A few re­quests for Santa

GA Voice - - OUT SPOKEN -

It has al­ways been a Kaelin fam­ily tra­di­tion for all the chil­dren to gather around the kitchen ta­ble on Christ­mas Eve and write a let­ter to Santa Claus. Hand­writ­ten al­ways by my Dad, the let­ter mostly served as a last minute gift re­quest by the chil­dren and grand­chil­dren in hopes that they would get what they wanted un­der the tree the next morn­ing. My par­ents al­ways used this rit­ual as an op­por­tu­nity to re­mind us about the true rea­son for the sea­son by adding in more hu­man­i­tar­ian re­quests for Kris Kringle, like re­mem­ber­ing to visit the poor, not for­get­ting the troops and ask­ing for the ul­ti­mate gift of peace on earth.

This year will be the first time in my en­tire life that there won’t be any chil­dren or Christ­mas cook­ies around the ta­ble while we write our yearly note to the old man. It’s truly the end of an era. In the spirit of keep­ing the tra­di­tion in­tact, I de­cided to reach out to Santa my­self and see if he can still make my wishes come true.

Dear Santa:

I hope you have had a great year and have been work­ing hard to pre­pare for your big night. The amount of time, en­ergy and ef­fort you put into try­ing to make ev­ery­one happy for just one day is mind-blow­ing, and I can’t imag­ine the crash you must feel on the 26th when it is all over. I’m sure the emo­tional roller coaster is ex­haust­ing and the strug­gle is real. I will leave you one of my Xanax on the din­ing room ta­ble to help you sort it out. It’s way more de­li­cious than a sugar cookie any­way.

Speak­ing of down­ers, the out of con­trol mass shoot­ings lately are really start­ing to bum me out. If you could help our coun­try rise above its cur­rent ob­ses­sion with guns, it would be ap­pre­ci­ated. Maybe it would help if you re­placed ev­ery psy­cho’s firearm with a hand­ful of free ther­apy ses­sions. I cer­tainly would like to go to a con­cert again with­out the fear of a mass shoot­ing.

The Madonna con­cert is com­ing to Phillips Arena on Jan­uary 20th, so if you could speak to the queen and score me some back­stage passes I would love you for­ever. “That rich, out-of-touch Kar­dashian needs to be schooled about the LGBT com­mu­nity. Please ex­plain to her that vot­ing Repub­li­can and against her own in­ter­ests is not cool.”

In re­gards to di­vas, when you reach the West Coast, do us all a fa­vor and have a se­ri­ous con­ver­sa­tion with Cait­lyn Jen­ner. That rich, out-oftouch Kar­dashian needs to be schooled about the LGBT com­mu­nity. Please ex­plain to her that vot­ing Repub­li­can and against her own in­ter­ests is not cool. And if you have any pull, we could really use your help this year when it comes to the polls. It would be su­per cool if you could fi­nally turn Ge­or­gia “Blue” and please, please, please let Hil­lary crush Don­ald Trump. I’m cer­tain most of the world would really ap­pre­ci­ate it.

And please don’t forget to take care of all the LGBT home­less youth by making sure they have a safe and happy home for the hol­i­days. Let 2016 be the year the rest of the per­mits and fund­ing for the new Lost-NFound Youth Home are se­cured. Maybe you could have a lit­tle talk with that dude who or­ga­nized the failed “Rain­bow Cross­walks” project and con­vince him to do­nate the bal­ance of the money he raised to the kids in­stead. It would be a su­per nice thing for him to do, and if he doesn’t oblige, just put a big lump of coal in his de­signer stock­ing.

Thank you for all the gifts you have given my loved ones and me. Let 2016 be filled with health, hap­pi­ness and peace on Earth for all. Merry Christ­mas and Happy New Year. Love,


Bill Kaelin is the owner of Bill Kaelin Mar­ket­ing Events and Con­sult­ing Agency in At­lanta. www.Bil­lKaelin.com

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