Friend will not talk about past prob­lems

Honolulu Star-Advertiser - - DETOURS - CAROLYN HAX ——— Carolyn Hax is a colum­nist with The Washington Post. Email her at tellme@wash­

Av­er­age So-so

LIBRA ★★★★

Dif­fi­cult Sept. 23-Oct. 22

You could be at the point where you can’t seem to con­tain yourself. Lis­ten to news, and de­cide how you feel about what you are hear­ing. Tonight: Express your child­like side.


Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Pres­sure builds around your home life. You could feel as if you don’t have enough funds to deal with the is­sue be­hind the pres­sure. Stop, and do some­thing else for now. Tonight: Go with a sug­ges­tion.


Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Keep your dis­tance, and be aware of the ram­i­fi­ca­tions of what has hap­pened. Get to the bot­tom of a prob­lem. A con­ver­sa­tion eas­ily could clear up the is­sue. Your in­stincts take you to a new level. Tonight: Keep to your bud­get.


Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Fol­low your con­vic­tions. You might want to do the un­ex­pected to help move a cause for­ward. Lis­ten to news, es­pe­cially be­fore you make a fi­nan­cial de­ci­sion. The toll of an er­ror could be huge. Tonight: Say “yes.”


Jan. 20-Feb. 18

The Moon in your sign high­lights your ca­pa­bil­i­ties. Rec­og­nize your lim­its when deal­ing with a long-term de­sire. Your abil­ity to un­der­stand your choices helps strengthen your po­si­tion at work. Tonight: A must ap­pear­ance.


Feb. 19-March 20

Lis­ten to your in­ner voice, and you will get past a prob­lem with ease if you do. Your abil­ity to de­tach and see the big pic­ture helps you gain a fresh per­spec­tive, no mat­ter what goes down. Tonight: Re­lax to a movie.

To­day’s Birth­days: Jazz mu­si­cian Roy Haynes is 93. Ac­tor Wil­liam H. Macy is 68. Po­lit­i­cal com­men­ta­tor Charles Krautham­mer is 68. Co­me­dian Robin Duke is 64. Jazz mu­si­cian Ter­ence Blan­chard is 56. Ac­tor Christo­pher Col­let is 50. Rap­per-ac­tor Com­mon is 46. Rap­per Khujo (Goodie Mob, The Lum­ber­jacks) is 46. Singers Natalie and Ni­cole Al­bino (Nina Sky) are 34. Olympic gold medal skier Mikaela Shiffrin is 23. Carolyn Hax is away. The fol­low­ing first ap­peared on Oc­to­ber 22, 2003.

Hi Carolyn: A few months back I had a fall­ing-out with a friend whom I was ex­tremely close to.

She ini­ti­ated a “time­out” where she didn’t want to talk to me about the is­sues at hand or any­thing else, be­cause she “just didn’t have time to deal with” me. Ob­vi­ously, I was be­yond hurt that my best friend wouldn’t make time to talk things out.

Now when I bump into her in so­cial gath­er­ings she acts all cheery and chatty. To which I re­spond with a very cold (I’d even say Arc­tic) shoul­der.

She then fires at me that she’s just be­ing civil and that I lack the most rudi­men­tary so­cial skill. And I’ll agree.

But I guess I just don’t see the point in plas­ter­ing on a smile and spray­ing airkisses on some­one who wouldn’t give up a half-hour to at least at­tempt to straighten things out.

So where do you side, ci­vil­ity or re­al­ity?

This year you find pos­i­tive so­lu­tions to dif­fi­cult chal­lenges. Oth­ers might be en­vi­ous of your re­source­ful­ness. You are able to ask the right ques­tions to get the in­for­ma­tion you need. Oth­ers find you to be a very pos­i­tive source of en­ergy. AQUARIUS is a nat­u­ral healer for you.

— Your So­cially Hea­then Fan

Dear So­cially: I’m sur­pris­ing my­self a lit­tle here, and vot­ing ci­vil­ity down.

Po­lite cheer is for when you’ve had the tough con­ver­sa­tion and agreed that things can’t be re­solved. It’s not for when some­one wants you to make it easy for her to avoid the tough con­ver­sa­tion.

If it makes you feel bet­ter, say, “I find it hard to be civil to some­one who won’t even ‘deal with’ me.”

Dear Carolyn: What is the proper re­sponse when a busi­ness as­so­ciate or per­son with whom you have a pro­fes­sional re­la­tion­ship tells you they’re get­ting a di­vorce?

I’ve been say­ing, “I’m sorry” or “What a dif­fi­cult time this must be for you.”

My friend says most peo­ple (men in par­tic­u­lar) would be put off by that, and that it con­veys pity and judg­ment on their per­sonal lives.

I def­i­nitely don’t want to do that, but there must be some­thing bet­ter to say than “Oh.”

— Surely, You Wouldn’t Say “Con­grat­u­la­tions”

Dear Surely: I wouldn’t, and don’t call me Shirley.

The proper re­sponse to a di­vorc­ing col­league is, “I’m sorry” or “What a dif­fi­cult time this must be.”

Or “Ooh, tough break.” Or “That can’t be fun.”

And, since you didn’t ask, the proper re­sponse to some­one who sees these gen­uine yet safely generic ex­pres­sions of sym­pa­thy as con­de­scend­ing or judg­men­tal or some­how more grat­ing par­tic­u­larly to men is “Huh?”


From left, Lionel Richie, Katy Perry, Ryan Seacrest and Luke Bryan on the set of “Amer­i­can Idol” in New York.

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