Belated Resolutions for Skiers
It’s never too late to be a marginally improved human being
We’re only a month into 2018 and I’ve already blown off all of my New Year’s resolutions. I need some inspiration. What did Sweet Jane resolve to do in the new year?
—Dave, Salt Lake City, Utah
Yes, we saw record snowfall in Jackson Hole and Tahoe, but off the mountain, 2017 was a pretty trash year for a lot of people. So I get why you’d want to take steps to improve the coming year. Unfortunately, you are asking advice of someone who has vowed every year since 2014 to stop drinking as much and stop drunk-texting her ex. Neither of those things have ever happened, nor do I expect them to. Here’s my list of more realistic resolutions to check off this winter:
Affordable healthcare may be fleeting. The time to ski that nutty couloir or huck yourself off a cliff is now.
If you didn’t carpool to the ski hill, do not park in the carpool lot. In fact, do not not carpool.
Learn to open a wine bottle without a corkscrew. It will make you a useful and impressive person. Bonus points if you use a sword.
Introduce yourself to your local lift operators. Remember their names. Occasionally slip them contraband.
Spread the love and buy a coffee for the next person in line. Unless they are a carpool lot poacher, then make sure they’re buying your java.
I’ve been dating this rad chick for almost a year, and it’s going great and we ski together all the time, but recently she told me she’s going on a ski trip with some friends of ours and made it clear I wasn’t invited. WTF?
—Amy, Whitefish, Montana
Ah, classic. My first reaction would be to flip out over not being invited and then make sure my S/O knows damn well that I didn’t want to go anyway. Don’t do that. Doesn’t work. I’ve tried.
Sometimes people don’t get included on things for legitimate reasons. I usually don’t get invited places because I’m loud and obnoxious and rarely go to sleep before 2 a.m. I think these are some of my best qualities, but I also can’t blame my friends for not wanting to spend a weekend in a tiny cabin in the woods with me.
Real Talk: Who cares if your girlfriend and your collective friends are planning a trip without you? Own the disownment and find some other cool shit to do. Or maybe it’s time to ski in the singles line—in more ways than one.
So there’s this guy I befriended believing he was a capable backcountry skier. After several tours with him it turned out that 1) He’s slow on the up and 2) He’s even slower on the down. My crew and I quit skiing with him last season, but he now claims he’s ‘improved’ and has asked to ski with us again. What do I do?
—Tony, Tacoma, Washington
First of all, you can’t just befriend someone because you think they are a good skier and then totally bail when you find out they “can ski black diamonds.” Don’t be that guy who thinks they’re better than everyone because they have carbon fiber skis and can yo-yo your way around the mountain faster than most.
But on the other hand, skiing with people slower than you really is the worst. I’ll admit I’ve ditched some people on purpose for that exact reason and I didn’t even feel bad about it. But I admire your friend’s tenacity and you should give him a chance rather than ditching him again.
If he is still unbearably slow, be a good friend and tell him, “Dude, you suck. Let’s spend a day at the resort growing you some balls.”
Illustration by Andy Rementer