Secret friendship soured

I’ve been married for many years. A few years back I started an online friendship with a woman. We’ve emailed back and forth, and I really enjoyed our correspondence over the years. She’s had a much more exciting life than I’ve had but I found our shared knowledge and experiences made for an online relationship that’s better than anything I’ve had with my wife.

I never tried to meet her face to face and was perfectly happy with that.

Two years ago, her writings to me became less frequent and much more politically tinged. She attributed this to an injury she suffered and the recovery from it.

Her correspondence has since dropped to nothing. I miss it and feel truly hurt by this. My wife knows nothing.

Should I continue to correspond with this woman and hope things go back to normal, or should I just end this and try to move on? Hurt Online

Dear Hurt: When I comment on the insidious effect that secret “friendships” have on a marriage, people often respond: “But married people can — and should — have friends!”

Yes, committed partners can (and should!) conduct their own friendships. But when the friendship is a secret, over time the secrecy amplifies a feeling of intimacy between the friends, leaving the partner out.

Your situation is a perfect example of this phenomenon. As your online friendship grew, your in-person relationship shrank. And now, unfortunately, both relationships have dwindled.

Maybe you pursued your online friendship because you believed something important was missing in your marriage. But if you aren’t going to try to be a full partner to your spouse, you must own the consequences.

You should respect your online friend’s choice to maintain some distance.

Then you could take that extra relationship energy and recommit to trying to reconnect with your wife.

Dear Amy: My granddaughter is barely scraping by. She is divorced from her vindictive husband. They have three teens for whom she is mainly responsible.

She had a good job when she divorced, so the courtordered child support was low. She has a part-time job now with no benefits, and has had some health issues. I help her out by sending her about $1,800 a month.

My husband and I are retired and comfortably welloff. There is nothing we need or want that we can’t get.

However, our granddaughter sends us gift cards for things we don’t want.

To me, that is akin to robbing Peter to pay Paul.

The last time she sent me something, I asked her not to send us anything of monetary value. A card or a Zoom call would be more than enough to make us happy.

She just sent my husband a Father’s Day card for $25 at Starbucks. I sent it back and asked her again not to send us such gifts.

I am sure that I am hurting her feelings and I don’t know what to do about it.

Do you have any suggestions about how better to handle this? Grands

Dear Grands: You are so generous — and your granddaughter obviously appreciates it. She is trying to thank you and reciprocate.

I realize this is frustrating for you, but after your second admonition and correction, it’s time to let it go. You might be able to regift or donate any gift cards.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.