Try­ing to re­gain trust in hus­band

Los Angeles Times - - Calendar - Send ques­tions to Amy Dick­in­son by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com.

Dear Amy: My hus­band had an emo­tional af­fair with a co-worker, and al­though he said it was over, I later found out that it was not.

Now he claims it is def­i­nitely over and has given me ac­cess to all of his e-mail, phone records, etc.

Most of the time I do be­lieve him be­cause he is more like his old self.

I hate check­ing up on him, but will I ever stop be­ing sus­pi­cious? Will I ever be able to re­spect him again?

I also fear that I am be­com­ing bit­ter and un­able to let go of my anger. And some­times I’m afraid that I don’t love him as I should.

How do I be­gin to trust, re­spect and love him again?

Want­ing to Let Go

Dear Want­ing: You will be­gin to trust, re­spect and love your hus­band again, but you will have to take it one painful day at a time.

You may not en­joy polic­ing his e-mail and cell­phone. If this causes you pain, then stop.

Then you will have to con­sciously de­cide to trust him.

And then, even­tu­ally, you will trust him.

Ab­so­lute trans­parency be­tween you two is nec­es­sary. That means you should be hon­est with him about your anger and sad­ness, and he in turn must be hon­est with you about his feel­ings. He needs to apol­o­gize and ask for your for­give­ness, and you should for­give him.

A pro­fes­sional coun­selor will help you sort through his be­trayal and your re­ac­tion to it.

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