FIRST CONTACT! 25 JAN 3256

In a day that will live in infamy, the human race finally made contact with an intelligent alien species in the Milky Way.

However, after careful consideration and a thorough study of the human race, the Thargoid ambassador has decided that in fact, they have to go, because they have work in the morning, and they’ll give us a call, maybe.

“We attempted to make peaceful contact,” Ambassador Gruugthaax Morgblorb told Galnet in an exclusive interview. “But the one you call ‘Commander Weedlord’ fired at our ship, and we’ve come to the conclusion that you are, to borrow a human term, a bunch of jerks.”

Many believed the Thargoids were about to wage war on humanity, but they were in fact about to gift us wondrous technology that would unite the systems and bring peace to the galaxy.

“Honestly, you don’t deserve it,” Morgblorb explained. “We’ll come back in another thousand years or something.”

We asked Commander Weedlord, who was delivering several crates of fish to a nearby star system, what he thought about the aliens’ response.

“They can stick their technology up their slimy alien holes,” he said. “We’re doing fine without them!”

Weedlord was killed later that day, just for the hell of it, by another commander testing out his new rocket launcher.