Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES - Laugh Lines is com­piled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

Get ready

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bee. Bee who? Bee-ware, Hal­loween is com­ing!

Scary vi­sions

A man goes to the doc­tor and says, “I keep see­ing a were­wolf, with big sharp teeth.”

The doc­tor asks, “Have you seen a psy­chi­a­trist?”

The man says, “No, just a were­wolf.”

Oh, that witch

Joe says: Last Hal­loween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the win­dow and then shouted up­stairs to my wife, “Honey t here’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spo­ken to me since.

Re­grets

I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

Just you wait

A young boy knocked on his neigh­bor’s door on Hal­loween night and said, “Trick or treat?”

The neigh­bor looked him over and asked, “What have you come as?” He said, “A were­wolf.” The neigh­bor said, “But you’re not wear­ing a cos­tume. You’ve just got your nor­mal clothes on.”

The boy said, “Yeah, well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”

Ghostly en­counter

A pho­tog­ra­pher goes to a haunted cas­tle de­ter­mined to get a pic­ture of a ghost on Hal­loween. The ghost he en­coun­ters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snap­shot.

The happy pho­tog­ra­pher later down­loads his pho­tos and finds that the pho­tos are un­der­ex­posed and com­pletely blank.

The moral of the story: The spirit is will­ing, but the flash is weak.

Wrong turn

A vam­pire bat came flap­ping in from the night cov­ered in fresh blood and parked him­self on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and be­gan has­sling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they per­sisted un­til fi­nally he gave in.

“OK, fol­low me” he said and flew out of the cave with hun­dreds of bats be­hind him.

Down through the val­ley they went, across a river and into a for­est full of trees.

Fi­nally he slowed down, and all the other bats ex­cit­edly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the bat, “Be­cause I sure didn’t!”

Hal­loween read­ing

A selec­tion of po­ten­tially spooky ti­tles from BoysLife. org: › “All That’s Left of Me” by Myra Maines › “Blood Ves­sels” by A. Orta › “All About Ghosts” by R.U. Scared › “Hor­ror Sto­ries” by Ima Fraid › “Knives” by Sue Per­sharp › “Be­ing a Ninja” by Sam R. Eye › “Ghost Hunt­ing” by E. Gadd › “Did a Vam­pire Bite Me?” by Chick Yer­neck › “Fly­ing Beasts” by Tara Dac­tull › “Gi­ant Snakes” by Anna Conda › “Young Were­wolves” by Harry Kidd › “Pitch Black” by I.C. Noth­ing › “The Gravedig­ger’s Hand­book” by Barry M. Deep

Grave­yard scare

Two men walk­ing home af­ter a Hal­loween party de­cide to take a short­cut through the ceme­tery just for laughs. Right in the mid­dle of the ceme­tery they are star­tled by a tap-tap-tap­ping noise com­ing from the misty shad­ows.

Trem­bling with fear, they find an old man with a ham­mer and chisel, chip­ping away at one of the head­stones.

“Holy cow, Mis­ter,” one of them says af­ter catch­ing his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you do­ing work­ing here so late at night?”

“Those id­iots!” the old man grum­bles. “They mis­spelled my name!”

Party eti­quette

Two mon­sters are at a Hal­loween party when one says to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

The sec­ond mon­ster says, “Be a gen­tle­man and roll them back to her.”

Quick­ies

Q: What do you do when 50 zom­bies sur­round your house? A: Hope it’s Hal­loween. Q: What do you call a fat Jack-o’-lantern? A: A plump­kin. Q: What runs around a ceme­tery but doesn’t move? A: The fence. Q: Why is Drac­ula so un­pop­u­lar?

A: He’s a pain in the neck.

Q: What do mon­key ghosts like to eat? A: Boo­nanas. Q: What plants like Hal­loween the most? A: Bam-BOO! Q: Which part of the street do vam­pires live on? A: The dead end. Q: Why do vam­pires need mouth­wash?

A: They have bat breath. Q: What’s a vam­pire’s fa­vorite fruit? A: Neck­tarines. Q: What do you get when you cross a vam­pire with a cow?

A: A ham­burger that bites back.

Q: How do you make a witch itch? A: Take away her w. Q: What hap­pened to the naughty witch at school? A: She was ex-spelled. Q: What do witches do when they’re tired? A: Sit down for a spell. Q: Why do witches wear name tags?

A: So you can tell which witch is which.

Lisa Den­ton

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