I Should Go

Hello Mr. Magazine - - NEWS - Text by Ryan Rogers Illustration by Gwen­dal Le Bec

I should go. I should be go­ing. As soon as I open my eyes, I’m go­ing to grab my un­der­wear from that chair by the win­dow, and my shorts from un­der the bed, and my shirt from wher­ever I tossed it.

My shoes are by the front door, I think. Loafers with tas­sels. Why did I even do that? Oh right, I couldn’t find my flipflops this morn­ing. Shit. I should go. Maybe I’ll stay a lit­tle longer. I hope you don’t mind. This is usu­ally the part where we both get dressed and stut­ter through small talk. Sowhatarey­our­plans later?How­lon­garey­ouin­town­for?Whatdo youdoa­gain? Th­ese are just things to be said so that we don’t have to face our own in­dig­nity in front of some­one who just dis­cov­ered how (and who) we really are. But we’re not do­ing that right now. I mean, we might do it even­tu­ally. But right now, you’re lay­ing on your back and I’m lay­ing on my stom­ach and half of our bod­ies are over­lap­ping – all the way down to our feet and all the way up to our cheeks – and you are warm.

You don’t smell like any­thing but your own skin and I like that. I in­hale it and I’m the only per­son in the world in­hal­ing it. Be­ing here with you makes me the only per­son in the world do­ing a lot of things and that makes me want to stay, among other rea­sons.

Ev­ery time I have the com­pul­sion to go, it’s a strug­gle. I’ve wanted you for so long and now that it’s hap­pened, I don’t want to push my luck. Be­cause even though you’ve got your short­com­ings – like your shitty job and exboyfriend bag­gage – you are ex­tra­or­di­nary to me. And be­ing here with you feels like I’m be­ing re­warded for some­thing I don’t de­serve. So leav­ing be­fore I over­stay my wel­come feels like the right move.

This makes four times, right? Four times since the first time a year or so ago. Re­mem­ber when I used to visit you at work just so I could kiss you out­side on the street? That seems so far away from this mo­ment.

And just so you know, I’ve never lin­gered like this be­fore, and I hope you don’t think I’m cling­ing. Usu­ally, if I fuck some­one un­der sim­i­lar cir­cum­stances, I bail im­me­di­ately or prac­ti­cally

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