Late Night Laughs: Po­lit­i­cal Buzz

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Source: www. news­max. com

Ben & Jerry’s just an­nounced that they are go­ing to be sup­port­ing seven pro­gres­sive con­gres­sional can­di­dates by pro­mot­ing them with their own fla­vors of ice cream. … In the in­ter­est of fair­ness and equal time, Ben & Jerry’s is also com­ing out with fla­vors for some con­ser­va­tive politi­cians. Here’s the one they made for House Speaker Paul Ryan: Vanilla. And Sen. Mitch McCon­nell: They went with Vanilla. And Vice Pres­i­dent Mike Pence got Blind­ing White Vanilla — now with ex­tra vanilla. — James Cor­den

The Se­cret Ser­vice this week un­veiled the first up­date to the pres­i­den­tial limo since 2009. It is filled with a wide range of med­i­cal sup­plies, in­clud­ing a re­frig­er­a­tor full of Pres­i­dent Trump’s blood type, which I as­sume is “chunky-style.” — Seth Mey­ers

Pres­i­dent Trump has a brand new tech­no­log­i­cally up­graded pres­i­den­tial li­mou­sine. It’s sup­posed to be very fancy. And the lat­est with all the tech­nol­ogy. For Trump’s pro­tec­tion, the limo comes with bul­let­proof win­dows and no Twit­ter. — Co­nan O’Brien

Trump just got a new $ 1.5 mil­lion limo. It fires tear gas, has night vi­sion and can lay down an oil slick to make any­one chas­ing it spin out of con­trol. Even cra­zier, Me­la­nia’s bed­room door does the ex­act same thing. — Jimmy Fal­lon

The Se­cret Ser­vice’s new pres­i­den­tial limo cost $ 1.5 mil­lion and re­port­edly in­cludes fea­tures such as the abil­ity to elec­trify door han­dles to shock any­one try­ing to get in­side. “What if you’re try­ing to get out?” asked one woman [photo of Me­la­nia Trump]. — Seth Mey­ers

I read that Joe Bi­den will de­cide whether he’s run­ning for pres­i­dent in 2020 by this Jan­uary. He’s gonna take a coin and say, “Heads, I run. Tails, I flip again un­til I get heads.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

Repub­li­can of­fi­cials are wor­ried that Ted Cruz will lose his re- elec­tion cam­paign be­cause he’s not lik­able enough — es­pe­cially com­pared to his op­po­nent, Beto O’Rourke. And they might be right about his lik­a­bil­ity. Look at the way both can­di­dates an­swer some ba­sic ques­tions. When asked, “What do you like to do in your spare time?” O’Rourke said, “Play gui­tar.” Ted Cruz said, “Or­ga­nize my doc­u­ments.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

When asked, “What is your plan if you don’t win the elec­tion?” O’Rourke said, “Spend time with my fam­ily and keep fight­ing for what’s right.” Ted Cruz said, “Or­ga­nize my doc­u­ments.” — Jimmy Fal­lon

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