Here’s 20 things Phil Mur­phy needs to learn about New Jersey

Daily Local News (West Chester, PA) - - SUNDAY SELECT -

Our next gov­er­nor, Phil Mur­phy… ac­tu­ally, at this point, it all de­serves cap­i­tal­iza­tion: Our Next Gov­er­nor Phil Mur­phy.

Be­cause re­ally, un­less the Repub­li­cans find out Mur­phy is on tape boast­ing about grab­bing some woman’s hoo-ha, this race is over be­fore it’s be­gun. The GOP is sad­dled with Chris “No­body Likes Me” Christie as the in­cum­bent, and … well, and noth­ing. There seems to be no path for any Repub­li­can can­di­date right now

Ex­cept this: It’s pos­si­ble Mur­phy pro­nounces “pasta fa­gi­oli” as “pasta fagee-oh-li.” I mean, the guy didn’t move to New Jersey un­til 1999 or so, and by then he was al­ready filthy rich. He grew up in Mas­sachusetts, a state ev­ery New Jerseyan both A) hates and B) has to Google to fig­ure out how to spell. Bot­tom line: Mur­phy might make a few cap­i­tal-J Jersey mis­takes out on the cam­paign trail.

I’m here to help. We’re a tough crowd, Murph. Learn your­self some Jersey.

1) Pork roll or Tay­lor ham? Oh gosh, this one can get you in a pickle. But no mat­ter what, al­ways re­mem­ber how to prop­erly or­der one: “Pork roll, egg whites, mayo on un­toasted pumper­nickel please.”

2) As you’re no doubt aware, Bruce Spring­steen is on par with many a re­li­gious de­ity here in the Gar­den State. As such, it’s im­por­tant to know we all love his song, “57 Chan­nels (And Nothin’ On.)” Al­ways gets the crowd pumped up.

3) When driv­ing through a traf­fic cir­cle, it’s al­ways best to stop some­where in the mid­dle and wait for some­one to wave you in.

4) While you may be ac­quainted with the north­ern Jersey way of life, don’t for­get about South Jersey, es­pe­cially Ea­gles fans. Just so you know, they’re a co­hort that is eas­ily pla­cated. Just say things like, “Dick Ver­meil sucked” and you’re sure to win them over.

5) While no one likes pay­ing prop­erty taxes, we un­der­stand the need. Rais­ing them say, 20 per­cent or so won’t have a neg­a­tive ef­fect on your gov­er­nor­ship. Not one bit.

6) Sauce vs. gravy? A bat­tle with­out end. All we know is the best sauce comes out of a jar, not off the stove of some first gen­er­a­tion Ital­ian woman.

7) Pizza or tomato pie? Again, the bat­tle will con­tinue. Just re­mem­ber: Knife and fork un­til you get to the crust, which you don’t eat.

8) Make sure to al­ways greet other New Jerseyans with a hearty, “Hey, you’re from Joizey too?” and fol­low it up by ask­ing them “what exit?” We love that.

9) We don’t go to the beach; we go to the shore. And once we get there, we share our bag of Fri­tos with the seag­ulls, es­pe­cially on a crowded patch of ocean­front. We all love see­ing those lit­tle birdies eat up close! 10) Toll booth op­er­a­tors en­joy friendly chit-chat. 11) A few more com­mon pro­nun­ci­a­tions: “Moz­zarella” is pro­nounced “motz-err-rella.” “Cala­mari” is pro­nounced “cali-mar-ee.” 12) We strive to one day be like Staten Is­land. 13) Ital­ian sub? Ital­ian hoagie? Ital­ian hero? Again, an ar­gu­ment you can’t win. And also again: Just add mayo, and no one will think you’re do­ing it wrong.

14) Noth­ing like an or­der of Disco Fries at your fa­vorite diner. Just make sure you stand up and do the Hus­tle af­ter you fin­ish them! That’s a Jersey tra­di­tion, Murph!

15) Peo­ple who live in the Pine Barrens think it’s hi­lar­i­ous when you make fun of them.

16) It’s true what they say: A bagel is only as good as the wa­ter it’s made with. And so when you get a so-so bagel, it’s per­fectly ac­cept­able to dip in qual­ity wa­ter be­fore you take a bite. 17) We’re all diehard Rut­gers foot­ball fans. 18) OK, OK, you got me. I couldn’t even get through #17 with a straight face. We couldn’t care less about Rut­gers foot­ball. Just see­ing if you’re pay­ing at­ten­tion.

19) When we re­fer to “the city,” as in, “I’m tak­ing my wife to the city for our an­niver­sary,” we’re re­fer­ring to Ne­wark. And lastly … 20) We all know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy, you know? So fol­low these rules and you’ll be just fine.

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