Aries 3/21 - 4/19
Look out for the person who will come and suck up to you for no apparent reason. Well, that is kind of not true. They want to meet your sister and think getting in your good graces will do the trick. Only thing is that you don’t have a sister, but your mom looks like she could be one. If money is involved, let them suck up!
Leo 7/23 - 8/22
You’ve noticed that a member of your family has been acting strange and immature lately. They keep showing up at your house and telling you to get out. And they should, after all it’s their house and you are starting to smell bad like the guy who hangs out under the I-45 underpass at Rayford. Hey wait, that guy is you!
Sagitarius 11/22 - 12/21
Houston’s relaxed marijuana statutes have become your reason to celebrate. So, feel free to kick back and just have fun. Go ahead and let yourself get distracted by the silly, the inane, and the downright goofy. And disregard the ringing telephone. It’s just your boss wondering where in the hell are you.
Taurus 4/20 - 5/20
Be realistic about the goals you set and what you need to do in order achieve them. That one goal you set about making a million dollars by selling your kidneys this year might be one of them, And selling three of your kidneys is stupid since you need at least one of them to live. Must I even remind you that people only have two kidneys not three.
Virgo 8/23 - 9/22
The stars and planets are lining up, which is damn near impossible. So, take this sign for what it is. Get your social life together, delete fake friends from your facebook, enroll that yoga class that you wanted and let everything else go to the wayside. Oops, one planet just got out of line. Forget everything I just wrote.
Capricorn 12/22 - 1/19
You are not doing well with handling the challenges that you are facing at your job or at school. They are stressing everyone else, while you continue to stare blankly at the wall. While you are visiting a mental Bermuda, everyone is having to carry your load. Snap the hell out of it.
Gemini 5/21 - 6/20
Get ready for some ridiculous mud slinging between you and a few close friends. Even though you and your friends all know that you were the only party in the wrong. Were you ignoring your part of the problem? Your pride is now at stake and you’d rather look good than look guilty. Good luck with that.
Libra 9/23 - 10/21
You should have a little fun this week and brighten someone’s day by telling them a little white lie. Something like how pretty he is, or how strong she can be. As much as we all know how bullies operate, it’d be a refreshing change of pace for you to learn those backhand compliments you always wanted to learn how to do.
Aquarius 1/20 - 2/18
This week it would do you well to let down your guard a little bit and let people into your life. You will get a lot farther if you connect with other people and work really hard to give them the input they need. But that weird flirt who keeps bugging you, keep that person the hell out!
Cancer 6/21 - 7/22
You are going to be approached by someone who is going through some serious drama in their life and they think that you are the sucker to dump it all on. You need to escape and fast. The best way is to start crying when you see them coming. That always works like reverse psychology or something like that.
Scorpio 10/22 - 11/21
This week feels like it’s moving way too slow for you, but in reality you are just moving too quickly for it! You’ve gotten so much accomplished on so little sleep, you should be proud. It’s amazing what can get done when you mix Red Bull with an Expresso. All good things do come to an end, and for you expect that end to be a 24-hour snooze.
Pisces 2/19 - 3/20
Getting caught up with your pants down is not something you should be doing right now and you can’t afford to be distracted any longer by the things that create situations like this. Get dressed, grab your things and get out before your dad gets home. And don’t let the door smack ya where the good Lord cracked ya.