Twelve Steps to Break a Heart
Be more interested in a relationship than in a person. Tell yourself that you’re not desperate, just ready for the next phase of your life. With the false conviction that you aren’t desperate, you will judge someone not based on your feelings, but on his “relationship potential.” Find someone who looks good on paper. Online dating is an excellent option as you can evaluate potentials and begin conversation without meeting in person. By doing so, you can create your own version of said person without the intrusion of reality. Some variety of emotional vulnerability is always a bonus: abandonment issues, depression, and lack of self-worth are all ideal. Start to date. Dates should be as cliché as possible. Pizza and a Sandra Bullock marathon. A Subway picnic and a hike that turns into a cuddle in the woods. Anything that reminds you of a Katherine Heigl movie. Such dates bypass the need to discover each other’s true personality. These should take place soon and move quickly from the first date to consistent dating. Fulfill dating roles. Rather than create any sort of deep and meaningful connection, simply live out what you expect a relationship to look like. Subtly encourage him to do likewise. Don’t worry about discerning your true emotions. Such thoughts will only complicate the matter. Instead follow landmarks of a good relationship: One week – after initial date, communicate daily Two weeks – go from dating to “in a relationship,” making it Facebook official preferred Three weeks – have sex Four weeks – tentatively say “I love you” (not necessary to believe it yourself) Keep the relationship separate from your pre-existing life. Don’t allow the relationship to get tangled up in your friends, family, career, or home. Introduction to a few select friends is allowed. You must act out the established dating roles (see Step 4) when around others. As the relationship now has an audience, create a convincing show of intimacy by holding hands, sharing looks, exchanging whispers, etc.