It’s time to leave husband’s computer history far behind

DEAR CAROLYN: I’m from the U.K. I’m married to a man who is a self-professed arrogant liar. He’s proud of it. I am not.

We have been together for 20 years.

He has joined a professional networking site and sometimes he deletes his computer history but now and again I guess he forgets. I’ve always had my suspicions. He has checked out so many young attractive women on these sites. He says that it’s purely professional and that they have requested him.

I’m not stupid. All of the women are incredibly attractive. I turn heads but I’m certainly not as beautiful as these women. I feel like such a mug. We have two children. I just need to know is it normal that men do this or have I married an arse?

— I Married an Arse DEAR READER: You didn’t include a signature so I provided one for you.

Anyone who describes her husband as “a self-professed arrogant liar” knows exactly who she married.

So the real question is, what are you looking to get from writing to me? Validation for your distrust? Done. Sympathy? Done. Permission to go (or stay)? You’re your own permission.

I suspect what you really want is “why” — why he does this, why you’ve stayed, why you’ve mistaken this for a beauty contest — and the overarching “what” they compel: What now?

Please get out of his history, and seek answers in your own emotional health. Find a therapist, some supportive friends, some healthy outlets. Find you. Your confidence will speak for itself.

DEAR CAROLYN: I recently faced a gut-wrenching decision when my father passed away a few days before my son’s wedding. My siblings were unwilling to delay the funeral and it was the same day as the wedding. I could not attend both.

I decided to go to the wedding, obviously missing my father’s funeral. What do you think of my decision?

— Right Decision? DEAR READER: I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your decision was a matter of conscience, so whether it was the “right” one is beyond the reach of outside opinion.

If it helps, I’d have chosen the wedding, too, for two reasons. First, funerals are for the survivors, and as a survivor, you had standing to decide what better served your grief — to accept support for your loss or show support for your son.

The second is simply, life. Given a choice between looking forward or looking back, forward is the joyous path, of investing in the family that your dad started and that now carries his memory forward.

A choice to attend the funeral would have withstood scrutiny, too — to take your one chance to mark the end since there will likely be many to embrace this son’s new beginning. It’s not so much that one choice was right as that neither was wrong.

You didn’t ask this, but I’ll answer it anyway — I wouldn’t have chosen as your siblings did. Absent a religious imperative, it’s quite common to delay services a bit so that more people can attend.

But what that means, ultimately, is that both parties had choices, you and your siblings. It might console you most just to accept that they did what they felt they needed to, and so did you, and to see it needn’t resonate beyond that.