Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Laugh Lines is compiled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

O Canada

Long ago, when Canada was be­ing set­tled by Euro­pean ex­plor­ers, they re­al­ized they needed one name to call their great land. But no one could agree. So they put let­ters into a hat and asked a man to reach into the hat, pull out three let­ters and read them aloud. The draw went like this: “C, eh?” “N, eh?” “D, eh?” And that’s how Canada got its name.

And one for dad

Q: When does a joke be­come a dad joke?

A: When it be­comes ap­par­ent.

Slow to anger

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.

A year later, the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.

The snail says, “What was that all about?”

Bike wreck

A lit­tle boy out rid­ing his bi­cy­cle knocked down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted her­self off, then turned to the lit­tle boy and said, ‘Don’t you know how to ride a bike?’

“Yes,” he an­swered, “but I don’t know how to ring the bell yet.”


Q: Did you hear about the rob­bery at the Ap­ple store?

A: Po­lice are look­ing for iWit­nesses.

Q: What is Beethoven’s fa­vorite fruit? A: Ba-na-na-naaa. Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?

A: Mus­tard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog. Q: How do snails fight?

A: They slug it out.

Q: What’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween a well­dressed man on a uni­cy­cle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? A: At­tire. Q: What do you call some­one who points out the ob­vi­ous?

A: Some­one who points out the ob­vi­ous.

Q: How many ears does Spock have?

A: Three. The left ear, the right ear and the fi­nal front ear.

Q: How do you catch a bra? A: With a booby trap. Q: What’s the award for be­ing the best den­tist? A: A lit­tle plaque. Q: Why do teenagers walk in groups of three?

A: Be­cause they can’t even.

Cur­rent events

From­ ›

The Supreme Court ruled that a baker in Colorado can refuse to make a wed­ding cake for a same- sex cou­ple on re­li­gious grounds. Ladies and gen­tle­men, in my opin­ion, if there’s any­thing Amer­ica is not go­ing to stand for, it’s less cake. — Co­nan O’Brien ›

The Tony Awards was last night — or as I call it, the Su­per Bowl — and it was ab­so­lutely won­der­ful. The mo­ment ev­ery­one was buzzing about was when Robert De Niro had to be cen­sored for say­ing on­stage “[ex­ple­tive] Trump.” And to­day, an­gry Trump sup­port­ers ev­ery­where are pre­tend­ing that they ac­tu­ally watch the Tony Awards. — James Cor­den ›

Af­ter IHOP an­nounced they would be chang­ing their name to IHOb with a “b,” the com­pany re­vealed to­day with great fan­fare that the “b” stands for “burg­ers.” This is ex­cel­lent news, be­cause since I moved to Amer­ica, I’ve been ask­ing my­self, “Where can I find a burger? I’ve looked high and low, and you just can’t find one here.” — James Cor­den ›

It is “Jurassic World” week here at the show. “Jurassic World” is a movie about wild crea­tures trapped on an is­land. Or as Sin­ga­pore calls that, “A lit­tle too close to home.” — Jimmy Fal­lon ›

Many fans have started an on­line pe­ti­tion urg­ing ABC to con­tinue the show “Roseanne” with­out Roseanne. In a re­lated story, Andy [Richter] has started a sim­i­lar pe­ti­tion about the show “Co­nan.” — Co­nan O’Brien ›

Did you see the game last night, game 2 of the NBA fi­nals? The Golden State War­riors beat up on the Cleve­land Cava­liers. Not a pretty sight. Steph Curry set an all-time fi­nals record with nine 3-point­ers. Two of them he shot from the park­ing lot as he was get­ting in his car. — Jimmy Kim­mel ›

Once the NBA sea­son is over, our lonely na­tion turns its eyes to a oneon-one bas­ket­ball game be­tween me and Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas. The back story, in case you don’t know: Ted was un­happy that I com­pared him to a blob­fish — even though, in fair­ness to me, he looks just like one. He should be an­gry at his par­ents. So he chal­lenged me to a game, and I ac­cepted his challenge. But I pointed out that af­ter los­ing the elec­tion to a re­al­ity-show host, maybe it wouldn’t be a great idea to lose a bas­ket­ball game to a talk-show host. — Jimmy Kim­mel ›

A new restau­rant has opened in Bos­ton where all the food is cooked by ro­bots. The restau­rant was started by a group of en­gi­neers from the Mas­sachusetts In­sti­tute of Tech­nol­ogy. A ro­bot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn’t this just a mi­crowave? I’m pretty sure I had a ro­bot make me a frozen bur­rito last night. — James Cor­den

It’s a lit­tle dif­fer­ent than hav­ing a hu­man cook­ing staff. In­stead of find­ing a hair in your food, you’ll find a USB ca­ble. — James Cor­den ›

A plane in Hol­land was forced to make an emer­gency land­ing af­ter a pas­sen­ger’s body odor was so bad that it caused oth­ers to vomit and faint. You know it’s bad when peo­ple are go­ing into the air­plane bath­room for some fresh air. — James Cor­den

Lisa Den­ton

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