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Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - WHERE TO DINE -

Deep thoughts from a cyn­i­cal philoso­pher:

I read that 4,153,237 peo­ple got mar­ried last year. Not to cause any trou­ble, but shouldn’t that be an even num­ber?

I find it ironic that the col­ors red, white and blue stand for free­dom un­til they are flash­ing be­hind you.

Re­la­tion­ships are a lot like al­ge­bra. Have you ever looked at your X and won­dered Y?

Amer­ica is a coun­try that pro­duces cit­i­zens who will cross the ocean to fight for democ­racy but won’t cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly lit­tle feel­ing you get when you like some­one? That’s your com­mon sense leav­ing your body.

Did you know that dol­phins are so smart that within a few weeks of cap­tiv­ity, they can train peo­ple to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My ther­a­pist says I have a pre­oc­cu­pa­tion with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neigh­bor is stalk­ing me as she’s been Googling my name on her com­puter. I saw it through my tele­scope last night.

Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye.

You’re not over­weight. You’re just eas­ier to see.

If you think no­body cares whether you’re alive, try miss­ing a cou­ple of pay­ments.

I al­ways won­dered what the job ap­pli­ca­tion is like at Hoot­ers. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t un­der­stand why women are OK that JC Pen­ney has an older women’s cloth­ing line named Sag Har­bor.

My ther­a­pist said that my nar­cis­sism causes me to mis­read so­cial sit­u­a­tions. I’m pretty sure she was hit­ting on me.

My 60- year kin­der­garten re­union is com­ing up soon, and I’m wor­ried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slo­gan, “If it’s your birth­day, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birth­day, your life is sad.

The phar­ma­cist asked me my birth date again to­day. I’m pretty

sure she’s going to get me some­thing. The lo­ca­tion of your mail­box shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe be­fore you start look­ing like a men­tal pa­tient. I think it’s pretty cool how Chi­nese peo­ple made a lan­guage en­tirely out of tat­toos. Money can’t buy hap­pi­ness, but it keeps the kids in touch! The rea­son May­berry was so peace­ful and quiet was be­cause no­body was mar­ried. Andy, Aunt Bea, Bar­ney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, He­len, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all sin­gle. The only mar­ried per­son was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Lisa Den­ton

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