Bright side of Trump victory
Well, that happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wakeup call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. It was the new shot heard round the world.
Planetwide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief, but it’s going to take a while, because right now they’re stuck on denial.
The streets of Hollywood are flooded with the salty tears of distraught baby movie stars who don’t know whether to follow through on their threat to move to Canada or pay someone to do it for them. It’s mourning in America.
MSNBC’s anchors reacted like they were told their children had been burned beyond recognition in a meth lab explosion. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom. Over at Fox News they were bouncing up and down in their chairs like third-graders on Santa’s lap. Most of the chairs appeared to have been soiled.
The president-elect received congratulatory calls from Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, David Duke, Jean Marie Le Pen, Nigel Farage and the ghost of Caligula. Meanwhile, Democratic congressmen clung to the faint hope that he’ll be better than the rest of the world fears. “No way he’s going to be another Hitler. Mussolini, maybe.”
But in America, we are famous for making lemonade out of lemons and totally overlooking the possible positives of Donald J. Trump becoming our 45th president. Here’s a few to buck up your spirits:
• Congressional Medal of Honor Winner Rudy Giuliani.
• The Alec Baldwin Full Employment Act.
• Trump supporters once again have other uses for that collection of white sheets gathering dust in the back of the closet.
• Teenage boys will collect photos of the first lady. To be viewed under a blanket, with a flashlight, one-handed.
• Book burnings poised to make a big comeback.
• After handing over the nuclear codes to a temperamental real estate developer, our personal problems pale in comparison.
• California Secession Movement picking up steam.
• George W. Bush moves up a notch on presidential historical rankings list.
• Kids taught that lies and fear are effective tools. Helps prepare them for the business world.
• First president with a combover.
• Nobody allowed to chastise me for making politically insensitive jokes about the president-elect. Ever.
• Civil War buffs have new intranational clash to study. Where one side has all the guns and the other all the lesbians.
• With Trump following Obama in the White House, Orange really is the new Black.
• And finally, at least for a couple of months, you will be forgiven for developing a drinking problem. During the day. At your job. As a grade school teacher.