How they spent their sum­mer va­ca­tion

Imperial Valley Press - - OPINION - WILL DURST Will Durst is an award-win­ning, na­tion­ally ac­claimed colum­nist, comic and for­mer sod farmer in New Ber­lin, Wis­con­sin.

And so we bid a hearty “Wel­come Back” to our elected rep­re­sen­ta­tives as they re­luc­tantly trudge back to Wash­ing­ton fol­low­ing their an­nual sum­mer re­cess, and the fact that it sounds like a holdover from el­e­men­tary school is no ac­ci­dent. Os­ten­si­bly this respite from the busi­ness at hand is meant to re­new, re­fresh, recharge and reload so they can be rested and re­laxed as they fight for us, their con­stituents. Mostly though, they raise cam­paign funds.

But a few did man­age to carve pre­cious min­utes from their busy sched­ules of schmooz­ing and net­work­ing for more pas­toral pro­cliv­i­ties. And through a se­ries of dogged in­ves­ti­ga­tions, we here at Durstco were able to un­cover those pre­vi­ously un­re­ported recre­ational ac­tiv­i­ties that they and other pub­lic fig­ures en­gaged in over the break and are proud to of­fer them up in a seg­ment we like to call “How They Spent Their Sum­mer Va­ca­tion.”

Sean Spicer chopped 30 points off his blood pres­sure by spend­ing the sum­mer in Louisiana tag­ging al­li­ga­tors.

Steve Ban­non earned a pretty penny for check­ing into a Swiss spa and switch­ing out his blood with Keith Richards’.

Paul Ryan spent the sum­mer vis­it­ing all 30 MLB sta­di­ums and de­fied the laws of prob­a­bil­ity when the home team lost ev­ery game.

Kelly Ann Con­way broke many nails writ­ing a book on the power of pa­tience and per­sis­tence cou­pled with a strict reg­i­men of will­ful ig­no­rance.

Don­ald Trump sur­rep­ti­tiously in­stalled so­lar pan­el­ing on his vast hold­ings in Guam.

Mike Pence taught Bi­ble School to a group of at- risk youth who just hap­pen to be the kids of Repub­li­can Me­gaDonors.

Chris Mathews vis­ited se­cret and an­cient Vat­i­can li­braries search­ing for loop­holes.

Michael Flynn went off his meds and no one no­ticed.

Sher­iff Joe Ar­paio sailed to Ja­maica on a raft he per­son­ally lashed to­gether from the bleached bones of dead im­mi­grants.

Chris Christie vis­ited many beaches no one else was al­lowed to.

Mitch Mc­Connell gained ex­pe­ri­ence deal­ing with Pres­i­dent Trump by ref­er­ee­ing the fi­nals of a Pee- Wee wrestling tour­na­ment for hy­per­ac­tive chil­dren.

Bernie San­ders at­tended 3 ComicCon Con­ven­tions dressed as the John Candy char­ac­ter from “Space­balls.”

Chief of Staff John Kelly took a plumb­ing cor­re­spon­dence course with an em­pha­sis on leak- plug­ging.

El­iz­a­beth War­ren hitch­hiked across Europe with a maple leaf patch sewn onto her back­pack.

Jef­fer­son Beau­re­gard Ses­sions III trav­eled to Italy to get cus­tom four­inch lifts in­stalled in all his shoes.

Cal­i­for­nia Se­na­tor Ka­mala Har­ris pi­loted a highly pres­ti­gious Con­gres­sional Task Force that stud­ied the ef­fi­cacy of task forces.

Jared Kush­ner fol­lowed the New Eng­land State Fair cir­cuit hawk­ing veg­etable slicers.

Hil­lary Clin­ton stud­ied with many tu­tors so that she could at­tempt to ap­pear spon­ta­neous on her up­com­ing book tour.

First Lady Me­la­nia Trump con­sulted with Manolo Blah­nik on his Lim­ited Edi­tion “Shoes Fit For a Flood” Col­lec­tion.

Bill Clin­ton never left his ham­mock. Ex­cept for twice when it needed to be re- net­ted.

An­thony Scara­mucci spent 30 days in com­mu­nity ser­vice in Kal­ispell, Mon­tana after threat­en­ing the life of a KOA camp­ground man­ager who failed to stock enough marsh­mal­lows for the tra­di­tional Fri­day night S’mores bon­fire.

Don­ald Trump Jr. spent the sum­mer writ­ing an in­fi­nite num­ber of times on a Trump Univer­sity black­board “I will quit be­ing such a du­fus.”

Ted Cruz in­terned at the Cal­gary Stam­pede as a rodeo clown.

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