Late Night Laughs: State of the Union

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES -

Don­ald Trump is right now gear­ing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s to­mor­row night. State of the Union is the one day of the year pres­i­dents are sup­posed to brag about their ac­com­plish­ments. So he’s been train­ing for this re­ally for his whole life. — Jimmy Kim­mel

I heard that Supreme Court Jus­tice Ruth Bader Gins­burg will not be at the State of the Union, be­cause of a pre­vi­ous com­mit­ment. When asked what she had to do, she said, “Oh, I just don’t want to be there.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

Pres­i­dent Trump gave his State of the Union ad­dress, and as per tra­di­tion, some­one who op­poses the pres­i­dent gave the re­but­tal. So, this year’s re­but­tal was given by Me­la­nia. — Co­nan O’Brien

Trump said he now supports a plan for young im­mi­grants to be­come cit­i­zens. When asked why, Trump said, “Be­cause I may have to look for a new wife soon.” — Co­nan O’Brien

But ex­perts said it was a very his­toric State of the Union. You know, be­cause it marked the first time since tak­ing of­fice that Trump went a full hour with­out tweet­ing. — Jimmy Fal­lon

In his speech last night, Pres­i­dent Trump said, let us “set aside our dif­fer­ences and seek com­mon ground.” Trump said this be­cause like any good speaker, he al­ways opens with a joke. — Co­nan O’Brien

Here’s one un­usual thing we found out right be­fore the speech – the first lady trav­eled to the speech in a sep­a­rate car. I guess Me­la­nia didn’t want any­thing from the Burger King drive-through. — Stephen Col­bert

Tick­ets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted af­ter they orig­i­nally said State of the “Uniom.” Even the guy who sent out that false mis­sile alert in Hawaii was like, “How do you mess that up?” — Jimmy Fal­lon

Af­ter Trump’s speech, Mas­sachusetts Con­gress­man Joe Kennedy be­came one of the youngest peo­ple to give the Demo­cratic re­sponse. And you could tell he was young when all he said was, “He cray.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

Af­ter Trump’s ad­dress, the Demo­cratic re­but­tal was given by Con­gress­man Joe Kennedy. And this is how out of touch they are in the Demo­cratic Party. They are like, “Peo­ple are tired of the same old politi­cians. We need to give them some­one new. Here’s a Kennedy.” — James Cor­den

Kennedy gave his speech live from a high school shop class with a Mus­tang be­hind him with the hood open, be­cause noth­ing says you are go­ing to get this econ­omy rolling like the vis­ual of a bro­ken- down car. — James Cor­den

Some more news out of Wash­ing­ton. The gov­ern­ment is spend­ing $24 mil­lion to re­place two re­frig­er­a­tors on Air Force One. Un­til then, they’re keep­ing per­ish­ables cold by putting them be­tween Don­ald and Me­la­nia. — Jimmy Fal­lon Source: www. news­max. com

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