In search of a new bell cow
It’s time to throw your busted NCAA bracket away and start doing mock NFL drafts.
Don’t even take the time to do mock tee times for The Masters on CBS.
That’s because this particular draft is critical for the Green and Gold, who have just two running backs on their active roster. And one used to be gainfully employed as a receiver.
So they are in dire need of someone who has dedicated his life to toting the hogbladder.
“We need some more guys,” Packers general manager Ted Thompson said. “We’re a little short in a couple of areas. So from a personnel standpoint, we’ve got to get some more bodies, but we like the guys that we have. It’s just that we’d like to get some more.”
In other words, the Packers could use a bell cow.
It was envisioned by many that Eddie Lacy would fill that role for quite some time. He sort of lived up to the bell cow thing. We all know he answered the dinner bell. And he recently weighed in at 267 so he had the cow part down. It was only fitting that he got a fat contract after he waddled off to Seattle.
Now no Titletown District can be complete without a Bell Cow Palace. This would be a place where fans could gather and regale all with amusing anecdotes about their favorite Packer bell cows.
And here are some legendary Packer bell cows that could be inducted in the first class:
Beattie Feathers: While it is true that this legend only played in one game with the Packers and had four carries for 19 yards, he was no Knile Davis. He was the first guy in NFL history to rush for over 1,000 yards. Now can a fellow who was known as the Bound- ing Antelope be a bell cow? Why not? On the old Mickey Mouse show, Wednesday was Anything Can Happen Day. So he can be a bell cow on Wednesdays.
Ben Wilson: He will be long remembered for being on his hands and knees looking for his contact lens during the second Super Bowl. He looked like he was sort of grazing. That screams bell cow.
Barty Smith: Most people have forgotten that the burly fullback once had a 33-yard run. Really. Maybe it should be part of an exhibit at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum.
Ryan Grant: He ran into the line with his head down like a turtle. Upon further review, a lot of cows do things with their heads down. Therefore he has graduated from turtle status to a bell cow.
Eric Torkelson: Sometimes he was in the same backfield with Smith. A two bell-cow backfield. Imagine that. People didn’t appreciate the coaching genius of Dan Devine.
Paul Ott Carruth : He’s ahead of Don Hutson on Green Bay’s all-time rushing list. Maybe they should have named the practice facility after him.
Breezy Reid: Somewhere there is a bell cow named Breezy.
Brett Lorenzo Favre: Green Bay’s 24th all-time leading rusher fumbled 147 times. That’s like a bell cow losing the bell upon leaving the stable. There’s a fine line between being a bell cow and just a guy.
Wuert Engelmann: Let’s face it, every athletic shrine should include a guy named Wuert.
M.D. Jennings: The record shows he had one carry for six yards. At the end of the run, Golden Tate took the ball away from him.
Clive Rush: He had one carry for minus six yards. He wasn’t in a rush. Just like a real bell cow. As a side note, he had the perfect name for a radio morning zookeeper.
Jim Grabowski: His candidacy will be affected by the fact that Mike Ditka called the Bears Grabowskis while he was coaching them. The team translator had to file for overtime.
Chuck Mercein: He played collegiaetly at Yale. Is it wrong to call an Ivy Leaguer a bell cow? Ahman Green: He sure was a bell cow. And he had some mooooooooves.
April began on a down note. That wild, crazy, zany, madcap Thompson should have announced on April Fools’ Day that he’s signing Jay Cutler.
Cutler got some great publicity right before the big holiday, too. Kristin Cavalleri, Cutler’s wife, posted a photo of his butt on her Instagram account. In other words, his career has bottomed out.
Torben Rolfsen, comedian: “I’m not saying Seattle wants Eddie Lacy to lose weight, but his signing bonus from the Seahawks was a smart microwave with a camera.”... Steve Rosenbloom of the
Chicago Tribune: “My look at the Bears’ projected quarterback depth chart: Mike Glennon, Whoever They Draft, Mark Sanchez, Your Name Here, David Fales, Some Guy Eating Cheetos On His Couch, Connor Shaw, That Guy Over There, Yeah, You.”...
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on the FBI resources used to track down Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey: “Brady’s jersey is an important American artifact, but it ain’t exactly the Shroud of Turin.”...
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the Raiders’ move to Las Vegas: “Young, fit, rich, testosterone-crazed egomaniacs in a town with 24-hour gambling, drinking, hookers and strippers. What could possibly go wrong?”...
Jim Barach, comedy writer: “The Raiders made the move to Las Vegas seeing how well those residencies worked to revive the careers of Celine Dion, Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys.”
People saw another side of ex-Bears quarterback Jay Cutler when wife Kristin Cavallari posted a photo of his backside on her Instagram account.