Llama

Hello Mr. Magazine - - CHALLENGE TRADITION -

Patchoulius agrestis Of­ten spotted at Wood­ford and Burn­ing Man, Lla­mas are deeply con­nected to the earth and – fre­quently – each other (lit­er­ally: some have ac­ci­den­tally dread­locked their pubes to­gether af­ter heavy frot­tage). At home, Lla­mas will dec­o­rate their win­dows with Ti­betan flags (de­spite hav­ing never been to Ti­bet) and are gifted at in­tense ses­sions of in­ter­course. All cop­u­la­tion with Lla­mas will in­volve in­cense, mas­sage oil, and pos­si­bly sarongs, and these tantric-in­spired ses­sions may go on for­ever. Warn­ing: your prostate may be milked, and the milk may be used in your cof­fee af­ter­wards. It’s or­ganic, af­ter all, and Lla­mas don’t like to waste.

Dis­tin­guish­ing fea­tures:

Thai fish­er­man pants, fire-twirling sticks, an on­go­ing and in­ex­pli­ca­ble re­fusal to wear shoes (which be­comes a prob­lem around pub­lic uri­nals). Lla­mas tend to have quite lovely feet, un­til you see the soles.

Quinoa, soy, kale. Pub­licly ve­gan, but will ag­gres­sively con­sume pro­cessed meats in their darker mo­ments.

Diet:

Nat­u­ral en­e­mies:

Con­di­tioner, “The Man,” people who in­sist on us­ing full flush.

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