I Should Go
I should go. I should be going. As soon as I open my eyes, I’m going to grab my underwear from that chair by the window, and my shorts from under the bed, and my shirt from wherever I tossed it.
My shoes are by the front door, I think. Loafers with tassels. Why did I even do that? Oh right, I couldn’t find my flipflops this morning. Shit. I should go. Maybe I’ll stay a little longer. I hope you don’t mind. This is usually the part where we both get dressed and stutter through small talk. Sowhatareyourplans later?Howlongareyouintownfor?Whatdo youdoagain? These are just things to be said so that we don’t have to face our own indignity in front of someone who just discovered how (and who) we really are. But we’re not doing that right now. I mean, we might do it eventually. But right now, you’re laying on your back and I’m laying on my stomach and half of our bodies are overlapping – all the way down to our feet and all the way up to our cheeks – and you are warm.
You don’t smell like anything but your own skin and I like that. I inhale it and I’m the only person in the world inhaling it. Being here with you makes me the only person in the world doing a lot of things and that makes me want to stay, among other reasons.
Every time I have the compulsion to go, it’s a struggle. I’ve wanted you for so long and now that it’s happened, I don’t want to push my luck. Because even though you’ve got your shortcomings – like your shitty job and exboyfriend baggage – you are extraordinary to me. And being here with you feels like I’m being rewarded for something I don’t deserve. So leaving before I overstay my welcome feels like the right move.
This makes four times, right? Four times since the first time a year or so ago. Remember when I used to visit you at work just so I could kiss you outside on the street? That seems so far away from this moment.
And just so you know, I’ve never lingered like this before, and I hope you don’t think I’m clinging. Usually, if I fuck someone under similar circumstances, I bail immediately or practically