Sister dates a married man
Dear Amy: I recently learned that my younger sister is dating a married man. They’ve been dating for many months.
Of course, he claims that he was never in love with his wife, etc. They have children. She portrays him as the victim, trapped in an unhappy marriage.
They seem to be dating openly. Her friends have met him, and their co-workers know about the relationship.
My sister claims that he recently told his wife he wants a divorce.
I have a very hard time believing or respecting anyone that would disrespect their marriage so outwardly.
She wants me to not judge her and to respect her decision to move forward in this relationship. But I am having a hard time, knowing that there are nameless/ faceless people on the other side of this equation.
What advice do you have for a worried sister? Sleepless Sister
Dear Sleepless: You will lose less sleep if you embrace the fact that your sister’s relationship really has nothing to do with you. This might be what she is trying to get at when she asks you not to judge her.
You see this relationship as flawed and unethical (I do, too). Your sister is a party to the pain caused by infidelity and the possible breakup of a marriage. But you don’t have intimate knowledge about this man’s marriage (she doesn’t, either).
Be circumspect. Don’t speculate about the future (the future is her problem). If this couple ends up together, long term, you may have to face him as a family member. You don’t need to agree with or endorse this relationship, but you may have to accept it.
Dear Amy: I am a 61-yearold happily married woman with two grown sons. Several years ago I took an early retirement in order to be available to my recently widowed mother.
I have one brother who is also married with his own family. He sees my mother every other Sunday for breakfast.
He presents as a narcissist: He is the best son, his family is the best, his wife is great, etc.
Because of his general attitude and blatant disrespect for me and my family, I have chosen to disengage from him and not have any contact. How do I tell my mother? Had It
Dear Had It: The basic hallmarks of narcissism are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Your brother might be a narcissist, or he might be a guy who simply loves his own life.
You have the right to disengage from your brother, and you don’t even need to justify it, either to him, your mother, or anyone else.
If your mother asks you for an explanation about your relationship with your brother, you can tell her, “He and I don’t really see eye to eye. He doesn’t seem very interested in me or my life, but if he is good to you, then I’m happy about that.”
You don’t need to be friends, but you are siblings. As your mother ages, you will occasionally be forced to deal with one another. It would be easiest for you if you could find a detached and cordial way to communicate with him, without really caring too much what he thinks of himself — or you.