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Current events

- From www.newsmax.com: Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submission­s and websites. Origins are included when known.

Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch — nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.” — Jimmy Fallon

To raise money for Puerto Rico, celebritie­s have been posting pictures online of themselves from puberty. However, after one look at mine, Puerto Rico said, “Haven’t we been through enough?” — Conan O’Brien

Scientists have figured out how to generate electricit­y from tears. In fact, they say that soon, 10 percent of our renewable energy will come from people watching “This Is Us.” — Conan O’Brien

There’s talk of including video gamers in future Olympics. Olympic gamers would be treated like all other athletes, except they’d be tested for “performanc­e-enhancing ramen.” — Conan O’Brien

There’s a rumor that the Lakers are trying to sign LeBron James. They’re telling him, “The weather in L.A. is great, plus as a Laker, you get the entire playoff season off.” — Conan O’Brien

This is a real product: Spanx arm tights. You might be familiar with their other name, which is sleeves. Spanx is always coming out with new and exciting body parts for women to feel ashamed of. — Jimmy Kimmel

Former boxing champion George Foreman has challenged former action star Steven Seagal to fight him in the ring. And the winner will be our next president. — Conan O’Brien

In France, someone has installed the first ever “Raw Oyster Vending Machine.” It’s being called innovative by seafood lovers and the best idea ever by bacteria. — Conan O’Brien

O.J. Simpson said that during the nine years he’s been in prison, he hasn’t really changed at all. Then his parole officer said, “Ohhhkay — I guess you’re going back to prison.” — Jimmy Fallon

Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you. — Jimmy Fallon

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