Snoop­ing and trust

Daily Freeman (Kingston, NY) - - YOUR DAILY BREAK - An­nie Lane

Why do women think it’s OK to snoop through boyfriends’ phones or so­cial me­dia? It’s such an in­va­sion of pri­vacy.

For back­ground: I’m a guy in my late 20s. I’m trust­wor­thy (I think). I’ve never cheated on a girl­friend. Yet a few women I’ve dated over the past few years have snooped. One read my emails when I left my­self logged in on her com­puter. (I found out be­cause a few emails were mys­te­ri­ously al­ready marked as read. Not great at cov­er­ing her tracks.) The other didn’t ex­actly snoop, but I no­ticed when she was show­ing me some­thing on her phone that she had been Googling my ex-girl­friend’s name. I took both those things as red flags. I want to date some­one who is se­cure enough not to be jeal­ous or sus­pi­cious.

I was talk­ing to a group of my fe­male friends about this, and all ex­cept one ad­mit­ted that they’ve snooped, too. Most said they know it’s bad, but one girl de­fended it: “If he’s got noth­ing to hide, what’s the big deal? And if he is mess­ing around, I’d rather know so I can move on.” Isn’t that sad?

I guess I’m just vent­ing at this point, but I would love to hear your take on this one.

— Dis­ap­pointed Dude My take is the same as yours. Trust is the foun­da­tion of a good re­la­tion­ship. If you feel that you can’t trust your part­ner, to the point that you’ll in­vade his or her pri­vacy, then what’s the point? There is no love with­out trust. Have faith in your re­la­tion­ship, and it will flour­ish or not, but at least you’ll have given your­self wholly to it. I hope the next woman you date un­der­stands this.

I need some guid­ance. I’m new to the dat­ing scene af­ter my very long-term re­la­tion­ship fell apart ear­lier this year. I feel like a new­bie. What’s nor­mal? I haven’t dated in al­most 10 years. Back when I was on the scene be­fore, peo­ple weren’t all meet­ing each other through apps. That whole prospect scares me, so I’ve been try­ing to meet guys the old-fash­ioned way so far.

Any­way, I’ve been see­ing this guy for a lit­tle over a month, but we’ve only gone on four dates. Is that av­er­age, or is he not in­ter­ested? My most re­cent boyfriend and I lived to­gether for sev­eral years, so I’m used to hang­ing out al­most ev­ery day. I find my­self want­ing to text or call this guy through­out the week. I don’t want to suf­fo­cate him, but if he’s not re­ally into me, I’d like to find out so I can move on.

— Anx­ious

If you feel that you can’t trust your part­ner, to the point that you’ll in­vade his or her pri­vacy, then what’s the point? There is no love with­out trust. Have faith in your re­la­tion­ship, and it will flour­ish or not, but at least you’ll have given your­self wholly to it. I hope the next woman you date un­der­stands this.

I know it’s eas­ier said than done, but for goodness’ sake, re­lax. Go­ing out once a week is nor­mal. En­joy the slow pace, and fo­cus on your­self. If love is go­ing to kin­dle be­tween you two, it will need oxy­gen.

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