Another Beau­ti­ful Day in Par­adise

Call 1-800-555-EPIK for the daily snow re­port

Powder - - FALL LINE - By Julie Brown

Hello, skiers! Sun­shine, here, live with your daily dish of awe­some. I mean your snow re­port, HA! LOL, it’s 5 a.m. and I’m wide-awake to get the scoop on another rad­i­cal day of ski­ing at the one and the only Mount Amaaaaz­ing—the only place where your good time is guar­an­teed AWE­SOME and bet­ter than any­where else ever.

I’m sit­ting here at Ski Pa­trol HQ, look­ing over the shoul­der of our lo­cal weather ex­pert, Joe.

And folks, I have the news you have been wait­ing for! The weather map is show­ing a lot of radar, a lot of lines, and a lot of neon col­ors.

Let’s be hon­est—i have no idea what any of it means—ex­cept, for one thing: the color is green. Ev­ery­body knows that green means GO. And guess what? I see green com­ing to an awe­some moun­tain near you.

Ski­ing to­day will be like dip­ping your toes into a moist choco­late cake! Temps will be in the midto-high 50s and Joe, that lit­tle devil Joe, is telling me there’s a 110 per­cent chance of mois­ture, and you know what? I never even liked Joe. You know what he is? He’s #Fak­e­news. Prob­a­bly one of those cli­mate change guys! LOL. I think I see the clouds part­ing now and any­way, you can’t have snow­fall with­out mois­ture. Nope. The sci­ence doesn’t al­low it. So get on up here, you bunch of pow­der­hounds!

To­day’s fresh sleet is stack­ing up out there! It’s al­ready soft­ened out those bumps and turned them into a creamy slab of per­fec­tion. Mmmm-mmm, I’ll take a bite right out of that! You ever tasted a marsh­mal­low dipped in liq­uid gold? It’s like that. But bet­ter. And guess what, you can have it all to your­self out there. I don’t see any­one! Fresh tracks down Death Star and An­ni­hi­la­tor are still up for grabs!

I see ski pa­trol over there in the cor­ner get­ting ready for a busy day. Many thanks to our hard­work­ing ski pa­trollers who work on their feet all day for minimum wage and—oh dear!—a light­ning bolt just struck poor Bob Hamil­ton. You know why? Be­cause it’s elec­tric out here, folks. Come on and catch the en­ergy.

Wor­ried about a lit­tle pit­ter-pat­ter? You’ll stay dry till last chair with one of our of­fi­cial Mount Amaaaaz­ing-branded plastic rain pon­chos, avail­able for passh­old­ers for just $45 plus tax.

It should be noted that we are cur­rently on wind­hold for all of our non-sur­face lifts. Sure, there’s a slight breeze out here, just a few knots past a dou­ble baker’s dozen, but the Min­nie’s Magic Car­pet, Baby Bunny Poma, and Tiny’s T-bar are all spin­ning around the clock and, per­son­ally, I’ve al­ways felt they hold our most world-class ter­rain any­way.

Oh, wait… this just in, and this is re­ally ex­cit­ing stuff, folks. Old Hick­ory is spin­ning! Well, more of a lurch, but still, that’s where I’ll be to­day. Built in 1966, this is Mount Amaaaaz­ing’s first and orig­i­nal chair­lift. It’s pure his­tory packed into a dieselpow­ered time ma­chine to the fun-zone! It sways a lit­tle here and there, and it’s been known to send chil­dren and the el­derly into the early stages of hy­pother­mia, but hey, who said ski­ing wasn’t an ad­ven­ture?!

I think I just might get out there right now. In fact, I might even go for sec­onds! Ha­haha! Thanks for lis­ten­ing, folks! Be sure to down­load the Mount Amaaaaz­ing app to track your vert, find your friends, and give us all your per­sonal data that we can turn­around and sell to a third-party. See you out there!

Photo: Reuben Krabbe

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