Man an­swers wife’s hurt feel­ings with an­gry shouts

Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette - - CLASSIFIED MARKETPLACE - ABI­GAIL VAN BUREN Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069 or visit

Dear Abby: I have been mar­ried for two years, and my hus­band has three grown chil­dren. He was re­cently plan­ning a get­away with the youngest and in­cluded me in the plans. I didn’t want to in­ter­fere and sug­gested that his child might want to spend some one-on-one time with him. I later learned that not only were his other kids go­ing, but their spouses were as well. Every­one was in­cluded but me. I felt very hurt to be ex­cluded.

When I shared with him how I felt, his re­sponse was that he couldn’t con­trol his kids, but I feel he could have con­trolled his re­sponse. To ex­clude me was de­lib­er­ate. When I told him how hurt I was, he got less than an inch from my face and started scream­ing about my kids (who love him like a fa­ther). It scared me be­cause he was

in my face. I have never had a man scream in my face like that be­fore. I don’t know what to do. I was truly ter­ri­fied. — Lost In The East

Dear Lost: Your hus­band may have re­acted the way he did out of guilt. If you haven’t al­ready, tell him that no one has ever spo­ken to you the way he did and that it ter­ri­fied you. Tell him that when some­one acts that way, the nat­u­ral con­clu­sion of the per­son be­ing bul­lied (which is what he was do­ing) is to fear the ver­bal at­tack will es­ca­late to phys­i­cal vi­o­lence.

If he can’t ex­plain calmly why he over­re­acted when you said you were hurt, then the two of you could use some ses­sions with a mar­riage coun­selor. If he re­fuses to go, go with­out him. He was less than hon­est in not dis­clos­ing be­fore­hand that every­one but you would be va­ca­tion­ing to­gether.

Dear Abby: Years be­fore my dad passed away, he started keep­ing a note­book he called “Jack’s Dooms­day Book.” In it he listed ac­count num­bers and bal­ances, names of banks, pass­words, lo­ca­tions of doc­u­ments and other de­tailed in­struc­tions on how to take over his re­spon­si­bil­i­ties if he was in­ca­pac­i­tated. He al­ways told Mom and me that if some­thing hap­pened, to find that note­book in which ev­ery­thing was writ­ten down.

Mom died first, so when Dad be­came ill years later, he made sure I had the note­book. I can’t tell you how much eas­ier it made things. I didn’t have to go search­ing through pa­per­work to fig­ure out what

was what. I knew the banks I had to go to and what to bring. It was all there. Every­one should have a dooms­day book. — Jack’s Girl In Louisiana

Dear Jack’s Girl: I couldn’t agree more. I ad­mire your fa­ther’s prag­ma­tism. Too many adults fail to plan ahead for this kind of in­evitabil­ity, which causes ad­di­tional prob­lems for sur­vivors at a time when they are try­ing to cope with their grief. Read­ers, if you haven’t al­ready done some­thing sim­i­lar, you should con­sider it.

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