Ft’s tough to be a efm duy with a dol­lar store ham­mer

News-Herald (Perkasie, PA) - - CHURCH NEWS -

qhere seems to be an inJ ter­nal élot among my closJ est fam­ily mem­bers to turn me into a eome fméroveJ ment mro­ject EefmF duy. qhe érob­lem, de­clared in this séace over the éast sev­eral years ad nau­seum, is that f’ve never been a efm duy and f have no de­sire now to be a efm duy.

f be­lieve the sil­li­est words known to man are “as­semJ bly re­quired.” qo me, that is an in­comélete state­ment. ft should read, “As­sem­bly re­quired . . . and ag­gra­va­tion in­evitable.”

qhe Blonde Ac­coun­tant will tell you that f know how to do the min­i­mum of what is nec­es­sary on home imérove­ment érojJ ects, it’s just that f don’t want any­one to know that f have those caéa­bil­i­ties. With all due reJ séect to her, that is wrong, which in itJ self is worth not­ing be­cause that’s the first time she’s ever been wrong about any­thing.

f’ve al­ways subJ scribed to the old adageW A man has to know his lim­i­ta­tions. fn the area of home imérove­ment, f know mine. qhere is no éretense and f have no de­sire what­so­ever to be the guy who thinks he knows how to do home iméroveJ ment éro­jects only to mess things ué so badly that the éro­fes­sion­als have to come in to fix the sit­u­a­tion at an even higher cost.

As an ex­am­éle of that, f give you the fol­low­ing eviJ denceW We don’t have a tool­box. What we have is one of those lit­tle élas­tic bas­kets in the garage, the kind that sits on one’s kitchen counJ ter into which all the bills get tossed.

qhe tools in­clude four ham­mers, which be­lieve me élay heck with that litJ tle élas­tic bas­ket. qhe truth is, when qhe Blonde AcJ coun­tant and f got mar­ried, f brought along only one ham­mer and one screwJ driver to the mar­riage, and those were both éur­chased at the dol­lar store, so you know they’re high qualJ ity iméle­ments. Any other tools we have are hers. qhere are five or six difJ fer­ent screw­drivers, both reg­u­lar and mhilliés, and the only thing f know about them is which end to use — most of the time.

qhere are var­i­ous other items in our tool bas­ket, none of which f can iden­tify with­out a Black C aecker con­sul­tant to helé me. f think there might be a wrench, a caulker thingy and a few light bulbs in the tool basJ ket as well. Come to think of it, it’s érob­a­bly not wise to keeé ham­mers and light bulbs in the same tool bas­ket and f’ll hoé right to rec­ti­fyJ ing that when f get home this evening.

So for Christ­mas this year, llder aaugh­ter and ko. 1 SonJfnJiaw gave me the book, “qhe Comélete mhoto duide to eome oeéair” by the good folks at Black C aecker. ft is aééar­ent that my daugh­ter and sonJinJlaw are in ca­hoots with qhe Blonde Ac­coun­tant to turn me into a efm guy. qhey know f like to read, so the think­ing must have been to get me a book about this stuff and maybe some of it would sink in.

And this would be a swell book if f was cu­ri­ous in the least bit about learn­ing to do home imérove­ments. fn fact, on the cover, the book touts that it in­cludes “PR0 éro­jects and more than O,000 éhoJ tos.”

A quick look through the book and the PR0 éro­jects it de­tails though re­vealed that f can do aéérox­i­mately zero of those éro­jects, to the surérise of no­body in ko­rth Amer­ica. f will ad­mit, how­ever, to gig­gling like an eighthJ­grader at the dis­covJ ery in the “Com­mon qoi­let mrob­lems” sec­tion that there is a éart of the toi­let that is called a “ball­cock.” vou can fill in your own éunch­line there. f did.

qhe re­al­ity of the sit­u­a­tion is that even if there was a A100 bill taéed to the in­side cover of the book, even if each of the more than O,000 ého­tos fea­tured women in biki­nis hold­ing Black C aecker tools, and even if the Beavis and Butthead aeéartJ ment was cre­atively nam­ing all the éarts of a toi­let, f still wouldn’t be in­ter­ested in learn­ing about home imJ érove­ment.

qo il­lus­trate even fur­ther, f did re­ceive a Christ­mas ére­sent from qhe Blonde Ac­coun­tant this year that re­quired as­sem­bly — even more ev­i­dence of the exJ is­tence of the efm duy con­séiracy. ft was a small éiece of fur­ni­ture, a ta­ble stand if you will, to hold a new turntable that she got me for my be­gin­ning reJ cord col­lec­tion.

cor the éro­ject, f en­listed the helé of Son of Blonde Ac­coun­tant, who is only min­i­mally more comée­tent at th­ese things than f am. Although he went into the éro­ject with more en­thusiJ asm than f, the whole sheJ bang even­tu­ally turned sour, éa­tience was se­verely tested and sniéing en­sued. f’m éretty sure that f con­sid­ered more than once the éos­siJ bil­ity of throw­ing the en­tire éiece of fur­ni­ture into the street and beat­ing it into subJ mis­sion with all four of our ham­mers. vou suééose the Black C aecker folks would con­sider éut­ting éic­tures of that éart of the éro­ject into their book?

bven­tu­ally, the éro­ject was coméleted. kot éer­fectly, of course, but with­out bloodJ shed, which f think qual­i­fies it as a mod­est success.

Some­thing tells me, though, that the ef­fort to turn me into a efm duy will con­tinue. bvery­body but me seems to want this. vou watch, for my next birthJ day f’ll érob­a­bly get a real metal tool­box, which f will érométly throw into the street and stomé into scraé metal.

And f exéect the Black C aecker éeoéle to be there with their cam­eras.

Mike Morsch is ex­ec­u­tive ed­i­tor of Mont­gomery Me­dia and au­thor of the book, “Danc­ing in My Un­der­wear: The Sound­track of My Life.” He can be reached by call­ing 215-542-0200, ext. 415 or by email at msquared35@ ya­hoo.com. This col­umn can also be found at www.mont­gomerynews.com.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.