New Jersey, we have a (quarter) problems
We have about nine months to prepare, for on August 18, 2017, we will be at war.
We will be attacked, shamed, made to feel like less of a human being.
And quite frankly, we’re going to deserve it. It wasn’t our fault, but that doesn’t make it any better.
So yes. On August 18, 2017, New Jersey will find themselves under attack from New York, because that’s the day the New Jersey National Park quarter hits the streets. On the front, obviously, George Washington. On the back ... Ellis Island, which everyone assumes is part of New York, which it kind of is, except for the landfill portion of the island, but anyway, it’s owned by the federal government and …
And we screwed this up. Now granted, when it comes to national parks in New Jersey, we don’t exactly have Yellowstone, but we could’ve gone with Gateway or Morristown or the Delaware Water Gap.
But no. We went with Ellis Island. (By the way, you know what New York had on their quarter back in 2001? The Statue of Liberty.)
I don’t want to get into another geographical war with New York, mostly because we always lose. Take the Giants and Jets, for instance. The fact they both still insist on calling themselves “New York” is aggravating. But what are we going to do? Protest? Nope, instead we’ll just shuffle on as New York’s little cousin. That’s life.
But to do it to ourselves? To work with the federal government to purposefully shine a light on our perceived second-city status? Just dumb.
Instead, we should’ve punted and gone with virtually any other national park-designated area in the state. Literally. Any other one.
Going forward, we should be a little more proactive when it comes to our state quarter choices. This is important stuff - quarters are still a thing. Someone sees a quarter on the ground, they’re grabbing it. Pennies, you leave; nickels, meh; dimes, too tough to pick up but quarters? Perfect thickness, and worth the effort. It’s a profitable move to pick up a quarter.
So with this in mind, let’s get cracking with some better ideas for future New Jersey quarters, like the …
TOMATO PIE QUARTER: A no-brainer. Round pizza, round coin, but DeLorenzo’s in Robbinsville is a rectangle so forget it.
STATE FLOWER QUARTER: In other words, a traffic cone. But again, size matters here. Triangles on a coin might not look right. Too Illuminati-ish. Besides, we still have a few years to go before we can put Bridgegate behind us. Let’s move on.
DANNY DeVITO QUARTER: Jersey born and bred. Round man. Round coin. We could stop here. We should stop here. But we won’t.
SPRINGSTEEN QUARTER: With the famous Latin motto, “Puer natus est nobis currunt” which translates, obviously, to “baby we were born to run.”
PORK ROLL QUARTER: To be issued concurrently with the IT’S NOT TAYLOR HAM QUARTER.
JUGHANDLE QUARTER: It forces you to get a dime, two nickels, three pennies and a two-cent piece for change.
WHAT EXIT? QUARTER: It punches you in the face for asking the question.
SOPRANOS QUARTER: You can only use them to buy capicola, pronounced, obviously, gabagool. DISCO FRIES QUARTER: Just because. THE EFF YOU NEW YORK QUARTER: We should invade Manhattan and annex it. I’ve always thought that.