With­out a grave site, pay­ing trib­ute to Mom gets cre­ative

Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette - - PROFILES - ABI­GAIL VAN BUREN Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069 or visit

DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away two years ago. Be­cause she was cre­mated, there is no grave site to pay trib­ute to her. She lived in Rhode Is­land; I live in Florida.

My room­mate’s mother passed last year, and she was buried here in Florida. On Mother’s Day, I wanted to pay re­spects to both of our moms. Be­cause my mom has no grave site, we placed flow­ers on my room­mate’s mom’s grave in memory of both moth­ers.

Was it wrong to do this? My room­mate is fine with the idea, but oth­ers dis­agree. Abby, what’s your take on this? Any other ideas for me to honor my mom?

— Mourn­ing my mom DEAR MOURN­ING:

If plac­ing flow­ers on your room­mate’s mother’s grave brought you com­fort, then it was ex­actly the right thing to do. That some­one told you there was any­thing wrong with the way you chose to ease your sense of loss was the height of nerve. If you wish to con­tinue do­ing it, then you should.

As to other ways to honor your mom, con­sider mak­ing a do­na­tion in her memory to a cause that was dear to her or a school she at­tended. I’m sure both would be ap­pre­ci­ated.

DEAR ABBY: My hus­band, his fa­ther, grand­fa­ther and great-grand­fa­ther all share the same first name, which is “Andrew.” We hope to carry on the tra­di­tion if we are blessed with a baby boy.

My hus­band’s first cousin and his wife have just an­nounced they are hav­ing a baby boy and will be us­ing Andrew as a mid­dle name. My hus­band isn’t up­set about it, but I am. My hus­band’s cousin claims he sim­ply wanted to name his son af­ter his great-grand­fa­ther, but I feel like Andrew isn’t his name to use. Am I over­re­act­ing? I don’t feel right about us­ing the name now if we are blessed to have a son. Am I be­ing self­ish? — Irked wife in North Carolina DEAR IRKED WIFE: Not only is your at­ti­tude self­ish, it’s also un­re­al­is­tic. No­body “owns” the name Andrew. If your hus­band’s cousin and his wife want to honor their great-grand­fa­ther (or his memory) in this way, they are free to do so, and it should have no im­pact on what you name your next male child. (If it’s a girl, con­sider nam­ing her “Andrea.”)

DEAR ABBY: My sis­ter has three kids whom I love. How­ever, she and her hus­band seem to need a baby sit­ter ev­ery sin­gle day for one thing or an­other. In my opin­ion, if you de­cide to have three kids, you should be able to in­cor­po­rate them into your life­style. But they use sit­ters to watch two of them, while they take one to soc­cer prac­tice or go to the gro­cery store, etc.

I get an­noyed be­cause all this baby-sit­ting falls on my par­ents, or some­times me. I had one — and only one — kid for a rea­son. I re­sent hav­ing to still be in baby mode. Am I wrong to feel we are be­ing …

— Used in Louisiana DEAR USED: No.

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