Twelve Steps to Break a Heart

Hello Mr. Magazine - - LOVE AND LET GO - Text by Brent Per­sun il­lus­tra­tion by Dan Gray

Be more in­ter­ested in a re­la­tion­ship than in a per­son. Tell yourself that you’re not des­per­ate, just ready for the next phase of your life. With the false con­vic­tion that you aren’t des­per­ate, you will judge some­one not based on your feel­ings, but on his “re­la­tion­ship po­ten­tial.” Find some­one who looks good on paper. On­line dat­ing is an ex­cel­lent op­tion as you can eval­u­ate po­ten­tials and be­gin con­ver­sa­tion with­out meet­ing in per­son. By do­ing so, you can cre­ate your own ver­sion of said per­son with­out the in­tru­sion of re­al­ity. Some va­ri­ety of emo­tional vul­ner­a­bil­ity is al­ways a bonus: aban­don­ment is­sues, de­pres­sion, and lack of self-worth are all ideal. Start to date. Dates should be as cliché as pos­si­ble. Pizza and a San­dra Bul­lock marathon. A Sub­way pic­nic and a hike that turns into a cud­dle in the woods. Any­thing that re­minds you of a Kather­ine Heigl movie. Such dates by­pass the need to dis­cover each other’s true per­son­al­ity. These should take place soon and move quickly from the first date to con­sis­tent dat­ing. Ful­fill dat­ing roles. Rather than cre­ate any sort of deep and mean­ing­ful con­nec­tion, sim­ply live out what you ex­pect a re­la­tion­ship to look like. Subtly en­cour­age him to do like­wise. Don’t worry about dis­cern­ing your true emo­tions. Such thoughts will only com­pli­cate the mat­ter. In­stead fol­low land­marks of a good re­la­tion­ship: One week – af­ter ini­tial date, com­mu­ni­cate daily Two weeks – go from dat­ing to “in a re­la­tion­ship,” mak­ing it Face­book of­fi­cial pre­ferred Three weeks – have sex Four weeks – ten­ta­tively say “I love you” (not nec­es­sary to be­lieve it yourself) Keep the re­la­tion­ship sep­a­rate from your pre-ex­ist­ing life. Don’t al­low the re­la­tion­ship to get tan­gled up in your friends, fam­ily, ca­reer, or home. In­tro­duc­tion to a few se­lect friends is al­lowed. You must act out the es­tab­lished dat­ing roles (see Step 4) when around oth­ers. As the re­la­tion­ship now has an au­di­ence, cre­ate a con­vinc­ing show of in­ti­macy by hold­ing hands, shar­ing looks, ex­chang­ing whis­pers, etc.

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