Late Night Laughs: Po­lit­i­cal Buzz

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES -

› Pres­i­dent Trump told re­porters to­day that he gets along well with Se­na­tor Ted Cruz, say­ing, quote, “He’s not Lyin’ Ted any­more; he’s Beau­ti­ful Ted.” Dude, if that’s Beau­ti­ful Ted, then you’re Lyin’ Don­ald. — Seth Mey­ers

› That had to be the sad­dest phone call [for Trump’s en­dorse­ment] Ted Cruz ever had to make. I mean, imag­ine if your neigh­bor in­sulted your wife’s face, and then you had to ask him to loan you a weed whacker. That’s Ted Cruz’s life right now. — Jimmy Kim­mel

› Turnout is ex­pected to be the high­est for a midterm since 1966. They project a turnout of 45 to 50 per­cent — which — is that good? How are more than 50 per­cent of peo­ple still not vot­ing? Are they like, “Man, looks like this race is go­ing to be close, and I do not want to be the one who de­cides it.” — Jimmy Kim­mel

› Re­mem­ber some­thing: If you don’t vote, it means Rus­sia did all that work on this elec­tion for nyet. — Jimmy Kim­mel

› Ap­par­ently, ear­lier to­day [White House Chief of Staff John] Kelly and [na­tional se­cu­rity ad­viser John] Bolton “en­gaged in a pro­fan­ity- laced ar­gu­ment out­side the Oval Of­fice.” Well, it’s good they didn’t do it in­side the of­fice. That is re­served for the sa­cred pres­i­den­tial duty of tweet­ing about porn stars be­ing “Horse­faces.” — Stephen Col­bert

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