The Jaded Lo­cal


Ski re­sorts will turn off chair­lifts and groom­ing so that users can have more of a trendy back­coun­try ex­pe­ri­ence, while charg­ing the same amount for tick­ets.

A Red Bull short­age will trig­ger a wave of meth ad­dic­tion among Xtreme Ath­letes. Red Bull will re­cover fi­nan­cially by open­ing a chain of re­hab cen­ters where the pros can learn how to SKI-BASE off the Eiger with­out chem­i­cal stim­u­lants.

Vail Re­sorts and Airbnb will merge into one mega-or­ga­ni­za­tion: Vailbnb, which will at­tempt to ac­quire ev­ery ski re­sort in North Amer­ica, but with­out com­mu­nity re­views.

Af­ter the snow re­moval bills from yet another 600-inch win­ter nearly bank­rupt the town, Mam­moth will aban­don plow­ing the town’s roads and park­ing lots, hence­forth be­com­ing a place of quiet seren­ity where you have to ski to get around town. The loss in tourism will be off­set by a $20 mil­lion an­nual savings in the town bud­get and tremen­dous up­per body strength from all the shov­el­ing.

Af­ter ac­quir­ing ev­ery ski re­sort in North Amer­ica, Vailbnb will get bogged down bat­tling an in­sur­gency in Lit­tle Cot­ton­wood Canyon. The tena­cious re­sis­tance armed with 105-mil­lime­ter how­itzers will spark a move­ment that spreads like wild­fire across the In­ter­moun­tain West, with guerilla ski pa­trollers us­ing hand charges and pre­ci­sion ar­tillery to trig­ger avalanches above condo con­struc­tion and Star­bucks fran­chises.

Mis­tak­ing an al­most all-white de­mog­ra­phy for a friendly venue, neo-nazis will at­tempt to hold a rally in Jack­son Hole. They will im­me­di­ately be am­bushed, shot, and butchered for meat by peo­ple who live in Subarus and work three jobs, their skulls added to the dec­o­ra­tive antler arches in the mid­dle of town.

Struck by the strength and beauty of Lindsey Vonn and Mikaela Shiffrin dur­ing the Pyeongchang Olympics, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un will re­nounce his nu­clear am­bi­tions and open up his coun­try as a train­ing haven for mus­cu­lar, blonde women ski rac­ers from all over the world.

Also af­ter the in­cred­i­ble cov­er­age for Vonn and Shiffrin at the Olympics (and re­sult­ing paci­fi­ca­tion of North Korea), the U.S. men’s ski team will be­come an of­fi­cial sub­sidiary of the U.S. women’s ski team.

Not­ing the moun­tain­ous ter­rain and co­pi­ous real es­tate op­por­tu­ni­ties in The Peo­ple’s Demo­cratic Repub­lic of Vonnshiffrin, Vailbnb will at­tempt to buy the for­mer North Korea, spark­ing a new Cold War when Kim Jong-un threat­ens to nuke Vail Re­sorts’ Broom­field, Colorado, cor­po­rate head­quar­ters with a pre­ci­sion-tar­geted ICBM.

Global warm­ing will cause the Green­land Ice Sheet to col­lapse, trig­ger­ing the re­ver­sal of the At­lantic Gulf Stream and caus­ing a new Ice Age in Europe. Scot­land will then be­come the next Alaska: mar­itime spine ski­ing just three hours from New York City! If there is a New York City.

When the last Baby Boomer en­ters a nurs­ing home and there is no­body left who can af­ford to buy shitty tro­phy con­dos, the ski re­sort real es­tate in­dus­try will col­lapse. Once-lux­u­ri­ous ski towns will be­come law­less war zones where feral bands of for­mer lifties and wait­staff will bat­tle for con­trol of happy hour and the weed dis­pen­sary.

Ex­cept for Vail. Wealthy res­i­dents of the Vail Val­ley will build a Trumpian wall around their town to keep out the riff-raff and then slowly starve to death while ski­ing groomers and play­ing golf amid the ac­cu­mu­lat­ing filth they don’t know how to pick up. Long af­ter the last one dies, fu­ture gen­er­a­tions will treat it as a for­bid­den zone, a place where bad spir­its dwell. Un­til one day, an en­ter­pris­ing young per­son scales the wall and sees the golf cour­ses, the gran­ite coun­ter­tops, the rusted lux­ury SUVS, and feels the temp­ta­tion of a life long gone. He or she will get a real es­tate li­cense and the whole cy­cle will start all over again.

Fires, floods, hur­ri­canes, Nazis in the streets... 2017 was a mess and it should come as no sur­prise that my pre­dic­tions for the near fu­ture are suitably dark. Ex­trap­o­lat­ing cur­rent trends is a grim busi­ness th­ese days, even in the happy bub­ble of the ski world. But don’t be sur­prised if the fol­low­ing hap­pens:

Watch your ass. Se­ri­ously, put some SPF on your ass. Photo: Bjorn Bauer

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