ED­U­CA­TION

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ZERO: Ab­sti­nence-only sex ed­u­ca­tion is pri­or­i­tized, prompt­ing a re­arrange­ment of the three Rs into “read­ing, ‘rit­ing, and re­fus­ing sex.” “Sex ed­u­ca­tion” classes are re­named “life ed­u­ca­tion” be­causethe for­mer might prove too arous­ing.

FIVE: While ho­mos are now deemed tol­er­a­ble (if not wel­comed), don’t ex­pect any men­tion of them in schools. There’s wide­spread anx­i­ety that pro­pa­ganda like rain­bow flags, col­or­ful hair dye, and pierc­ings ( es­pe­cially in the “gay ear”) might con­vert eas­ily-led youth.

TEN: Male-groom­ing classes are in­tro­duced to the high school cur­ricu­lum, led by mod­ern day Car­son Kress­ley looka­likes, with fo­cuses on styl­iz­ing fa­cial hair and the aes­thetic value of thick­rimmed glasses. There’s also “gay prom,” and every­body agrees it’s more fun.

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