Patchoulius agrestis Often spotted at Woodford and Burning Man, Llamas are deeply connected to the earth and – frequently – each other (literally: some have accidentally dreadlocked their pubes together after heavy frottage). At home, Llamas will decorate their windows with Tibetan flags (despite having never been to Tibet) and are gifted at intense sessions of intercourse. All copulation with Llamas will involve incense, massage oil, and possibly sarongs, and these tantric-inspired sessions may go on forever. Warning: your prostate may be milked, and the milk may be used in your coffee afterwards. It’s organic, after all, and Llamas don’t like to waste.
Thai fisherman pants, fire-twirling sticks, an ongoing and inexplicable refusal to wear shoes (which becomes a problem around public urinals). Llamas tend to have quite lovely feet, until you see the soles.
Quinoa, soy, kale. Publicly vegan, but will aggressively consume processed meats in their darker moments.
Conditioner, “The Man,” people who insist on using full flush.