New Jer­sey, we have a (quar­ter) prob­lems

Daily Local News (West Chester, PA) - - THE TIMES HERALD -

We have about nine months to pre­pare, for on Au­gust 18, 2017, we will be at war.

We will be at­tacked, shamed, made to feel like less of a hu­man be­ing.

And quite frankly, we’re go­ing to de­serve it. It wasn’t our fault, but that doesn’t make it any bet­ter.

So yes. On Au­gust 18, 2017, New Jer­sey will find them­selves un­der at­tack from New York, be­cause that’s the day the New Jer­sey Na­tional Park quar­ter hits the streets. On the front, ob­vi­ously, Ge­orge Wash­ing­ton. On the back ... El­lis Is­land, which every­one as­sumes is part of New York, which it kind of is, ex­cept for the land­fill por­tion of the is­land, but any­way, it’s owned by the fed­eral gov­ern­ment and …

And we screwed this up. Now granted, when it comes to na­tional parks in New Jer­sey, we don’t ex­actly have Yel­low­stone, but we could’ve gone with Gate­way or Mor­ris­town or the Delaware Wa­ter Gap.

But no. We went with El­lis Is­land. (By the way, you know what New York had on their quar­ter back in 2001? The Statue of Lib­erty.)

I don’t want to get into an­other ge­o­graph­i­cal war with New York, mostly be­cause we al­ways lose. Take the Giants and Jets, for in­stance. The fact they both still in­sist on call­ing them­selves “New York” is ag­gra­vat­ing. But what are we go­ing to do? Protest? Nope, in­stead we’ll just shuf­fle on as New York’s lit­tle cousin. That’s life.

But to do it to our­selves? To work with the fed­eral gov­ern­ment to pur­pose­fully shine a light on our per­ceived sec­ond-city sta­tus? Just dumb.

In­stead, we should’ve punted and gone with vir­tu­ally any other na­tional park-des­ig­nated area in the state. Lit­er­ally. Any other one.

Go­ing for­ward, we should be a lit­tle more proac­tive when it comes to our state quar­ter choices. This is im­por­tant stuff - quar­ters are still a thing. Some­one sees a quar­ter on the ground, they’re grab­bing it. Pen­nies, you leave; nick­els, meh; dimes, too tough to pick up but quar­ters? Per­fect thick­ness, and worth the ef­fort. It’s a prof­itable move to pick up a quar­ter.

So with this in mind, let’s get crack­ing with some bet­ter ideas for fu­ture New Jer­sey quar­ters, like the …

TOMATO PIE QUAR­TER: A no-brainer. Round pizza, round coin, but DeLorenzo’s in Rob­binsville is a rec­tan­gle so for­get it.

STATE FLOWER QUAR­TER: In other words, a traf­fic cone. But again, size mat­ters here. Tri­an­gles on a coin might not look right. Too Il­lu­mi­nati-ish. Be­sides, we still have a few years to go be­fore we can put Bridge­gate be­hind us. Let’s move on.

DANNY DeVITO QUAR­TER: Jer­sey born and bred. Round man. Round coin. We could stop here. We should stop here. But we won’t.

SPRINGSTEEN QUAR­TER: With the fa­mous Latin motto, “Puer na­tus est no­bis cur­runt” which trans­lates, ob­vi­ously, to “baby we were born to run.”

PORK ROLL QUAR­TER: To be is­sued con­cur­rently with the IT’S NOT TAY­LOR HAM QUAR­TER.

JUGHANDLE QUAR­TER: It forces you to get a dime, two nick­els, three pen­nies and a two-cent piece for change.

WHAT EXIT? QUAR­TER: It punches you in the face for ask­ing the ques­tion.

SOPRANOS QUAR­TER: You can only use them to buy capi­cola, pro­nounced, ob­vi­ously, gaba­gool. DISCO FRIES QUAR­TER: Just be­cause. THE EFF YOU NEW YORK QUAR­TER: We should in­vade Man­hat­tan and an­nex it. I’ve al­ways thought that.

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