On a date, widow tells me, ‘No man will ever share my bed’

Chicago Sun-Times - - ENTERTAINM­ENT - Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069.

Dear Abby: I am a sin­gle man who re­cently met a widow who is nine years older. We con­nected via an on­line dat­ing site.

At the end of our three-hour con­ver­sa­tion, she said, “No man will ever share my bed.” This is be­cause of her sec­ond hus­band, who died six years ago. She said if a man shared her bed, she felt it would be cheat­ing on her late hus­band.

When she said it, I was sur­prised and shocked. I hadn’t asked her if she would share my (or another man’s) bed. What are your thoughts on this, and do a lot of wid­ows ad­here to this prac­tice? Should this be con­sid­ered a deal-breaker in a po­ten­tial re­la­tion­ship? And would re­plac­ing the bed with a new one help? Sleep­less in San Diego

Dear Sleep­less: Some wid­ows — and wid­ow­ers — be­come celi­bate af­ter the death of their spouse. A phrase I have heard used is, “I’ve had the best, and no one can ever re­place _______.” I also know women and men who, af­ter their grief has less­ened, have gone on to have happy, suc­cess­ful sec­ond or third mar­riages.

What the woman you were talk­ing with was do­ing was erad­i­cat­ing any ex­pec­ta­tion you might have had about a sex­ual re­la­tion­ship with her. She should have spec­i­fied on her pro­file that sex was off the ta­ble. Be glad she was hon­est.

This would be a deal-breaker for any man who is in­ter­ested in main­tain­ing his sex life. While re­plac­ing her mat­tress might have been a help­ful sug­ges­tion, I doubt she would have been re­cep­tive. Ac­cord­ing to the mail I re­ceive, amorous cou­ples make love in many places be­sides the bed­room.

Dear Abby: My daugh­ter, the old­est of four chil­dren, and I had a fall­ing-out be­cause I paid for her education but she couldn’t be thank­ful. She was very en­ti­tled as a child, but it was im­por­tant to me that she grad­u­ated. She’s a school­teacher now.

When she asked me to pay for her wed­ding, I said, “Will you be thank­ful this time?” She stomped out and said, “I’ll do it my­self!” I learned to­day that she went gown shop­ping with my mom and her fi­ance’s mother and ex­cluded me. I am so an­gry, hurt and sad that I don’t even want to go to the wed­ding any­more. I could use some ad­vice here. Sad in Arkansas

Dear Sad: I’m sur­prised you had to de­mand grat­i­tude from your daugh­ter. She may have not learned ap­pre­ci­a­tion be­cause she was al­ways handed ev­ery­thing she wanted, so now she ex­pects your role in her life to con­tinue on that path. That she went gown shop­ping with­out invit­ing you was her way of pun­ish­ing you for not fork­ing over the money for her wed­ding. (I won­der if your mother and her fi­ance’s mother are con­tribut­ing.)

I do not think you should skip her wed­ding, re­gard­less of how tempted you may be. That said, it is im­por­tant you re­al­ize a pat­tern has been es­tab­lished in your re­la­tion­ship with your daugh­ter, and she may use your grand­chil­dren as pawns to ma­nip­u­late you, so be pre­pared. What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and get­ting along with peers and par­ents is in “What Ev­ery Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mail­ing ad­dress, plus check or money or­der for $8, to: Dear Abby, Teen Book­let, P.O. Box 447, Mount Mor­ris, IL 61054-0447. (Ship­ping and han­dling are in­cluded in the price.)


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