Clash of the Titans, adventure, rated PG-13, Regal Stadium 14, onion
IThe 1981 Clash of the Titans holds a place in the hearts of many who were kids during that era, including yours truly. For a child obsessed with Greek mythology and cheesy movies, it was required viewing. Today, it is most famous for special-effects legend Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion wonders, but we shouldn’t pretend Clash was a terribly good film. We really didn’t need a remake of it, but this year we’re getting remakes, adaptations, and sequels for The Karate Kid, The A-Team, Wall Street, and Tron, so it’s, like, totally the ’ 80s all over again.
The clash begins when the people of ancient Argos declare war on the gods. Zeus and Hades (played by Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, respectively — a Schindler’s List reunion!) are miffed at this insolence. So they demand that the people sacrifice the king’s daughter, Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), or else incur the wrath of the mighty Kraken, a monster that will wipe out their whole civilization. In case you’re wondering, there’s no sign of the actual Titans of Greek mythology, nor is there all that much of a clash here. Just go with it.
In the middle of all this hooey is Perseus, played by Sam Worthington. Perseus is a demigod, born to Zeus and a human mother and raised by a simple fisherman. He wants no part of this war until his stepfather dies, and he is forced to either show fealty to his true father or find a way to stop the Kraken himself. Worthington has landed plum roles in the last year, between the latest Terminator movie, Avatar, and now this — despite showing no talent or charisma and having unremarkable looks by Hollywood standards. Worthington’s agent: now there is a real titan!