When cutting a rug isn’t exactly like dancing in the street
Never did I think I’d be doing online research on how to cut carpet. There’s an hour of my life that I’ll likely never get back, huh?
But there I was this weekend, looking for information on cutting carpet. Not because I was actually going to cut carpet. No, no, no. That would be silly. I can’t do that, I’m allergic to tools. What I wanted to know was where exactly would be the best place to cut carpet.
I didn’t think it was smack dab in the middle of the street right in front of my house.
Imagine my surprise, then, on Sunday when I got back into my neighborhood after running erUDnGV WR finG D ODUJH — DnG , PHDn big — roll of carpet right in the middle of the street near my house. It was stretched nearly across the entire road, leaving just enough room for me to maneuver my car around it and into my driveway.
Hmmm, I thought. It’s about time PennDOT got around to carpeting our street. We always seem to be last on the list for the snowplow to come through, so it would have been no surprise to me if we were last on the list for the street carpeting project as well?
But the big roll of carpet looked like it had fallen off the back of a truck or something. Once I realized it wasn’t a PennDOT project, I lollygagged a bit in the driveway before going into the house to see if anyone was going to come along and claim it. For a brief moment, I thought I could quickly summon Son of Blonde Accountant and the two of us could get the big roll into the garage before anyone noticed it was missing.
BXW WKDW wDV RnOy D flHHWLnJ thought of what would have been a bad plan because the two of us wouldn’t have been able to lift the doggone thing and I surely would have pulled a hamstring or something. Plus, nHLWKHU RI XV LV HxDFWOy flHHW RI foot, especially when toting a 1,000-pound roll of carpet, so it’s not like we could have accomplished the task in a hurry to avoid detection.
“Did you see what’s in the middle of the street?” I said to The Blonde Accountant once I got inside the house.
“Ya, it’s a big roll of carpet. It’s been out there for a while. I’m about ready to call the police,” she said.
I’m not sure how that call would have gone.
“Hello, police department? Our street is being invaded by a big roll of carpet. Can you send some interior decorators and installers right over to take care of this?”
Monitoring the situation from my living room, it eventually became clear that one of the neighbors was indeed having some new carpet installed. (Nothing gets by me.) Two workers descended into the street to unroll the carpet, measure it and begin the cutting process.
At one point, it looked like the grounds crew at Citizens Bank Park had unrolled the tarp in anticipation of a rain delay.
All the while, the workers seemed oblivious to the cars slowly inching their way around them while they worked. In the middle of the street for crying out loud. And not a rain cloud in sight.
Hey, kids have played in the street since the invention of kids and streets. I did, too. But whatever we were doing — playing catch, riding our bikes, drawing with chalk — we got out of the way when the cars came by. Cars own the streets, or so I thought. Apparently, carpet installers now own the streets.
Even using some orange cones would have at least given drivers some pause that the road was being carpeted.
This is where I missed a golden opportunity, though. I should have marched right out there like a good reporter and asked the two workers what the heck were they doing. Their answers certainly would have made for a better story. But I didn’t.
Turns out that further research indicated that the carpet cutters were in the right church, but the wrong pew. Ac- cording to one website I found that offered tips for cutting carpet: “rnroll the section of carpeting on a flat surface that can hold up to scratching, such as the floor of the back patio, or the driveway.”
The driveway is close to the street. My experience, however, indicates that there usually is OHVV WUDIfiF Ln WKH GULYHwDy WKDn there is on the street, which theoretically means fewer chances to get run over by a vehicle.
Really, though, this is about as much as I want to know about cutting carpet — that it apparently can be done in the street in front of my house by two guys completely oblivious to any traffiF.
Somebody should have been called on the carpet for that.
Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Media and author of the book, “Dancing in My Underwear: The Soundtrack of My Life.” He can be reached by calling 215-542-0200, ext. 415 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. This column can also be found at www.montgomerynews.com.
Outta Leftfield Mike Morsch