Be­lated Res­o­lu­tions for Skiers

It’s never too late to be a marginally im­proved hu­man be­ing

Powder - - FALL LINE - By Sweet Jane

We’re only a month into 2018 and I’ve al­ready blown off all of my New Year’s res­o­lu­tions. I need some in­spi­ra­tion. What did Sweet Jane re­solve to do in the new year?

—Dave, Salt Lake City, Utah

Yes, we saw record snow­fall in Jack­son Hole and Ta­hoe, but off the moun­tain, 2017 was a pretty trash year for a lot of peo­ple. So I get why you’d want to take steps to im­prove the com­ing year. Un­for­tu­nately, you are ask­ing ad­vice of some­one who has vowed ev­ery year since 2014 to stop drink­ing as much and stop drunk-tex­ting her ex. Nei­ther of those things have ever hap­pened, nor do I ex­pect them to. Here’s my list of more re­al­is­tic res­o­lu­tions to check off this win­ter:

Af­ford­able health­care may be fleet­ing. The time to ski that nutty couloir or huck your­self off a cliff is now.

If you didn’t car­pool to the ski hill, do not park in the car­pool lot. In fact, do not not car­pool.

Learn to open a wine bot­tle with­out a corkscrew. It will make you a use­ful and im­pres­sive per­son. Bonus points if you use a sword.

In­tro­duce your­self to your lo­cal lift op­er­a­tors. Re­mem­ber their names. Oc­ca­sion­ally slip them con­tra­band.

Spread the love and buy a cof­fee for the next per­son in line. Un­less they are a car­pool lot poacher, then make sure they’re buy­ing your java.

I’ve been dat­ing this rad chick for al­most a year, and it’s go­ing great and we ski to­gether all the time, but re­cently she told me she’s go­ing on a ski trip with some friends of ours and made it clear I wasn’t in­vited. WTF?

—Amy, White­fish, Mon­tana

Ah, clas­sic. My first re­ac­tion would be to flip out over not be­ing in­vited and then make sure my S/O knows damn well that I didn’t want to go any­way. Don’t do that. Doesn’t work. I’ve tried.

Some­times peo­ple don’t get in­cluded on things for le­git­i­mate rea­sons. I usu­ally don’t get in­vited places be­cause I’m loud and ob­nox­ious and rarely go to sleep be­fore 2 a.m. I think th­ese are some of my best qual­i­ties, but I also can’t blame my friends for not want­ing to spend a week­end in a tiny cabin in the woods with me.

Real Talk: Who cares if your girl­friend and your col­lec­tive friends are plan­ning a trip with­out you? Own the dis­own­ment and find some other cool shit to do. Or maybe it’s time to ski in the sin­gles line—in more ways than one.

So there’s this guy I be­friended be­liev­ing he was a ca­pa­ble back­coun­try skier. Af­ter sev­eral tours with him it turned out that 1) He’s slow on the up and 2) He’s even slower on the down. My crew and I quit ski­ing with him last sea­son, but he now claims he’s ‘im­proved’ and has asked to ski with us again. What do I do?

—Tony, Ta­coma, Wash­ing­ton

First of all, you can’t just be­friend some­one be­cause you think they are a good skier and then to­tally bail when you find out they “can ski black di­a­monds.” Don’t be that guy who thinks they’re bet­ter than ev­ery­one be­cause they have car­bon fiber skis and can yo-yo your way around the moun­tain faster than most.

But on the other hand, ski­ing with peo­ple slower than you re­ally is the worst. I’ll ad­mit I’ve ditched some peo­ple on purpose for that ex­act rea­son and I didn’t even feel bad about it. But I ad­mire your friend’s te­nac­ity and you should give him a chance rather than ditch­ing him again.

If he is still un­bear­ably slow, be a good friend and tell him, “Dude, you suck. Let’s spend a day at the re­sort grow­ing you some balls.”

Il­lus­tra­tion by Andy Re­menter

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