It’s A Loathe Story, Baby, Just Say Yes

MidWeek (Hawaii) - - Front Page - Amy Alkon

My boyfriend who dumped me says he wants to be friends (talk to me, see me some­times), but I’m not ready for that be­cause I’m still in love with him. A fe­male co­worker said that if he can be friends, he was never in love with me to be­gin with — that if he’d re­ally loved me, he’d hate me now. Is this true? —

Ac­cord­ing to your of­fice Socrates, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways” should be an­swered with “I slashed your tires. I sprin­kled a strong lax­a­tive in your latte. And I’m look­ing for­ward to chas­ing you down the street while wav­ing highly re­al­is­tic repli­cas of scary me­dieval weapons…”

Ro­man­tic love ac­tu­ally sion­ate” and “com­pan­ion­ate” Elaine Hat­field. Pas­sion­ate tional,” lusty kind that wanes over time. Com­pan­ion­ate love, on the other hand, in­volves “friendly af­fec­tion and deep cia­tion for who some­body is and what they do and be­lieve stay­ing power.

The dif­fer­ence be­tween the two is best il­lus­trated in re­la­tion to what we’ll call “car trou­ble.” Pas­sion­ate love is what leads to the physics prob­lem of how to have sex in a Porsche in your side and do­ing it in the foyer in­stead would take too long). Com­pan­ion­ate love like­wise gets two peo­ple work­ing out a physics prob­lem in a car; in­tel­li­gence re­quired to in­stall an in­fant car seat.

Com­pan­ion­ate love does some­times lead to “I hate you! but typ­i­cally just when there’s been a be­trayal. But some­times what peo­ple call love is re­ally an un­healthy de­pen­dency with one per­son us­ing the other as a empty spa­ces in them­selves so they can take a short­cut to feel­ing whole.

How­ever, real love doesn’t sud­denly cur­dle into hate. If the re­spect and the “wow, you’re an amaze­balls per­son” and all the rest was there, that re­mains la­tion­ship tanks. Even so, this doesn’t nec­es­sar­ily mean you should con­vert your ex into your BFF. What you should do works for you, when it works for you. This may mean never see­ing or speak­ing to your ex comes hate!” urg­ing from your scold­ing phone call: “If you’d ever re­ally loved me, you’d the best un­de­tectable poi­son money can buy!”

Not to brag, but I’m a very in­tel­li­gent woman with prob­a­bly too many de­grees. I’m al­ways thrilled when a guy says he’s seek­ing “a smart woman.” How­ever, a guy who ini­tially said that just stopped dat­ing me be­cause he finds my in­tel­li­gence “emas­cu­lat­ing.” Do all men feel this way? Am I sup­posed to dumb it down to find a part­ner? —

Men don’t mind be­ing cor­rected by a woman if it’s “Oooh, yes … a lit­tle more to meant ‘whom.’”

tu­ally av­er­age women tend to part­ner. In re­search by so­cial psy­chol­o­gist Lora E. Park, ligence. How­ever, when they were in the same room with a woman and they were told she scored far bet­ter on a math test sus their 60 per­cent), the men were less in­ter­ested in plan­ning a date with her.

Park and her col­leagues evo­lu­tion­ary psy­chol­o­gists per­formed” by women leads ished feel­ings of mas­culin­ity.” ing quite ig­nites ro­mance like need­ing to coax your date out from un­der the couch: “Why are you hid­ing? I promised not to hurt you with my mind!”)

The an­swer for you, as a very smart woman, isn’t lec­tive about the men you date (while rec­og­niz­ing that there are braini­acs work­ing as, say, cab­i­net­mak­ers). As­sum­ing you aren’t chas­ing guys away by lord­ing over them, it’s prob­a­bly best to nar­row your ly in­tel­li­gent: men who won’t feel like their IQ test results, in com­par­i­son with yours, would read some­thing like “Wa­ter ev­ery other day, and place in in­di­rect sun­light.”

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