot of prayer to get you across that caliche clay. It’s slicker than cow snot yet some­how stick­ier than hot tar.

My ad­vice is to get up a good head of steam and hope your mo­men­tum will carry you across. You might want to con­sider load­ing the bed of yer truck full of big rocks for max­i­mum mo­men­tum and trac­tion. I’ll tell you right now, your wheels will spin and you can steer all you want but you’ll go some­where other than the di­rec­tion your truck is pointin’. If ya get stuck in that mud don’t get out of yer truck! You’ll sink in and won’t be able to get out. It’ll pull yer boots right of your feet! And, since there ain’t no cell cov­er­age out there, there’ll be no way to call for help.

A friend of mine once got him­self un­stuck from the mud by swing­ing around a burlap sack of fish he’d caught at Que­mado Lake. He spun it around over his head un­til the smell lured moun­tain lion to come look­ing for a fresh fish din­ner. He tied a rope from his truck to the sack and threw the sack at the lion. The lion grabbed that sack of fish and pulled his truck right out of the mud! That won’t work for you, though, ‘cause I can tell from the lack of smell you don’t have a sack of fish in yer

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