Fake Astrol­ogy

Public News (Houston) - - PUBLIC NEWS #36 - by Chris Al­varez

Aries 3/21 - 4/19

Look out for the per­son who will come and suck up to you for no ap­par­ent rea­son. Well, that is kind of not true. They want to meet your sis­ter and think get­ting in your good graces will do the trick. Only thing is that you don’t have a sis­ter, but your mom looks like she could be one. If money is in­volved, let them suck up!

Leo 7/23 - 8/22

You’ve no­ticed that a mem­ber of your fam­ily has been act­ing strange and im­ma­ture lately. They keep show­ing up at your house and telling you to get out. And they should, af­ter all it’s their house and you are start­ing to smell bad like the guy who hangs out un­der the I-45 un­der­pass at Ray­ford. Hey wait, that guy is you!

Sagitarius 11/22 - 12/21

Hous­ton’s re­laxed mar­i­juana statutes have be­come your rea­son to cel­e­brate. So, feel free to kick back and just have fun. Go ahead and let your­self get dis­tracted by the silly, the inane, and the down­right goofy. And dis­re­gard the ring­ing tele­phone. It’s just your boss won­der­ing where in the hell are you.

Tau­rus 4/20 - 5/20

Be re­al­is­tic about the goals you set and what you need to do in or­der achieve them. That one goal you set about making a mil­lion dol­lars by sell­ing your kid­neys this year might be one of them, And sell­ing three of your kid­neys is stupid since you need at least one of them to live. Must I even re­mind you that peo­ple only have two kid­neys not three.

Virgo 8/23 - 9/22

The stars and plan­ets are lin­ing up, which is damn near im­pos­si­ble. So, take this sign for what it is. Get your so­cial life to­gether, delete fake friends from your face­book, en­roll that yoga class that you wanted and let ev­ery­thing else go to the way­side. Oops, one planet just got out of line. Forget ev­ery­thing I just wrote.

Capri­corn 12/22 - 1/19

You are not do­ing well with han­dling the chal­lenges that you are fac­ing at your job or at school. They are stress­ing ev­ery­one else, while you con­tinue to stare blankly at the wall. While you are vis­it­ing a men­tal Ber­muda, ev­ery­one is hav­ing to carry your load. Snap the hell out of it.

Gem­ini 5/21 - 6/20

Get ready for some ridicu­lous mud sling­ing be­tween you and a few close friends. Even though you and your friends all know that you were the only party in the wrong. Were you ig­nor­ing your part of the prob­lem? Your pride is now at stake and you’d rather look good than look guilty. Good luck with that.

Li­bra 9/23 - 10/21

You should have a lit­tle fun this week and brighten some­one’s day by telling them a lit­tle white lie. Some­thing like how pretty he is, or how strong she can be. As much as we all know how bul­lies op­er­ate, it’d be a refreshing change of pace for you to learn those back­hand com­pli­ments you al­ways wanted to learn how to do.

Aquar­ius 1/20 - 2/18

This week it would do you well to let down your guard a lit­tle bit and let peo­ple into your life. You will get a lot far­ther if you con­nect with other peo­ple and work really hard to give them the in­put they need. But that weird flirt who keeps bug­ging you, keep that per­son the hell out!

Can­cer 6/21 - 7/22

You are go­ing to be ap­proached by some­one who is go­ing through some se­ri­ous drama in their life and they think that you are the sucker to dump it all on. You need to es­cape and fast. The best way is to start cry­ing when you see them com­ing. That al­ways works like re­verse psy­chol­ogy or some­thing like that.

Scor­pio 10/22 - 11/21

This week feels like it’s mov­ing way too slow for you, but in re­al­ity you are just mov­ing too quickly for it! You’ve got­ten so much ac­com­plished on so lit­tle sleep, you should be proud. It’s amaz­ing what can get done when you mix Red Bull with an Ex­presso. All good things do come to an end, and for you ex­pect that end to be a 24-hour snooze.

Pisces 2/19 - 3/20

Get­ting caught up with your pants down is not some­thing you should be do­ing right now and you can’t af­ford to be dis­tracted any longer by the things that cre­ate sit­u­a­tions like this. Get dressed, grab your things and get out be­fore your dad gets home. And don’t let the door smack ya where the good Lord cracked ya.

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